Five years ago on this day - Oct 7, 2006 - I began dating Sean. I had no dreams of the relationship going very far, but I gave it a try. I thought Sean was weird and annoying and kind of funny looking - but I enjoyed talking to him and he really liked me, so I gave it a go. The next thing I knew ... it was November around Thanksgiving time, and he was telling me he loved me and I was saying it back. Then it was December ... and we lost our virginity to one another. Then it was April, and we had been together for six months. Then our 1 year anniversary arrived, and we both cried our eyes out at the thought of God blessing us with one another. Then in February 2008 ... Sean broke my heart. He cheated on me with one of my friends .... and denied it. From that point on, our relationship was cracked and never the same again.
We grew apart. I did not trust him ... and he turned into the stereotypical asshole. Fall of 2008 rolled around ... and I was desperately clinging on to a boyfriend who was heartless and talking to other women behind my back. I allowed Sean to take advantage of me physically, emotionally, mentally .... he would put me down and manipulate me. He would guilt trip me for when I questioned his relationships with other women and so forth. Spring of 2009 ... I attempted to take my life. I was so depressed and so down .... I twiddled down to a mere 125 pounds. I did not eat, I did not sleep ... I just cried my eyes out and drank away the pain. Fall 2009 ... we *officially* broke up. Sean broke up with me through a text message. I was not good enough for a phone call or an explanation. He began dating other girls ... but somehow managed to continuously contact me and keep me hooked. I took the bait ... weak, insecure and hurt .... I took the bait and played along.
Spring 2010 .... I still dreamt of marrying Sean and I was hopeful that we would work out. I mean, he continued to tell me he loved me ... we continued to sleep together on the side ... he continued to hit me up via phone calls, texts, instant messages. I was too caught up in my fantasy ... too insecure and unaware of my self worth ... to realize, he was still playing games. He only made time for me when it was convenient for him. He only contact me when he wanted sex. Again, I allowed it. I thought that I was better off being an option ... than nothing at all.
Absolutely disgusting when you think about it. I was that low and that clueless ... that I deserved the world and so much more. That Sean was taking advantage of me and almost abusing me mentally, physically and emotionally.
This time last year ... I was still making midnight road trips up to him and sleeping with him. I was still holding on to the ideal that we were meant to be and would ultimately work out together. That he actually cared about me and wanted to be with me.
It wasn't until this past September ... when I went to see Sean graduate from boot camp at Parris Island ... and when we returned, and I realized Sean put EVERYONE before me (thus clearly taking me for granted) that I made a decision to let go. To finally let go ... to see things for what they were ... to confess I no longer loved him .... to confess that I loved myself more. To make a commitment with myself to change and to love myself.
Oh gosh ... the first two or three weeks were soo tough. I cried myself to sleep every night. I was depressed and scared for my life. But the neat thing about prayer and time and God ... is one morning I woke up, and the pain was gone. I could see clearly - I know that I had made the right choice and that I was finally free. It took the Parris Island trip to open up my eyes to what I deserve and to give me the closure I needed all along to finally walk away.
5 years ago today, I started a journey that I just knew I would be on for the rest of my life with Sean. But Today is a NEW day, and I am here to say proudly - I know I deserve better and I am 100% over Sean. I still cry sometimes ... I miss who I thought he was and what I thought we had. But I know in my heart, that I am in a better place than I EVER have been. And that one day soon ... I will meet someone who challenges me to be better and who treats me the way I deserve to be treated.
It's amazing what can happen in five years ... and how much time changes things.
"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"
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