Insecurity

“Feeling insecure is good for you. It forces you to do something better, drives you to use all your talents.”

Introspection & Reflection

I've had a blessed weekend at the beach. It was a much needed vacation and it was nice to escape the hustle and flow of daily life. This weekend has also forced me to continue my introspective reflection for determining where I am in life ... Emotionally, spiritually, mentally.

I am at a series of crossroads and I have never felt more vulnerable and uncomfortable. As I identify my frustrations with life aspirations and my personal relationships, I become forced ... Indebted even ... To take a look in the mirror at myself.

I must look at my actions/words and determine what they convey about my heart.

Currently ... What I have come up with is this: I am a piece of work and I have a lot of growing to do. Ie recently discovered several character flaws and shortcomings about myself that I desperately would like to improve upon. And within these weaknesses ... I think I continuously conclude that I want something more.

And even clearer .. Perhaps that more is seeking a closer more faith driven relationship with God. Yet I am too timid to pursue and seek this closer relationship with him. I hate myself for not knowing what's holding me back. I guilt myself for forsaking his name in public and perpetrating to friends at times.

I hang my head knowing my words and actions often equivalate the disciple that forsaked Jesus three times (sad I do not remember... Case for why I need to attend church .... Yes? Oh bother.)

I am not sure why my foundation is being shaken ... But I need to be prayerful and faithful that God is trying to raise me up to new levels.

Friendship

"The truth is that we want to meet new people without getting to know the ones we’ve already met. We assume that our next great friendship — like our next great romance — will be immediately apparent to us, and anyone we meet in the meantime is just friend filler.

We expect instant gratification because we’re confused about how friendship actually works; and instead of turning strangers into friends, we just collect them while we wait on our new bestie to appear from thin air.

To fool ourselves into thinking we’re proactively building relationships, we use Fast Friendship — we add people on Facebook and pat ourselves on the back while thinking ‘new friendship level achieved.'

And then we never contact the person again, and weeks later when we feel unfulfilled we blame the void on having not met enough new people while hundreds of unmet, unknown people sit in list format waiting to be asked to grab drinks or to ride bikes or to do whatever the hell it is people our age do with friends. 

Before social networking, people became friends by hanging out and exerting effort. Now we just press a button and expect the work to be done for us, and when it’s not, we think it’s because we need to meet new people. 

Focus on getting to know the people who are already your ‘friends’ — the person behind the profile picture has more to offer you than a ‘like’ on your status update." 

- Thought Catalog

Mature Friendship

"A mature friendship encourages both parties to be their own person; as such, great friends allow you to guiltlessly make your own decisions. Sometimes those decisions are bad ones ... but at the end of the day, real friends are not turned off by your ebb and flow; they recognize and accept that you’re a dynamic person who sometimes makes mistakes. BE THAT FRIEND. You either want this person in your life or you don’t."
- Thought Catalog

Seasons of Change

As always, this summer has been an eye opener and has changed the way I think about many things. It's unbelievable how fast life comes at you ... and how fast things can change. I recently found out that my father has prostate cancer. He is so young and vibrant - it hurts my heart to think of what may lay down the road for him. I am so grateful - however - that the cancer was noticed early and that my Dad has decided to be proactive and have the cancer (and prostate) removed. I can only be prayerful and trust in the Lord that he will deliver my Dad from this sickness and keep him strong and healthy. He has a wife and kids after all who are counting on him to live a long and fruitful life. I love you dad - and I am sorry for being distant lately. I just do not know how to deal with all of this ... and for me, the answer is to avoid the situation. This has taught me that it's so important to tell the people you love - that you love and cherish them. It also solidifies the reason why I hold my relationships with my family so dear and near to my heart. My goal is to continue spending as much time with both Dad and our family as possible ... our time here on earth is limited... we are not guaranteed tomorrow.

I have also been doing some soul-searching this summer in regards to friendships. This time last year ... I think I felt that it was more important to have a *quantity* of friends versus the *quality.* As I continue to mature and grow as a person, I have realized that the quality of friends is more important. I went to the beach earlier this summer with a group of girlfriends, and the trip had an unexpected ending. The actions of a friend have made me question who I am as a friend and who the people are as friends - that I surround myself with. I think I have accepted that I may no longer be *good friends* with this person. And it's unfortunate that our friendship ... built on 10+ years ... ended in the manner that it did. However, I am so thankful for the falling out as it has helped me reflect on my actions and aim to make some changes in my life.

Here are the goals I have set for myself:

1. Be the kind of friend that you want others to be to you. If I want friends to call me up on the phone, I need to call them on the phone first. If I want friends to check in on me - through email or text - I need to be willing to do the same to them. I also should limit or eliminate my involvement in conversations about others, unless there is a purpose for discussing them.
   
2. Be real. Recently I was at a happy hour with a girlfriend. And she remarked that it frustrates her that I am "switzerland" all the time. I have the annoying tendancy to walk the line on where I stand on certain topics and to not want to pick sides, or piss people off with my opinions. Although I my intentions are good, this unfortunately makes me seem *fake* or *dishonest*. I need to work on being honest without being hurtful. Or ... I need to be honest and realize that my friend may hate me now, but thank me later. The truth hurts, but true friends will appreciate when you're honest with them in the long run.
3. Realize that you are the company you keep. I have had a couple of friends blow my mind - recently - with their actions and/or words. I have seen them in a different light, one which I do not like and that has put me in bad standing with other friends who I esteem. As a result, I think I need to remember the importance of *weeding* out those who are not helping you grow or reach your potential. I think over the years ... I've held on to people - out of loyalty - that I had no business holding on to. As painful as it is to let go of some of these people, I have to realize that sometimes chapters close.
4. Remember that friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I've tried to make ALL of my friends lifetime friends ... but not everyone's purpose is to be such in my life. As a reason or a season passes, I am trying to be grateful that the friendship enriched my life and that I learned lessons/grew because of it. Like they say - it's better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all. 

Yet another season of my life has come ... and is beginning to pass. It amazes me everyday how God directs my steps. I may not always understand what I am going through - when I am going through it - however hindsight IS 20/20 ... and I always look back and go wow! There was a reason that I learned that lesson or went through that experience ... and now I am able to understand why.

I know that a new season is about to enter my life ... and I can only imagine what challenges await me. I am trusting in God though, that I will continue to mature and grow as a friend and as an individual. Lord only knows where I'll be next year ;)

Interesting Read...

Everyone has their own opinion and or beliefs ... this article expresses some of my own:

What Chic-fil-A appreciation day is really about ....

Congrats to Gabby Douglass :o)