saying goodbye

"I’ve had to say ‘good-bye’ more times than I would have liked, but everyone can say that. And no matter how many times we do it, even when it’s for the greater good, it still stings. And though we’ll never forget what we’ve given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can’t do is live our lives always afraid of the next ‘good-bye,’ because chances are they’re not going to stop. The trick is to recognize when a ‘good-bye’ can be a good thing; when it’s a chance to start again." -Ugly Betty

i am currently feeling myself hit that crossroads ... that fork in the road ... that turning point where i let down my defenses and go back to what is familiar and comfortable. but i really feel an urge more than ever to stick to my guns this time ... and keep pressing forward. i can think of 101 reasons why i deserve a guy better than sean ... and yet all it takes is one sometimes to get me turning on my heels. but i really feel that this time - things need to change. something needs to be different. i need to stand firm for myself ... my future ... my happiness ... for the respect, love and admiration i adore. 

i have had to do A LOT of soul searching lately ... and i get the feeling that this is just the beginning. i am continuously going back down memory lane trying to determine the point at which things turned for the worse ... how my actions contributed to where i am today ... how his did. i am really trying to relive and think hard about all of my sleepless nights and teary eyes ... about the hurt and pain i experienced for so long. about what i had to go through to get where i am at now. when you think about things in that manner ... there is a point at which you have an epiphany about what was, what is and what will never be.

i know that this time i am going to have to fight harder than i have ever had to fight ... to make it over this bend in the road. but i am determined to do it. i need to do it for myself and what i deserve. i need to have more respect for myself ... more pride in myself ... more love. again, i need to stand up for me - because if i don't love me and fight for me, nobody else will. this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life ... a new journey. but i am determined to make it :) i cant worry about sean's other *girls* and i have to let go of what i feel and what i think ... and recognize what has been right in front of my eyes all along.

i am encouraged because i think i have done a great job at that so far. the true task is maintaining this over the next couple of weeks until the problem will fully be eliminated from my life. 

"I’ve had to say ‘good-bye’ more times than I would have liked, but everyone can say that.  The trick is to recognize when a ‘good-bye’ can be a good thing; when it’s a chance to start again."