It's True: You Never Forget Your First Love

These past couple of days have been extremely rough for me. I am not sure why, but I *seem* to miss Sean more than ever. What the hell is going on with me!? I mean ... I am super embarrassed that .... two years later (after we broke up ... officially) AND four years later (after all the bullshit I put up with) .... I am STILL crying over this boy. Seriously!? I mean ... I must toot my own horn and congratulate myself on ALL of the progress I have made. Truth is, I have come a LONG way and made TONS of progress. Bravo Christina, Bravo. However, I feel like I should have been over this boy eons ago .... especially considering all of the shit he put me through.

Am I the ONLY one who is going through this? I mean I contemplate on the regular why it is that he is the LAST person on my mind before I go to sleep at night and why he is often on the FIRST person on my mind when I wake up in the morning. It's like I am obsessed with him ... and unfortunately, he does not share that same enthusiasm. I cannot answer my own question of whether I cannot get over him because he was my first love or because I have a hard time of letting people go/moving on. I cannot answer my oqn question of whether or not I still love him ... or if it is the good times with him that I miss. I cannot figure all of this out ... but in my head - which is clearly not logical - I feel like the simple solution is to fall in love. With another guy. To date again. To throw myself completely into another ... so that there is no room left to think of Sean.

I get scared sometimes wondering if Mr. Right is out there for me. I get scared ... because I gave my ALL to someone who wasn't able or willing to give it back. I am convinced I will never love again ... and that's a shame because I have so much love to give. I wonder on what day ... at what hour ... I will meet my new love. And I wonder on what day and at what hour I will be over Sean. Will I ever get over him? I wonder ... All I can continue to do is to send love and send light .... then drop it.