My Own Worst Enemy?

October has been a wonderful month for me - in comparison to September. I have loved a lot, laughed a lot and lived a lot. I praise God for all of the blessings and experiences I have had this month. Come to think of it - October has gone by entirely way too fast.

Funny is my life has been in the semi fast lane too. And now that the smoke is beginning to clear, and my vehicle has slowed down, I find myself feeling lost. All of a sudden ... I am questioning relationships I have with people. Why do I do this to myself month in and month out? Why do I get so insecure when it comes time to relationships?

I find myself asking - myself - am I a good friend? Have I grown selfish? Do I make enough time for my friends? Who are my true friends? Do I like the company I keep? These thoughts are probably silly ... but I feel so vulnerable all of a sudden. Why!? Is this Satan? Or Am I my own worst enemy?

I hope I have a blessed time out in Baltimore this weekend ... Lord guide my steps.

The King's English

Since late September, I have been truly happy and enjoying my life! There is not a moment or day that has passed ... that I cannot remember taking a second to praise God for it's wonderfulness. This week has been no exception, however I have noticed that I have been under attack spiritually in a couple of different incidences.

The most troubling to me, however, has been my post observation meeting with my principal today. Earlier in the week, I planned and taught a lesson in reading; and my principal came to my classroom to observe me teaching. Today we both met to discuss my lesson, and I was eager to hear what constructive criticism and positive feedback she had to provide. Unexpectedly, we began the meeting with small chat about how I am doing and how reading instruction is going in the classroom.

Feeling at ease and confident, I responded "Laura and me" have been implementing a new structure for our guided reading block and we are working together to improve the structure. My principal immediately interrupted me and said that I ought to learn the King's English ... because "Laura and me" is improper. Instead, she pointed out that I should have said "Laura and I." My principal then continued to say that I need to ask my coworker to assist me (in fixing this horrible mistake) by pointing out when I make this grievous error. I was beyond flabbergasted and caught off guard. I did not know what to think ... other than, "SHIT!" Think carefully about what you say next so that you do not make the King frown upon your grammatical mishaps in conversation.

After this point in conversation, I think my brain went black. I was preoccupied with holding back my tears, formulating grammatically correct sentences to respond to my principal AND relaxing my face muscles ... so that my administrator did not see my defeat and panic. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, I have been asked to be observed .... AGAIN. F M L. Oh wait ... that's not the King's English. I am so frustrated right now ... I HATE being a novice at things ... and  I hate doing anything less than perfection. I am upset my principal found so much wrong with my lesson ... although she made a few valid points that  I have considered. I am angry that I did not follow my instincts and tell my co-teacher that I was uncomfortable teaching this lesson that she thought would be spectacular. I am overwhelmed at the pressure and responsibility of having to bring my special education students up at least five book levels by the end of the year. Oh! And at ensuring that they will have passing scores on the MSA's in March.

I bawled all afternoon ... in fact, I look like a swollen baboon right now.

I bitched and complained to my friends and family. And almost 12 hours later ... I am beginning to feel better. I pray that God gives me strength to face the obstacles that are put in my path this school year. I pray that these obstacles help me build a tough exterior and support my development as a teacher. What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger ... and God will not put me in a situation that I cannot get through without him. Thank you Jesus for putting me back on the potter's wheel ... help me Let Go and Let You direct my steps. I will get through this ... and I will be better for it.

In the meantime ... I don't think I will EVER make the mistake of saying "So and So ... and ME" ever AGAIN! Perhaps I should purchase a rosetta stone program ... and brush up on my grammar ;o)

But I'd of had to miss the dance

It has been five years since I began dating Sean.

Five years ago on this day - Oct 7, 2006 - I began dating Sean. I had no dreams of the relationship going very far, but I gave it a try. I thought Sean was weird and annoying and kind of funny looking - but I enjoyed talking to him and he really liked me, so I gave it a go. The next thing I knew ... it was November around Thanksgiving time, and he was telling me he loved me and I was saying it back. Then it was December ... and we lost our virginity to one another. Then it was April, and we had been together for six months. Then our 1 year anniversary arrived, and we both cried our eyes out at the thought of God blessing us with one another. Then in February 2008 ... Sean broke my heart. He cheated on me with one of my friends .... and denied it. From that point on, our relationship was cracked and never the same again.

We grew apart. I did not trust him ... and he turned into the stereotypical asshole. Fall of 2008 rolled around ... and I was desperately clinging on to a boyfriend who was heartless and talking to other women behind my back. I allowed Sean to take advantage of me physically, emotionally, mentally .... he would put me down and manipulate me. He would guilt trip me for when I questioned his relationships with other women and so forth. Spring of 2009 ... I attempted to take my life. I was so depressed and so down .... I twiddled down to a mere 125 pounds. I did not eat, I did not sleep ... I just cried my eyes out and drank away the pain. Fall 2009 ... we *officially* broke up. Sean broke up with me through a text message. I was not good enough for a phone call or an explanation. He began dating other girls ... but somehow managed to continuously contact me and keep me hooked. I took the bait ... weak, insecure and hurt .... I took the bait and played along.

Spring 2010 .... I still dreamt of marrying Sean and I was hopeful that we would work out. I mean, he continued to tell me he loved me ... we continued to sleep together on the side ... he continued to hit me up via phone calls, texts, instant messages. I was too caught up in my fantasy ... too insecure and unaware of my self worth ... to realize, he was still playing games. He only made time for me when it was convenient for him. He only contact me when he wanted sex. Again, I allowed it. I thought that I was better off being an option ... than nothing at all.

Absolutely disgusting when you think about it. I was that low and that clueless ... that I deserved the world and so much more. That Sean was taking advantage of me and almost abusing me mentally, physically and emotionally.

This time last year ... I was still making midnight road trips up to him and sleeping with him. I was still holding on to the ideal that we were meant to be and would ultimately work out together. That he actually cared about me and wanted to be with me.

It wasn't until this past September ... when I went to see Sean graduate from boot camp at Parris Island ... and when we returned, and I realized Sean put EVERYONE before me (thus clearly taking me for granted) that I made a decision to let go. To finally let go ... to see things for what they were ... to confess I no longer loved him .... to confess that I loved myself more. To make a commitment with myself to change and to love myself.

Oh gosh ... the first two or three weeks were soo tough. I cried myself to sleep every night. I was depressed and scared for my life. But the neat thing about prayer and time and God ... is one morning I woke up, and the pain was gone. I could see clearly - I know that I had made the right choice and that I was finally free. It took the Parris Island trip to open up my eyes to what I deserve and to give me the closure I needed all along to finally walk away.

5 years ago today, I started a journey that I just knew I would be on for the rest of my life with Sean. But Today is a NEW day, and I am here to say proudly - I know I deserve better and I am 100% over Sean. I still cry sometimes ... I miss who I thought he was and what I thought we had. But I know in my heart, that I am in a better place than I EVER have been. And that one day soon ... I will meet someone who challenges me to be better and who treats me the way I deserve to be treated.

It's amazing what can happen in five years ... and how much time changes things.

"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"

Crisis ... Averted :o)

Have you ever realized that facebook is quite possibly one of the BEST and WORSE inventions EVER created? It can make you feel so connected to people and so left out at the same time. My mother called it a bragging platform the other day ... I think of it as a great way to mistake the grass as greener on the other side.

In a perfect world ... I would be the center of attention ... ALWAYS. Everyone would LOVE me and I would get along with everyone. I would always keep friends and never loose them ... I would be the life of the party ... the person everyone wants to talk to or be friends with. A girl can dream huh? Ha! I think about what I just wrote and realize how DUMB that sounds. That is because it is dumb.

I am really working this month on accepting myself for who I am ... flaws and all. Pastor Dale's sermons are touching upon that ... but it is really something I want to embrace. I ... my whole life ... have been one to covet what others have at times ... or what they're doing. WHY!? I think it is an insecurity of mine. I have an overwhelming need to be liked and needed by others. I do a terrible job of doing that for others ... but you know how Leo's roll ... it's all about me. I want to diligently work at changing this over time.

I will not find happiness within ... if I am constantly feeling bad or down about myself because of what other people are doing AND what they may/may not think about myself. I need to love me for me ... and celebrate my positive qualities. I need to work on living in the moment and appreciating life as it comes. I need to really try to work on looking at the glass half full - recognizing the good in my life and letting go of all the rest.

I am speaking it into existence ... OCTOBER will be one of the best months of my life. I want this to be a turning point ... no crossroads ... but a point at which I make every effort to be the best me and love myself inside and out. I am truly blessed and fortunate in so many areas of my life. I need not forget this.

A part of me is wondering if perhaps I should shutdown my facebook and twitter ... try to go a month without it, and really explore myself. HA! I am not there yet ... LOL. Chriss - don't get too far ahead of yourself. But Whew! Crisis averted ... I saw one of my former coworkers (who I am no longer friends with) write on the wall of a former coworker I am friends with ... and I instantaneously became jealous when I realized what had gone on tonight -- some WMES staff had gone out to dinner. And I was not invited. Oh well - everything happens for a reason. averted

Your Struggle in Life

It has been a tough day or two. Not as bad as this time two weeks ago ... but I am going through a rough patch. I am thankful that I see this patch for what it is though. All of a sudden, I feel guilty for feeling how I feel about Sean and I am trying to make excuses for why I miss him and want to be with him. I am continuously thinking about "him" and it does not help when I hear old songs that remind me of him. I had a moment today where I stopped, looked myself in the mirror, and said, "You have got to get yourself together. You deserve better ... you are better ... than this. Do not settle for less. Know your worth ... do not go back down that road."

And it was at that moment, that I was able to call out - you want to crawl back into this pattern that you *know*. The pattern that you're familiar with ... because it's easy. This pattern of running back to him ... having him break my heart and smash it to pieces. This pattern of being the victim ... of sleepless nights, and teary eyes, and despair. I have done this for two ... hell, maybe four in a half LONG years. It is what I know. It is what I *thought* I deserved. It is what I have tolerated. And I am now ready to break free ... but if I were to be perfectly honest, I am scared shitless.

That's the thing about change ... it takes you out of your comfort zone. I feel it ... I see it ... change on the horizon. But I am absolutely, positively scared shitless. So what do I want to do? I want to run back to the one person I know ... the one person who makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Makes sense right? I know ... it's stupid! But it's a cycle I have not broken ... and right now I am on the edge of a breakthrough, and I do not know what to do. I am not frustrated ... but I am terrified.

My biggest fears? That I am not worthy of being loved. That I will never find anyone else who will love me like Sean ... hell, that will love me. That I will never find anyone that I will fall in love with. That I will NEVER get over Sean. That I will NEVER move from this dark, lonely place. That I will end up old and alone.....

I am scared! I am sad. I am angry. I am alone. I am desperate to move past this place.

I ask myself why I allowed Sean to break me so much. God ... if I could go back to my sophomore year of college, and change the chain of events that led me to this place. I ask myself why I care about him so much ... and why I seem to keep hope alive, when everyone else sees that the fire is gone. I ask myself why I cry for him ... why I cry for us? He is not doing it for me. Obviously.

A friend last night said to me, "Your struggle in life has been Sean." God ... do you know how bad that sounds? I have experienced success and happiness with just about everything I've done ... and I have been hurt and moved on with just about everyone else who has ever broke ties with me in my life. But  .... then there is Sean. The one struggle I cannot seem to overcome.

I have come so far ... since my junior year of college, when I nearly took my life - because I was so depressed over this boy. When I was so depressed I became a mere 120 pounds ... anorexic almost. I am not that girl anymore. Yet, I still cannot seem to permanently shake him from my mind and my heart.

The Battle Within

I think I am battling depression again; or I am definitely at a crossroads in my life. A season of change and growth is definitely upon me. I am not sad but I am not as happy as I think I should be. I feel extremely insecure and vulnerable ... and nowadays, I am beginning to wonder if I am lost. I do not know who to turn to. I want to cry out for help ... but I am not sure who would answer. I battle with who my real friends are ... and whether or not they even want to help me through this. I feel so pitiful ... so pathetic. I am embarrassed about my tears and fears. Perhaps, this is why I am afraid to cry out. I do not want to be judged ... I am already judging myself enough as it is. I do not know what I am going to do ... or how I will get through this. But I am scared ... Lord, I am so scared of this place. I do not want to find myself here, this time next year. This place I find myself in is lonely and dark. The sun has to shine again .... right? I need help. And I hope someone sees through my fake smiles and happy charades ... that I am hurting and crying out for help. I have got to get out of this place....

Let Us Never Forget: 9/11

I was an 8th Grader at MLK Middle School in 2nd pd Algebra. I was a 12yr old who was looking forward to getting out of school early b/c of something occurring in NYC. I didnt know much about the world trade centers, let alone why a plane would strike it. But only when I saw the 2nd plane strike and the South tower crumble... did I begin to realize that this was not a time to celebrate an early dismissal. Today as we once again pore over these grave pictures, I ask: What is your snapshot of 9/11? Let us NEVER forget. Thinking of all of those who are no longer with us ... all those innocent souls whose lives were took on that fateful day.