Your Struggle in Life

It has been a tough day or two. Not as bad as this time two weeks ago ... but I am going through a rough patch. I am thankful that I see this patch for what it is though. All of a sudden, I feel guilty for feeling how I feel about Sean and I am trying to make excuses for why I miss him and want to be with him. I am continuously thinking about "him" and it does not help when I hear old songs that remind me of him. I had a moment today where I stopped, looked myself in the mirror, and said, "You have got to get yourself together. You deserve better ... you are better ... than this. Do not settle for less. Know your worth ... do not go back down that road."

And it was at that moment, that I was able to call out - you want to crawl back into this pattern that you *know*. The pattern that you're familiar with ... because it's easy. This pattern of running back to him ... having him break my heart and smash it to pieces. This pattern of being the victim ... of sleepless nights, and teary eyes, and despair. I have done this for two ... hell, maybe four in a half LONG years. It is what I know. It is what I *thought* I deserved. It is what I have tolerated. And I am now ready to break free ... but if I were to be perfectly honest, I am scared shitless.

That's the thing about change ... it takes you out of your comfort zone. I feel it ... I see it ... change on the horizon. But I am absolutely, positively scared shitless. So what do I want to do? I want to run back to the one person I know ... the one person who makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Makes sense right? I know ... it's stupid! But it's a cycle I have not broken ... and right now I am on the edge of a breakthrough, and I do not know what to do. I am not frustrated ... but I am terrified.

My biggest fears? That I am not worthy of being loved. That I will never find anyone else who will love me like Sean ... hell, that will love me. That I will never find anyone that I will fall in love with. That I will NEVER get over Sean. That I will NEVER move from this dark, lonely place. That I will end up old and alone.....

I am scared! I am sad. I am angry. I am alone. I am desperate to move past this place.

I ask myself why I allowed Sean to break me so much. God ... if I could go back to my sophomore year of college, and change the chain of events that led me to this place. I ask myself why I care about him so much ... and why I seem to keep hope alive, when everyone else sees that the fire is gone. I ask myself why I cry for him ... why I cry for us? He is not doing it for me. Obviously.

A friend last night said to me, "Your struggle in life has been Sean." God ... do you know how bad that sounds? I have experienced success and happiness with just about everything I've done ... and I have been hurt and moved on with just about everyone else who has ever broke ties with me in my life. But  .... then there is Sean. The one struggle I cannot seem to overcome.

I have come so far ... since my junior year of college, when I nearly took my life - because I was so depressed over this boy. When I was so depressed I became a mere 120 pounds ... anorexic almost. I am not that girl anymore. Yet, I still cannot seem to permanently shake him from my mind and my heart.