I am so unbelievably hurt and angry right now ... not even because he "tried to hit me up" and then gave up when I did not respond to the ONE text he sent. I am actually grateful that it worked out that I did not hear from him ... it made my life easier. It is not like I wanted to see his ass anyhow.
I am upset because I am beyond tired of the games, lies and old habits. I do not understand why Sean thinks my heart is a play thing ... that he can tinker with at his disposal. I am upset that when I confronted him about his lies ... he logged off line. I am upset that it has been over a year ... and I find myself in the SAME place that I was in a year ago. I am upset that he does not respect me at ALL ... and that I have contributed largely to him not respecting me.
I go back to that fateful day back in February of 2008 .... when he cheated on me. I allowed him to crawl back to me ... and then I slept with him that very night. That night forever changed the scope of our future together ... oh how hindsight is 20/20. I cannot go back in time and I have no regrets ... but God if ever, I feel like from this day forward ... I need to let go of that kid. This relationship needs to die ... fade away. I cannot go on like this ... I am way too special ... I deserve way too much.
No words right now to explain the disgust I feel in my heart for this kid. Is it wrong that I think he treats me this way because I am black? That he can just tap dance on my face, because I am some ignorant and pathetic black girl? I mean think of the way we sleep together ... he wants to do inhumane things to me all for pleasure. I am disgusted. I just want to crawl into a corner right now and bawl. I want to cry and cry ... make up smeared and running down my face. I want to cry for my past .... cry for the pain I have endured. Cry for the boy I used to know ... used to love. Cry for the relationship we used to have. Cry for all the questions and feelings that I have ... that go unaddressed and unanswered. I want to cry because at the end of the day, I know that we can never be together. I want to cry because I know that I will never mean to him what he means to me. I want to cry because I gave him my all, and was left with nothing in return. Right now I sit typing feverishly ... with black stained tears dripping down my cheeks.
What a couple of years it has been. A roller coaster ride for sure. But it is not worth it any more ... he is not worth it. In a land of hopes and dreams ... fairytales and happy endings ... I wish that Sean and I could remain good friends. I wish that Sean and I would work out forever after. But this isn't a fairytale ... and happy every only happens in the the movies.
This is it ... my goal for myself is to stay clear of Sean McKenzie. He is nothing but a setback ... and I've come too far to backtrack.
Here is to Sean McKenzie ... the fairytale is ending.
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