exactly what I needed

The past twenty-four hours have been absolutely perfect.

I had the pleasure of going out in Canton with two of my dearest girlfriends! Alison is getting married and made plans for members of the bridal party to link up and reconnect. While a third of the bridal party did not show <due to other engagements> the remainder of us had a hell of an evening together!

We began the night with a hubcap margarita at Nacho Mamas - a must have and a must stop if you ever find yourself wandering the streets of Canton. There was a two hour wait for a table - typical - so we ventured over to a bar next door to begin rounds of shots and drinks. After an hour or two, we made our way back to Nacho Mamas for dinner and it was delicious (per usual). Kitty girl had lost her driver's license ... and didn't realize this until we were carded at the bar next door ... so we made a deal with the bartender who served us to return immediately after finishing dinner at Nachos. The funniest part was he accepted that Kat was 26 - going on 27 - when she pulled up her face book profile to show her birth date. Oh the adventures we get ourselves into.

(notice the hubcap margarita pictured in the bottom right of the picture)

We usually bar hop in Canton ... but no can do when it's 9PM and each bar cards every individual to walk through the door. We spent the rest of the night in this unfamiliar bar - not our typical choice for a spot to hang out at - dancing and drinking. No night out is complete without a few heart to hearts ... and trust me when I say some tears were dropped and several heart to hearts occurred. Like the old ladies we have become, we called a taxi around 11:50pm, and were headed home at midnight. $61 dollars later ... we arrived back at Al's place for a late night of popcorn and Sex and the City. Or at least that's what everyone else did - I passed out within minutes of popping a popcorn into my mouth. Typical.

I spent the rest of today in Pikesville with my girls :) We all woke up around 7AM ... and then ended up passing out until 11AM, at which time we decided to get brunch. We spent the rest of the day (until 4pm) talking about life, love, happiness, friendships and marriage.

Never a dull moment with Alison and Kat.
I am beyond grateful for their friendships and the memories we have created together. 

unplug, day three

It is currently day THREE of my social media hiatus. While I am managing well overall, there have been moments when I have been tempted to log onto face book or twitter to reconnect with the world. But my will power is strong right now, and I am proud of myself for sticking to my guns! Let's see if I continue to be THIS strong over the next two weeks.

My choice to unplug has been wonderful so far. I am not anxious or crazed about knowing the whereabouts of other people ... what they're doing and why I was not invited. I am not spending endless hours lost in face book or twitter. When I am with company, I am actually tuned into the conversation and engaged. I do not have this itch in the back of my head to snap a photo with my iPhone only to post it to instagram and stalk my IG news feed. I am not distracted by some one's status update on face book, all while trying to craftily plan the phrase or words needed for my status ... all while sitting in the middle of a dinner conversation with friends. I am not scrolling through my twitter feed and laughing out loud at something someone tweeted while simultaneously missing something funny that my friend at the table said.

I am engaged. I am present. I feel alive. I feel connected ... with the people sitting right in front of me. And it's a darn great feeling. I have no urge to have my cell phone in my hand. I am living in the moment.

Near the beginning of the month, when I was in fact plugged into social media, I posted a status about divorce. The status went something like this, "Divorce your phone, your apps, your social-feeds, and engage in relationships with people that actually matter. Vow to spend a significant amount of time off your mobile-devices, unplugged, and instead get back to making personal relationships that will stand the test of time."

Here's to the start of me doing exactly that - engaging in relationships with people that actually matter. 

Unplugged.

Chatted on the phone tonight with one of my best friends. Per her recommendation, I turned off my cell phone and disconnected from the world for approximately two hours and fifteen minutes. Although I was reading two lengthy [and might I add, boring] chapters for my grad class, I have never felt more alive and at peace. The only thing going in the background was music by a new favorite artist and the sound of my high lighter running across the pages of the book.

At 8:15pm, I succumbed to my inner itch and logged onto twitter for a minute ... but then I logged off again. And the revelation hit me - why not challenge myself to a two week social media hiatus. Or furthermore, to turning off my phone in the evenings and disconnecting from the world for a bit.

Our generation is CONSTANTLY connected to others. Constantly plugged in. But there's beauty in spending time alone for a few hours. No distractions. No interruptions. No fear of mission out. Just quality time with yourself - listening to your thoughts and spending your time doing an activity you like. Spending your time relaxing and catching a breather from the stresses of the day.

This challenge is going to be CRAZY difficult. But I owe it to myself ... to my health and happiness ... to take a time out. Social media right now has become my enemy. It's become a source of harm not happiness. So I pledge - effective January 22nd, 2014 - to stay off of social media for two weeks.

Text messaging and blogger are allowed. Snap chat may be too ha ha. But I am going to stay away from twitter, face book and instagram. And perhaps, I'll soon find that I do not really need to be plugged into those mediums anyway.

Food for Thought

“Yes, sometimes life leaves us between a rock and a hard place. But flowers grow in between them, and they are beautiful.” – Anthony Johnson

T R U T H

"But what you should also know is that the times in which you are most a writer are usually the times in which you are most trying to clean up your insides."
- Brianna Wiest 

The quote above resonated with my soul the moment I read it. It is no secret, that I take to this blog when I am going through the roughest of times. And often times, my best written entries were composed during moments of times when I needed an outlet for the feelings and emotions I was harboring deep within. You see, I am not very good at putting my thoughts and feelings into words verbally. But when you give me a pen and paper ... and some time to be reflective and introspective ... there is no telling what I will be able to say or what I will say.

Writing has always been a strength for me. It has always been something I've enjoyed doing. And during the trials and tribulations of my life, writing serves as a sort of catharsis for me. Other than a good long run, listening to sad songs or an ugly cry ... writing is the best way for me to cope with whatever hardships I am dealing with. So it's no surprise that the past week or so I've been waiting for the moment to strike ... at which I found the words to put on paper that my lips could not say. 

2014 began with such excitement and positivity! I had great goals for this year and a list of things I wanted to accomplish. I was looking at life with new eyes ... with a new found appreciation for letting go of that which I cannot control and taking risks/making mistakes and learning from them. I left work each day by 4:30pm and worked out every evening. I spent my time with friends and doing activities that pleased me. I was happy with where I was at and how things were unfolding for me. Yet in the back of mind, I could not help but wonder when was  trouble going to strike. When would it knock on my front door asking to come in and turn my world upside down for a bit. I am not a pessimist ... but I mean let's be real: I was not going to be walking on sunshine forever. 

And unexpectedly, trouble did finally knock on my door. But this time, in the form of doubt and insecurity. Unresolved issues from my past somehow worked their way into my present. This perfect facade I had put on for the past three weeks suddenly began to dissolve. Without warning, the skeletons in my closet came walking out ... scaring away any piece of mind I thought I had developed. The truly unfortunate part is that my skeletons have impacted my developing relationship of sorts with the *man* I have been spending time with.

Within seventy-two hours, a relationship that was going *well* suddenly turned awkward. And I am not sure how much of this is my fault. For the past forty-eight hours, I have beat myself up over what I should've done, could've done, should've said, would've said. But while participating in this catharsis ... it just dawned on me that I am NOT being true to my #1 resolution for the new year: Make Mistakes and learn from them. Let go and see what happens. 

For the past couple of days, I have been trying to control EVERYTHING and to be this perfect person. I have made mistakes ... and instead of embracing them and learning from them, I have lead them haunt me and open up closet doors that were meant to be shut. What am I doing!? 

As for my unresolved issues from my past - I've decided that perhaps I need to seek the counsel of a professional. My girlfriends are AWESOME! I am truly blessed to have such a strong, inspirational group of women surrounding me and cheering me on. However, they are biased [no matter how awesome I think they are.] I think there's value in talking to a third party .... someone who does not know me at all. 

My greatest realization is that there are still some issues from my previous long-term relationship that I have not dealt with. And unfortunately, they play out in every relationship I have pursued since him. Yesterday I decided ... I will be unable to move forward in new relationships or any relationship ... until I address these skeletons from my past.

This will be a difficult undertaking. I hate talking about my emotions and feelings. And there's nothing harder than looking insecurity in the face and telling it to take a hike. I've done it before ... and it was one of the HARDEST things I decided to do during my collegiate years. However, I think it's time to stop running from the past. To stop sweeping broken pieces of myself from yesterday under the rug. I need to rediscover how to truly love myself. I need to discover how to build healthy relationships with others. I need to learn how to embrace my flaws, my imperfections and my weaknesses. And how to march to the beat of my own drum for 2014 - to continue letting go and making mistakes (as those are the greatest teacher). 

So dear friend, if you're reading this, please pray for me. Please send light and love my direction. Apparently God is telling me, it's not time yet to step off the potter's wheel. He's telling me the exact opposite in fact. He's requested that I step back on ... there is still some molding to do. And I think it is time that I let go of control and allow him to do his thing. 

Maybe I'll be a work of art when he is done? 

The Things We Never Realize Until It's Too Late

I can tell you honestly that I don’t regret anything. If I have any strengths, one is definitely the ability to tie what was into what is and what is into what’s next, to understand things in the context of why they needed to happen, not why I didn’t want them to at the time.

It took me a long time to realize that you could be happy for no reason. It took me even longer to realize that not everything needed meaning. I didn’t understand that the illusion of control that came from trying to manipulate every possible outcome of a situation wouldn’t change what was inevitable. I actually didn’t always know what was best for myself. The things I have lost were always somehow replaced by things that were more worth finding.

I am most grateful I never got what I thought I deserved.

I used to think I missed out on beautiful people and careless days and the simple nothingness of not having any real responsibilities. But those were dreams other people had and I adopted because I didn’t know myself. It took me a long time to realize that “loving yourself” wasn’t some narcissistic thing or some self-help-bullshitted-nonsense but the very simple realization that you of all people deserve to be kind to yourself.

We never realize that replacing what’s not broken won’t fix what is. We never realize that a relationship will not save us. We never realize that when we arrive at the juncture of whether to try harder or move on, it almost always means it’s time to let go. And we grapple with it because we never realize what letting go means: simply that we, at no point, are actually permitting anything to leave. We’re just permitting ourselves to come to terms with the truth that it’s already gone.

We never realize that we are more capable of doing the things that matter than we think we are. We tie ourselves up with our anxieties when at the end of the day we always look back and realize the path was paved for us. We just had to stop questioning what we already knew to be true. We are always compelled to act when we’re meant to. The tides usually turn us on their own. We don’t always have to swim. The real art of being is learning to float.

We never realize that often, the only thing that we look back and regret is not having enjoyed what we had when we had it. We mistake light and freeness as being naive and unprepared. We associate holding onto anxiety and fear as being a defense mechanism. But it’s not. We never realize that the only freedom is in renouncing defense against fear.

We never realize that we always know the answers, and we see them in little, intuitive glimpses. That we can look back and see the foreshadowing, the patterning, the reality of the knowing we had without the reality to back it up. The future is the unfolding of past, the creation of what we already knew would be. We’re never really surprised by what we’re handed, but we never realize we wanted it until it’s too late.

- Brianna Wiest 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2014/01/the-things-you-wont-realize-until-its-too-late/

Questions Worth Asking Yourself, Part I

1. What's your passion? Teaching. Working with kids. Working with students with disabilities. Learning about diversity. About people who come from different backgrounds.
2. What would you do in life if you did not need to work for money? Teach social skills groups to students with autism. Travel the world. Become a photographer or a professional hiker.
3. Did you ever help a complete stranger? Not as much as I should or probably could. But there's one time I can think of ... I gave a homeless woman my last $10 to buy herself some dinner.
4. Forget your real age for a second. Tell yourself how old you are. I couldn't even tell you. But I'd say I definitely act as though I am in my mid twenties.
5. Who are the 3 most important people in your life? My Mother. My Father. ....?
6. Do you like your birthdays? In the end I usually do. But I almost ALWAYS stress over the celebration of them for weeks beforehand. The thought of inviting people, and them not showing up stresses me out. I also become insecure and wonder if people - who say they are my friends - really are.
7. How many times has your heart been broken? Just Once. But once is more than enough.
8. How many times have you fallen in love? Just Once. I am afraid to fall in love again. Therefore I have not allowed myself to get too close to anyone. I look for their flaws/red flags and run before the person ever has a real chance.
9. Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 20 or 40 years.
   5 - I'll be 30. I will have my master's degree and be a 9th year teacher.
   10 - I'll be 35. I will hope to own a car and home. I also hope to be married.
   20 - I'll be 40. I hope to have 3-5 kids by then.
   40 - I'll be 65. Maybe I'll have a grandchild? Or my doctorate's degree?
10. If everything was possible, where would you live? Somewhere near the water. The ocean is where I find my peace and solitude.
11. What are you grateful for? My friends. My family. My career. My apartment. The opportunity to pursue a Master's degree.
12. Usually do you listen to your heart or your brain? My brain. I am way too logical about most things. I am a thinker.
13. How much time do you spend in social networks? At least three hours a day. Maybe more depending on the day. Not good. I know. I keep trying to unplug. For longer than an hour.
14. When is the last time you laughed out loud? Earlier tonight. Watched a stupid video on buzzfeed. The dog was dancing to rap music. Pathetic. I know.
15. When is the last time you tried something new? I could not even tell you. It's about time I did. Does dating someone new count?
16. Do you live for others or yourself? Honestly... it depends on the day. I'd like to think I live for others because I am so passionate about teaching and making a difference in the lives of my students. However at this point in my life, I can be VERY selfish at times. I want everything to be on my time and focused on me. And I am trying hard to work on that -- especially because I was not always like that.
17. What is happiness for you? A coffee date with a good friend. Deep conversation with an old friend. Visiting some place beautiful. Seeing the light in a child's eyes when they finally master something. Hearing my favorite song on the radio. Wearing a pair of comfy blue jeans. The feel of sand between my toes. Salt on my skin and an ocean breeze in my hair.
18. Do you give up too soon? Not typically. I usually start off strong. Waiver and loose speed/focus a little in the middle. Then I get a second wind and finish strong. Don't underestimate the size of the fight in my little soul.
19. When was the last time you cried? Last Friday night. I watched The Best Man Holiday. And I cried as though I had lost someone near and dear to me. I think my tears were for something deeper though. I am just not sure what.
20. Is the cup half empty or half full for you? I'd say generally half full. I am usually pretty positive and upbeat. If I am anything other - it usually signifies that I am under an undue amount of stress or going through a pretty challenging time. 

HIM. HE. YOU. < 3

If I could tell HIM one thing ... it would be that I am attracted to his personality and that I feel we have several things in common.

HE is the first guy in a VERY long time to catch my eye ... and I am giddy with revelations as I continue to learn more about him. I admire his passion for teaching and the green in his eyes. I like the way he is roots for the underdog and helps all of the people he loves.

I think it's cool how he loves music and has a wide knowledge base of TV shows, music and norms customary of African American culture. I like how he is a runner and is in love with his pup. I also like that he has a sense of humor and undeniable energy to keep moving.

I think it's awesome that he's started a blog - it shows me another side of him, one that I do not get to see when I am in person with him. I like that he wants to travel the world (and already has). That he is older, therefore a bit wiser and deeper then most guys I've had the fortune (or misfortune) of dating.

I am absolutely in like with HIM ... but I do not think he has any clue.

And to be quite honst, I am not sure if he has the same feelings for me.

To be perfectly honest, I am scared of putting myself out there one hundred percent. I know I should or else I will look back and have regrets. However, I get paralyzed within my own fear and freeze up. I must do the ONE thing I think I cannot do ... yet I do not do it.

In a perfect world, I wish he would pursue me ... listen to me talk for hours about the depths of my soul ... cuddle with my for endless hours watching chic flicks ... always want to hang out and hang on my every word. I would want for him to think about me ALL day. Text me thoughtless somethings all day long. Tell me I am beautiful. Tell me I am sexy. Kiss me on my forehead. Say how much he likes me. Say what he likes about me. Be totally and absolutely emotionally available to me.

But HE is a guy. Perhaps even a MAN. And I am probably foolish to believe that a man would do such things. There once was someone who would ... but that was a fairytale with an unfortunate ending anyway.

So I get lost in my thoughts [and fantasies] and struggle with remaining in the present. At some moments, it's hard to depict my fantasy from reality.

If I could tell YOU one thing ... it's that I am not looking for a husband right now. I am not even looking for love. But I am looking for the companionship of someone who I care about, and who maybe feels feelings of care for me. I am looking to get to know YOU better and to build the foundation of a very strong friendship - because if nothing else, I admire and look up to you. I want to feel connected - physically, socially and emotionally with you.

I want to *date* you without the official title right now.

Is that what we have been doing? I do not even know. I think you're interested on some level ... but are you romantically interested? Interested enough to get to know me deeper. To care about me deeper? I do not know.

So I write my thoughts out to you ... here ... and hope that one day I gain the courage and confidance to share them with you.

Make a Radical Change ...

“Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.” ― Jon Krakauer

25 in twenty-five

I will be 26 in less than SEVEN months! Yahoo! It is CRAZY to think about how quickly my 25th year of life is going by. With the start of a new year, below is a list of things I would like to accomplish by my last day of being 25.

Let's see if I can cross off all these items on my list!!

1. Go to a Country Concert. 
2. Go to a professional Hockey Game.
3. Go to a professional Baseball Game. 
4. Hike Old Rag.
5. Run a 15 K. 
6. Run a half marathon.
7. Save Money! 
8. Grow professionally.
9. Learn to play the guitar.
10. Budget my money.
11. Find balance between school, work and play.
12. Visit a Museum. 
13. Travel to a place I've never been within the country.
14. Travel outside of the country.
15. Learn to cook new dishes! 
16. Step outside of my comfort zone.
17. Fall in Love.
18. Do community service.
19. Make a difference in the life of a friend.
20. Be kinder and less judgemental.
21. Continue to eat clean.
22. Speak my mind.
23. Learn how to be savvy with my money when shopping. 
24. Buy a puppy.
25. Be a better friend, sister, daughter, teacher, person.

My Creed for 2014

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever." - Neil Gaiman

New Year's Resolutions for 2014

1. Make Mistakes.
2. Stop worrying about the unknown.
3. Be Myself. Love Myself.
4. LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.
5. Find balance with work, school, play.
6. Do my best. That is enough.
7. Stop trying to be perfect. I am right where I need to be.
8. Let go and embrace learning on the way.

Happy New Year! Excited to see what's in store for Twenty Fourteen.