(eighth grade ... best friends)
I am feeling the blues. I have been extra sensitive the past week ... and I attribute much of this to PMS. However, I am really blue now after having to say goodbye to Sean. My weekend could not have been more perfect....
On Friday, I received three missed phone calls from Sean. I called him back to find out he was home for the weekend and wanted to work out together. Of course I jumped at the idea :o) We met up and went for a two mile run around a beautiful lake. We returned to his house to reconnect and spend some time together. After he prepared for dinner at longhorn with his family, I left for my house. I ended up falling asleep on the couch....
Only to be wakened by the sound of my cell phone ringing the next morning. Sean wanted to hang out again and go for a run :o) Again ... I jumped at the idea! We ran two miles ... around my neighborhood and up to the local town center and back to my house again. At my house, we spent some time stretching and talking. Then I drove Sean back to his house ... and hung out for a bit with him and his mother. I returned back to my house to shower and prepare for a massage appointment. Then I went shopping with my younger sister. When I returned home, Sean asked me to come back over to his house. We hung out until about 10pm ... when he decided to go play pool ... and I decided to go to my friend's Memorial Day barbeque.
My only regret of this ENTIRE WEEKEND is not going to play pool with Sean. I wish I had been able to spend a little bit more time in his company.
Sunday morning, I called Sean to go to the local gym. We spent over two hours there ... and by the time we had left, we had run 6 miles and lifted weights. He rode with me on errands and we went to visit my friends. I dropped him off at his house ... and then enjoyed a Memorial Day cookout with my family at my house. Sunday was the evening he was set to go back to his college house in Winchester and back up his remaining belongings.
Before I left with family to go see the Hangover 2, I made sure to go say my last farewell to Sean. He - per usual - was semi rude hahaha. His mother flipped out that he was not paying me more attention or spending last moments with me. Typical Sean ... I was not hurt nor offended ... it's the usual. I did not have much time, as I had an 8:45pm movie to catch, so we went out to the parking lot to say our goodbyes. No sooner had we left his front porch, did Sean tell me not to cry. The funny thing is I had been rehearsing all weekend ... my exact words to him upon his departure. Part of my rehearsal was telling myself not to cry. But like the good old days ... when we dated and Sean would read me like a book ... he saw the tears building up in my eyes and commented.
Needless to say, my floodgates opened and I bawled. I cried and cried and cried ... and I am not even sure why. Sean was hard to read. He told me he cared about me and that he would see me again. He told me to stop crying ... that I would not miss him and that I would continue on with my life. He reminded me that the past several months ... I never called or needed him ... so there would be no need for me to think I would all of a sudden need him now. Although in some ways he is exactly right, I told him the difference is I cannot just pick up the phone and call him whenever I want. I cannot look forward to seeing him on Facebook chat or on instant messenger whenever I want. I cannot drive up to Winchester to spend the weekend with him whenever I want. And most importantly ... I recognize that this is a change that will forever impact what is and is not for us.
Sean is preparing to be a marine. Not a civilian ... he has done that for the past 22 years of his life. But a marine, and with service to our country, comes great sacrifices. I cried because we will never be boyfriend and girlfriend again. I cried because he will never live five minutes down the street from me again. I cried because he will never be fully mine again. I cried because I know life is going to take us both in different directions. Sean is going to see the world ... possibly meet the woman of his dreams ... settle down and begin a family. I am going to continue teaching in Maryland ... meet the man of my dreams ... settle down and begin a family. However, in my heart, I know this story will most likely not end with him.
It may sound silly ... and now I am venting … but I know this is where our story ends. I would imagine we would keep in touch and remain distant friends throughout the years. However, I had always dreamed of marrying Sean. Back in 2006 when we first became an item, we promised that we would forever be in one another’s lives. Sean got down on one knee and told me I was the one … the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The one he wanted to have babies with. But then a funny thing called life got in the way, we grew older … had our issues … and decided to go our separate ways. He dated several others … I remained single … but I never quite got over him or the dreams we had shared.
Every time we get together … I cannot help but feel there is some type of connection still. I mean … I know the bond that we shared for four years – no one will EVER be able to take from him or me. Sean and I were one another’s first loves. We lost our virginities to one another. We shared a first kiss … a first I love you … a first fight … a first everything. And no matter how much I date or spend time with new suitors … I cannot shake that there is something different and special about Sean … that I want him to be in my life forever.
Okay. So now I am rambling on and on and on. In a perfect world, I am so proud of Sean and his choice to enlist. I know he is doing what he has been called to do … and I know he will be great at it. I also know that if we are meant to remain friends … if we are meant to cross paths again … even if we are meant to marry, it will happen. But I think I would be okay with all of this if I knew in my heart of hearts that Sean felt EXACTLY the way I do about everything. And that maybe, he stays up late at night pondering the same things I ponder – in relation to him and I.
I would imagine one day I will come back across this and think to myself, “Wow Christina! How selfish and immature were you?” I may even look back and laugh saying, “Oh my gosh! I remember when I thought Sean was the one … and now look, I am happy and blessed with someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them.”
I do not know what the future holds … and I look over the past and marvel at how much things have changed and how much things have remained the same. Basically, this blog entry is for me to clear my chest and clear my mind. And to document that I already miss Sean more than I ever imagined. And I hope he does not forget me … and that maybe, just maybe, at some point … I will be on his mind. One thing is for sure, I know what we had was real – and I will forever hold a piece of his heart. I just pray that he remains safe … that he makes it through boot camp and that he comes out a man!
Again, Sean I miss you already! I love you more than words can share. I am thankful for having had the opportunity to spend a chunk of my life in your arms … and to spend time with you during your last moments as a civilian. You have forever changed my life just by being in it … and I pray that you are fulfilled by the commitment you are making :o) God Speed … Semper Fi <3
Christina
(first date ... October 6th, 2006)
"You will never forget your first love. That's what makes it so special. You love so hard, so deeply, and so intensely because you don’t know any different. It's the best until it is over. Then you hurt like you've never been hurt before. Eventually you love again, but you love differentl
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