This is my unthankful post ... and hopefully the only one.

I have decided to take to my blog to let off some steam. I have been Miss Happy-Go-Lucky all month long. Every day I have written a "happy" post about all of the things I am thankful for. How cute - it's November and she's giving thanks every day. It was cute to me until today. In fact until about ten minutes ago. I do not want to be thankful right now anymore. I want to bitch and complain for a copy of paragraphs (I was going to type minutes ... but paragraphs just sounded so much better, haha!)

I know lots of people. [extreme emphasis on the word: lots.] I am a friendly gal, and will strike up a conversation with just about anyone. I am also generally pleasant which leads to making "new" acquaintances. I am also a very busy girl. [emphasis on the word: busy.] I work three jobs. I am a full-time special education teacher, I tutor AND I lead social skills groups for students with autism. On top of all of that, I am taking a graduate school course. And I try to work out at least twice a week. And, let me restate - I am a full-time special education teacher. That job in itself takes up a lot of my time.

The above declarations are not my complaints however. I have limited free time. And that's okay. I like it like that. I am single right now and I do not have a family. [i.e. children] I like being productive. Having a purpose for each day. However, in my free time ... I like to do one of two things. I either like to relax at home, watching movies and doing things around my home. Or I like to make plans with friends and go out to catch up. I have friends from so many different walks of life, and sometimes it is easier to hang out with the friend individually; rather than mixing up the friend groups. [trust me, mixing up different groups of girlfriends is not always the best idea]

So herein my problem lays. One: do I decide to stay at home by myself and relax. or Two: hang out with friends. If I choose to hang out with a friend, which one do I choose? In my neck of the woods, most young people I know spend MAD MONEY. I am talking, dinner, drinks and a movie. Dinner then out downtown. Shopping then dinner and drinks. Drinks, drinks and drinks. I love doing these activities, but it costs money. Let's be real: I do not have that much cash to throw away on social activities three nights out of the weekend. So then I need to choose. Who am I hanging out with this weekend? Do I go out for one ... two ... or three nights? Do I meet up with one ... two ... or three different people throughout the day? Or do I stay home and invite people over? But then that infringes upon my me time. This vicious cycle goes on and on and on.

I feel bad when I have good friends that I *forget* about. I feel bad when I have to tell an *acquaintance* that I cannot hang out. Or when I make plans with an acquaintance, and then cancel the plans to go out with a really dear, old friend. Okay ... so this debacle does not happen as much as I am making it sound like. But I am looking ahead at December ... and my cell phone ... and the events and invites are lining up. And I cannot help but stress over these text message invites AND my planner. I currently have one *free* Friday in December. And I have *one* dear girlfriend who is pouncing on having me pencil her in for that date, like it is black Friday sale at target. And - God strike me down now - all I can think is ... do I really want to sacrifice my ONLY free December Friday to hang out OUT? I mean that's typically one of the ONLY days during the week that I can decide to do nothing, but sit on my couch like a potato.

Then it sound silly replying to a text saying, "Let's look at available dates in January instead." Who do I think I am? What kind of friend am I being? Why am I a lunatic who keeps herself super busy all the damn time? And why do I have so many *acquaintances* who enjoy my company? I am embarrassed to admit this, but I am jealous of those girls who have a close knit group of girlfriends. I am talking, there are 7 of them and they do EVERYTHING together. They are all friends, and all get along and all enjoy doing the same things. Wait ... is this real life? Or some staged reality tv show?

This may be one of the MOST ridiculous posts I have written to date. And I am sorry for those of you who choose to read this - and who are probably shaking their head in disgust at my stupid rant. I know ... I know. I sound like an ungrateful and selfish human being. But I needed to share this somewhere ... in hopes that someone out there can sympathize with me. That they understand this dilemma exactly ... or in part. This is my unthankful post for the month. [Hopefully the only one.]