Introspection & Reflection

I've had a blessed weekend at the beach. It was a much needed vacation and it was nice to escape the hustle and flow of daily life. This weekend has also forced me to continue my introspective reflection for determining where I am in life ... Emotionally, spiritually, mentally.

I am at a series of crossroads and I have never felt more vulnerable and uncomfortable. As I identify my frustrations with life aspirations and my personal relationships, I become forced ... Indebted even ... To take a look in the mirror at myself.

I must look at my actions/words and determine what they convey about my heart.

Currently ... What I have come up with is this: I am a piece of work and I have a lot of growing to do. Ie recently discovered several character flaws and shortcomings about myself that I desperately would like to improve upon. And within these weaknesses ... I think I continuously conclude that I want something more.

And even clearer .. Perhaps that more is seeking a closer more faith driven relationship with God. Yet I am too timid to pursue and seek this closer relationship with him. I hate myself for not knowing what's holding me back. I guilt myself for forsaking his name in public and perpetrating to friends at times.

I hang my head knowing my words and actions often equivalate the disciple that forsaked Jesus three times (sad I do not remember... Case for why I need to attend church .... Yes? Oh bother.)

I am not sure why my foundation is being shaken ... But I need to be prayerful and faithful that God is trying to raise me up to new levels.