On Time God?

Well ... at 3:45pm God answered my prayers.

At 4:10pm ... Satan was busy.

But the most important news is that God answered my prayer! No I do not have a job ... but I have better insight into my options and what I can consider doing in regards to interviewing. Thank you Jesus!

Back to lesson planning and IEP fun ....

The perfect sailors are made through the roughest storms

I am so angry. I am so hurt. I am feeling defeated. I want to yell, I want to scream, I want to curse. This is absolutely one of the worst experiences I have had to go through. I need someone to talk to. Yet I feel line no one understands. I am near tears. I cry every day. I feel insecure … I feel vulnerable. I am not happy. I received a job offer Tuesday morning to teach general education second grade at WLES. This job was my number one choice! The principal wanted me out of ALL of the candidates. And in an hour, a coworker and HR took that joy from me – of getting the job. They took away my right to formally accept the offer. They took the joy out of my life.

It’s been two days … all of the girls now have jobs. Two of them will be teaching at the same school together. One TOOK THE JOB OFFER THAT WAS ORIGINALLY GIVEN TO ME. So I guess she is set now. Another is interviewing today … and if luck would have it, she will get the job. Why me? Why can’t I be happy for my friends? Why am I so angry at them? Why do I want to avoid them or say hurtful things when I see them? Why can’t I be happy for them? And now I feel as if they’re avoiding me … because they know I do not have any more job offers and they do not want to hurt my feelings. It’s hard to enjoy your success when a close friend has none to enjoy.

Okay let me back track. My job was cut in March. I am a first year teacher. I have literally had the YEAR from HELL. But I have persevered and smiled through it all. Heck a thought just popped into my head … I did pray for God to lead my steps and have me do his will once. Is this what is occurring … and I am just to prideful and thick headed to see it? I just want a job – I want to be in the classroom. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy the fruit of my hard hard hard labor. Why me? Lord I am not angry at you... but I question what your plan for me is. It is so hard to be still and let god. It is so hard to be faithful. It is so hard to be patient. But I am trying lord … I know you see my struggle. You see my tears oh lord. I know you see my hurt. I am crying out to you … why me?

I am having a pity party … but I feel like I have ALWAYS had it harder than everyone else! Why am I the one who only gets to enjoy the sunshine for but a minute and then I am thrown back into a storm? Placed back onto the potter’s wheel as if I am not finished? I allow you to use me … and I always learn from this experiences. .. but this time it is different. It has to be … why did I have the roughest first five months of my teaching career … with HP? Why did you allow me to get tossed around in that storm for so long? What are you preparing me for? What plans do you have for me that I cannot see for myself? What do you see in me?

I wish you would answer me oh lord … but for now I do not know what I will do. I guess I will take things minute by minute … day by day. I guess I will try to cling on to the little bits of joy and hope that cross my path oh maybe once a day. I do not know what else to do. No one understands the struggles I go through … and they shouldn’t have to. But oh god, it makes for a lonely journey. I hope you hear me god … I need a comforter. I need hope. I need a sign of inspiration. I need peace. I am struggling … it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Although I praise you god for my family and I praise you for my friends. I praise you for the people who see something in me that I cannot see in myself. Thank you lord for the support system you have in place … for the people you have aligned me with to get through this year that I would like to call the perfect storm. Most importantly lord, I am trying to remember you are the ONLY one who can close doors no one else can close, and who can open doors no one else can open.

Crystal recently said to me … what’s yours is yours. And no one can take that away from you if God orchestrated it. So I pray in time, I understand what she means. Lord help me practice what I pray … what I preach to others … help me to stop talking and to start listening. I hear what people are saying to me but I am not listening. Lord help me be still and meditate on the positive words of others that I may in due time understand truly what they mean … that I will be able to testify to others about the goodness of you.

The perfect sailors are made through the roughest storms. I aspire to be the perfect sailor … help me anchor in you lord so that I made ride out this storm.

Poet-Tree Bulletin Board

My students are currently learning about poetry. We kicked off our unit by learning about acrostic poems ... and then students were able to create their own acrostic name poems. Inspired by the warm, spring weather ... I created a "poet-tree" to showcase my student's hard work and talents! The bulletin board is a little more kid friendly and artistic than I had wanted it to be ... but my students were super proud of their poems hanging on display! This was a fun bulletin board to create (and my students and I had a BLAST writing our poems to display!)

Spring Break is Over

Back to work I go tomorrow. Spring Break has been incredibly amazing, relaxing and blessed! I was able to catch up on sleep and spend time with some of the girlfriends I adore the MOST! I also got to spend a lot of time with family. I do not think my break could have been any better.

I am not even ready for school tomorrow ... but I am SO thankful we have 37 days until Summer Break!

I am praying I have a stress free work week and that my students are happy to see me! I know I will secretly be happy to see them - when I am not pulling my hair out over their forgetfulness.

Here's to the final stretch of my first year of teaching!

Happy Birthday Tony!

My Baby Brother is now Fifteen :) All Grown Up!

Mom, Tony and Dad

Michelle, Tony and I (Harris Siblings)

Michelle and I

We celebrated Tony's 15th birthday yesterday during our Easter Dinner with the family. Tony is an advid fan of the Washington Captials ... so my younger sister made him a birthday cake that mirrors a Caps jersey. Tony absolutely loved it! He had a wonderful day and I am happy I was able to celebrate his birthday with him!

A Home of my Own

I have just had an epiphany:

My sister graduates from college next spring, and most likely will be returning home to live permanently. The past forty-eight hours have been beyond trying for me. As a result, I have realized that I HAVE to move out by this time next year. I cannot foresee myself living in close living quarters with my sister and my three other family members come that point in my life. I will be going on twenty-four years old. It will be time. Even if I do not feel I am ready, I will have to spread my wings and fly.

I need my own space. My own place. I think my sister and I will have a much BETTER relationship if we are NOT living in a 11ft by 11ft room together. So this is my goal ... and I will do everything possible to stick to it. I imagine this is going to be tough for me - I enjoy spending money way too much. However, this has to happen. I HAVE to save my pennies this upcoming year. I MUST be froogle. I must develop a budget for my expenses.

This time next year, I WILL be packing up my things and moving out. The question is - will the economy be better and will I be able to afford buying a house house. I have said all along that I would rather buy a house versus rent an apartment. I will have to remain prayerful that I will be finanically able to make that move. I can do it! I will do it!

Baby sister ... I love you very much! But I also love my sanity so much more. I have to do this for myself. Please know that you will ALWAYS be welcome to come over and spend time with me. But I am old enough and ready ... I need my own place.

Six Hours ...

Although not very Christian of me ... is it wrong to admit that I am COUNTING down the hours until my sister goes back to school? I cannot wait to have my room back, my space back, my house back and most importantly to appreciate her from a distance! I miss her when she is gone but hate her when she is here. We are truly night and day ... I wonder if I will ever be able to spend more than 2 hours with her without getting annoyed. When we get older, one another may be all we have ... that terrifies me. Again, I cannot stand her half the time ... I hope that changes one day.

In the mean time .... six hours and counting .....

Happy Easter!

‎"For God So Loved the World...that He Gave His One and Only Son...that who ever Believes in Him...will Not Perish...but Have Everlasting and Eternal Life" - John 3:16 ♥.


He has Risen ... Happy Easter to you and your loved ones!

New Beginnings

It is a gorgeous day outside ... and I feel like I have not been able to enjoy any of it. I woke up around 10am and prepared for the gym, momentarily sidetracked by a movie my sister was watching on TV. Michelle is home for the weekend to celebrate Easter with the family.

Nonetheless, my momentary sidetrack turned into a forty minute affair ... and then I whizzed off to the gym to run 3 miles on the treadmill and find myself drenched in sweat. I came home and showered then I feel like I have been doing my hair ever since. To be honest - washing my hair is an ALL day affair. I still need to blow dry one more time ... but hot dogs just came out the oven and sound so much more appetizing.

Later tonight, the family and I will be attending an Easter Eve service at Church of the Redeemer. :o)

I already have a blog that I have been blogging on since 2008. I have decided to keep that blog private, as most of my entries are about my ex boyfriend Sean. Each entry details the struggle I have had with moving on and letting go. This blog, however, will be public and for me to share all of the OTHER things occuring in my life - like my job, friends, family ... basically me embarking on a journey into my adult single life!

My mother continues to pester me about getting off this thing .... so until next time, have a blessed Easter!

saying goodbye

"I’ve had to say ‘good-bye’ more times than I would have liked, but everyone can say that. And no matter how many times we do it, even when it’s for the greater good, it still stings. And though we’ll never forget what we’ve given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can’t do is live our lives always afraid of the next ‘good-bye,’ because chances are they’re not going to stop. The trick is to recognize when a ‘good-bye’ can be a good thing; when it’s a chance to start again." -Ugly Betty

i am currently feeling myself hit that crossroads ... that fork in the road ... that turning point where i let down my defenses and go back to what is familiar and comfortable. but i really feel an urge more than ever to stick to my guns this time ... and keep pressing forward. i can think of 101 reasons why i deserve a guy better than sean ... and yet all it takes is one sometimes to get me turning on my heels. but i really feel that this time - things need to change. something needs to be different. i need to stand firm for myself ... my future ... my happiness ... for the respect, love and admiration i adore. 

i have had to do A LOT of soul searching lately ... and i get the feeling that this is just the beginning. i am continuously going back down memory lane trying to determine the point at which things turned for the worse ... how my actions contributed to where i am today ... how his did. i am really trying to relive and think hard about all of my sleepless nights and teary eyes ... about the hurt and pain i experienced for so long. about what i had to go through to get where i am at now. when you think about things in that manner ... there is a point at which you have an epiphany about what was, what is and what will never be.

i know that this time i am going to have to fight harder than i have ever had to fight ... to make it over this bend in the road. but i am determined to do it. i need to do it for myself and what i deserve. i need to have more respect for myself ... more pride in myself ... more love. again, i need to stand up for me - because if i don't love me and fight for me, nobody else will. this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life ... a new journey. but i am determined to make it :) i cant worry about sean's other *girls* and i have to let go of what i feel and what i think ... and recognize what has been right in front of my eyes all along.

i am encouraged because i think i have done a great job at that so far. the true task is maintaining this over the next couple of weeks until the problem will fully be eliminated from my life. 

"I’ve had to say ‘good-bye’ more times than I would have liked, but everyone can say that.  The trick is to recognize when a ‘good-bye’ can be a good thing; when it’s a chance to start again." 

The Fairytale is Ending

Had a crazy dream last night that Sean was nearby. I find out today, that in fact ... he was nearby. He stayed with Mike and Nathan this weekend. The discernment I have with him is incredible! I am not sure what God is trying to tell me ... but he is trying to say something loud and clear.

I am so unbelievably hurt and angry right now ... not even because he "tried to hit me up" and then gave up when I did not respond to the ONE text he sent. I am actually grateful that it worked out that I did not hear from him ... it made my life easier. It is not like I wanted to see his ass anyhow.

I am upset because I am beyond tired of the games, lies and old habits. I do not understand why Sean thinks my heart is a play thing ... that he can tinker with at his disposal. I am upset that when I confronted him about his lies ... he logged off line. I am upset that it has been over a year ... and I find myself in the SAME place that I was in a year ago. I am upset that he does not respect me at ALL ... and that I have contributed largely to him not respecting me.

I go back to that fateful day back in February of 2008 .... when he cheated on me. I allowed him to crawl back to me ... and then I slept with him that very night. That night forever changed the scope of our future together ... oh how hindsight is 20/20. I cannot go back in time and I have no regrets ... but God if ever, I feel like from this day forward ... I need to let go of that kid. This relationship needs to die ... fade away. I cannot go on like this ... I am way too special ... I deserve way too much.

No words right now to explain the disgust I feel in my heart for this kid. Is it wrong that I think he treats me this way because I am black? That he can just tap dance on my face, because I am some ignorant and pathetic black girl? I mean think of the way we sleep together ... he wants to do inhumane things to me all for pleasure. I am disgusted. I just want to crawl into a corner right now and bawl. I want to cry and cry ... make up smeared and running down my face. I want to cry for my past .... cry for the pain I have endured. Cry for the boy I used to know ... used to love. Cry for the relationship we used to have. Cry for all the questions and feelings that I have ... that go unaddressed and unanswered. I want to cry because at the end of the day, I know that we can never be together. I want to cry because I know that I will never mean to him what he means to me. I want to cry because I gave him my all, and was left with nothing in return. Right now I sit typing feverishly ... with black stained tears dripping down my cheeks.

What a couple of years it has been. A roller coaster ride for sure. But it is not worth it any more ... he is not worth it. In a land of hopes and dreams ... fairytales and happy endings ... I wish that Sean and I could remain good friends. I wish that Sean and I would work out forever after. But this isn't a fairytale ... and happy every only happens in the the movies.

This is it ... my goal for myself is to stay clear of Sean McKenzie. He is nothing but a setback ... and I've come too far to backtrack.

Here is to Sean McKenzie ... the fairytale is ending.