12.25.2013
12.01.2013
Live and Let Be
I think I am having an identity crisis.
How is it that I have everything a girl could ever imagine - or want for - yet I find myself feeling lost, empty, hopeless and confused? I am not sure if I should chalk these emotions up to the changes in weather, season or in my life.
Regardless, I am feeling worried and panicked! I have no clue what to do or how to shake these feelings.
I swear I have these crises at least twice a year ... is this normal?
I worry and I worry some more. Then I think and over think. I boast then I cower. I stand tall then I bend over. I walk confidently then I doubt. It's the Christina Tango and I wish I knew how to stop the music for this dance.
Why is it that I am twenty-five years old, and I still feel as lost and confused as I did as a thirteen year old girl? Naturally my confusion is different and my location <at which I am lost> has changed. Yet, I cannot help but feel that I should have it all figured out by now. And the crazy thing is I do not.
It's December 1st ... and we are thirty days shy of a New Year. I am looking forward to the New Year - I have several resolutions that I'd like to put into practice. With thirty days of 2013 left, however, I cannot help but start reflecting over my past year of life and recognizing that in many ways, I do not like the person I have become ... the person that I am.
How do I fix that? How do I learn to love myself for exactly who I am? What is wrong with me? I swear I am in the only person this crazy ... this insane.
I feel vulnerable ALL the time. I feel like I am walking down the wrong paths at every turn. I feel like I took two wrong left turns, and my map blew away with the winds of life - that seem to sweep through my dusty corridors ever so often.
At what age does one wake up and say -- I know who I am. I know WHOSE I am. And I am okay with that?
If I could have a wish for Christmas, it would be to love myself for exactly who I am. To be fearless and live each day to the fullest. My wish would be that I was confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. That I am equipped with the tools and people ... the resources I need to do the job I have been given at this very moment. I wish that I would let go and be carefree! That I would LIVE ... LIVE ... and stop trying to be in control of EVERYTHING. My wish would be that I make mistakes. Get messy. Recognize that no one is perfect, including myself. And I wish that I would take more chances, because what do I really have to loose?
Perhaps I'll find myself on THAT path in life one day soon. I truly hope I find myself on that path.
It's really a shame that I do not see myself as others see me. That I lack that inner confidence ... where did it go? Where is that Christina that I once knew? On which street, turn, curve did she get lost? And how do I get her to come back?
How do I get her to come back? How do I shed this current reality, for a new one? How do I get my Christmas wish to come true?
I need to let go ... let go ... let go. It's okay not to be in control of everything. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to get your heart broken or your feelings hurt. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to live - to live - to live.
And that's the balance I am trying to achieve ... to know whose I am. Who I am. To live and let be.
How is it that I have everything a girl could ever imagine - or want for - yet I find myself feeling lost, empty, hopeless and confused? I am not sure if I should chalk these emotions up to the changes in weather, season or in my life.
Regardless, I am feeling worried and panicked! I have no clue what to do or how to shake these feelings.
I swear I have these crises at least twice a year ... is this normal?
I worry and I worry some more. Then I think and over think. I boast then I cower. I stand tall then I bend over. I walk confidently then I doubt. It's the Christina Tango and I wish I knew how to stop the music for this dance.
Why is it that I am twenty-five years old, and I still feel as lost and confused as I did as a thirteen year old girl? Naturally my confusion is different and my location <at which I am lost> has changed. Yet, I cannot help but feel that I should have it all figured out by now. And the crazy thing is I do not.
It's December 1st ... and we are thirty days shy of a New Year. I am looking forward to the New Year - I have several resolutions that I'd like to put into practice. With thirty days of 2013 left, however, I cannot help but start reflecting over my past year of life and recognizing that in many ways, I do not like the person I have become ... the person that I am.
How do I fix that? How do I learn to love myself for exactly who I am? What is wrong with me? I swear I am in the only person this crazy ... this insane.
I feel vulnerable ALL the time. I feel like I am walking down the wrong paths at every turn. I feel like I took two wrong left turns, and my map blew away with the winds of life - that seem to sweep through my dusty corridors ever so often.
At what age does one wake up and say -- I know who I am. I know WHOSE I am. And I am okay with that?
If I could have a wish for Christmas, it would be to love myself for exactly who I am. To be fearless and live each day to the fullest. My wish would be that I was confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. That I am equipped with the tools and people ... the resources I need to do the job I have been given at this very moment. I wish that I would let go and be carefree! That I would LIVE ... LIVE ... and stop trying to be in control of EVERYTHING. My wish would be that I make mistakes. Get messy. Recognize that no one is perfect, including myself. And I wish that I would take more chances, because what do I really have to loose?
Perhaps I'll find myself on THAT path in life one day soon. I truly hope I find myself on that path.
It's really a shame that I do not see myself as others see me. That I lack that inner confidence ... where did it go? Where is that Christina that I once knew? On which street, turn, curve did she get lost? And how do I get her to come back?
How do I get her to come back? How do I shed this current reality, for a new one? How do I get my Christmas wish to come true?
I need to let go ... let go ... let go. It's okay not to be in control of everything. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to get your heart broken or your feelings hurt. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to live - to live - to live.
And that's the balance I am trying to achieve ... to know whose I am. Who I am. To live and let be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)