It has been three months. In some ways, three months have gone by SO fast. In other ways, these have been the longest three months of my life.
This morning as I drove to work, I cried out to God declaring that I had forgiven Michael. That I was forgiving him for the hurt he caused me, for the pain. For not being able to love me the way I wanted ... and needed to be loved. For not fighting for me when I walked away. For not always treating me the way I deserved with his words or actions.
This came shortly after reading an "On This Day" facebook post from today, one year ago:
Thanks Living on a Wednesday:
This being thankful stuff is wonderful. Even on days that aren't so bright ... it really makes you stop and think about all of the good things going on in your life. It also makes me feel happier. More content.
Slept in until 9AM today with my guy. Spring weather awaited outside. We went to lunch together - at the Golden Corral. Delicious. Walked over to the Mall ... and browsed through some stores.
He took me home to get my car. His Vday gift was waiting on the porch ... and I could not help but give it to him early. I was SO excited about it. He loved it. Mission accomplished.
He made me the most delicious ribeye steak for dinner with mac N cheese, green beans and apple sauce. IPA on the side and ice cream with all the fixings for dessert.
It's been a good day with him by my side. I enjoy his company. His sweet, sincere personality. His sense of humor. His beautiful eyes. His laugh and smile. I hope I never take him for granted ... he is a treasure and some days I am not so sure that I am worthy of him.
Thank you lord for blessing my life with him. I really cannot imagine my world without him in it.
Back to school tomorrow. Here goes nothing!
This post that I had carefully crafted a year ago, reminded me that what I experienced with Mike was in fact real. I have beaten myself up lately wondering if my time with him was real or make believe. If it was a figment of my imagination that he was loving and kind ... or if he had in fact been those things at one point in time. This post confirmed my doubt and confusion. At one time, what we had was real.
I realized on my car ride to work though, that I have to forgive him. I need to let go. My fervent prayer and tears were a release this AM. I literally felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. I am not too foolish to proclaim that this will be the last time I am sad, or that I cry over this man. But I do believe that God heard my prayer. That he and I both recognize that I have forgiven Mike.
I also asked God to speak to me. Funny what you pray for ... I stumbled across this elephant journal entry this evening ...
Your contract was complete. A wise healer once explained to me that every interaction we have with others—friends, family, lovers, our children—involves a contract made on the soul level. Our souls agree to help one another out with some aspect of our earthly existence. Some of the contracts last a lifetime, while others are only good for a short period of time.
The length of the contract depends on the experience we need the other person to help us through. And, every interaction, no matter how terrible it may seem in the material realm, helps evolve our spirits. I know, sometimes it doesn’t seem like it, but this belief requires faith. When people are no longer in our lives, it means the contract has been fulfilled. We must thank the other person in our hearts, wish them well even if we feel pain, and let them go
What a message. What peace I feel. The contract has been fulfilled. The day we broke up, I told myself that God said job well done. I had done everything in my power to nourish that relationship. When I walked away, it was because there was nothing else I could do. I was drained and needed to part ways. But I have no doubt that I gave that relationship my all. And that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had.
The message I read this evening reminds me of this. It also makes me feel as though God has acknowledged my prayer, my cries and that season of my life. My soul contract with Mike was fulfilled. It is complete. This contract unfortunately did not last a lifetime. But gosh I am grateful that it lasted at all.
My season of life with Mike, overall, was a good one. I grew so much as a person. Hell ... I grew up during my time with him. When I met him, I was a 25 year old girl dancing on tables wasted, and throwing up in people's cars hahaa. I changed when I met him. I left behind many of my old, foolish ways and behaviors. The next couple of days/weeks, I will ponder what lessons did I learn from this season of life? I think recongnizing and understanding those lessons will be key to continued advancement in life (and to continued healing).
Taken from another elephant journal article..
What I didn’t know was that the experiences that were deeply painful and difficult were exactly what my soul had requested before coming here so I could learn and grow.
Damn soul, always taking the bumpy route to enlightenment.
Our souls know when we come here what our life purpose is, and they plant lots and lots of people, experiences and lessons in our path to get us there. Those people and experiences are always leading us to our higher self, but there are tons of lessons we need to learn in order to reach that final destination of spiritual enlightenment.
This is where our soul contracts with other people come into play.
We make them before we come here and those people are incredibly important to our soul’s growth, no matter how brief our encounters with them may be. They present opportunities that push us further towards where we are meant to go.
Without them, we may not have made it there.
The bottom line? What he doesn’t realize is that through our brief encounter with each other, he helped advance my soul in many ways. What I saw as his “rejection” of me revealed to me how I continue to go into my story of not being enough when a man decides he doesn’t want to stay.
I am more than enough. And his decision to not pursue anything deeper with me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and where he is at in his own journey.
Thank you Lord for the past three months. I am not sure I want to go through them again, haha. But I am grateful for the lessons learn, my character strengthened and the fact that this broken road has led me back to you. I look forward to seeing where I am in the next three months. I plan to buckle up ... no doubt it has the potential to be a bumpy ride!
