It has been two years since Sean and I have officially broken up. It has most likely been three or so years since we were involved in a serious relationship. We have both grown up, grown apart and developed new chapters to our life stories.
I can confidently look back over my four or five years with him, and see how I fell in love, lost myself completely and then found myself all over again. It is truly amazing to be able to be a witness to my own personal struggles, triumphs and progress.
I have teetered tottered on whether or not I should wait around for Sean or move on with my life. I have spent countless nights contemplating what I feel for him and where we stand with one another. I think his being away at boot camp has been the BEST thing to EVER happen to me. It has given me a chance to do so many things and process so many thoughts and feelings.
I recognize that I Sean is my safety zone. My comfort. My familiarity. I could not tell you if I was or was not in love with him anymore. I cannot honestly say that I want to marry him or spend my life with him. I have not the slightest clue if he is in love with me or even wants to begin a life by my side. But the real truth is, I do not feel like asking these questions anymore.
What I do know is I care about Sean and want the best for him. He will always have a place in my heart as my first love … the one who took my breath away for the very first time. No one can ever replace him or the memories we created and shared together.
But today is a new day. I am going to choose a road to go down … I hope that from this point forward, my life is not going to be the same.
Reflection:
Two months ago, I posted the blog entry above. Funny thing is a couple days later, I received a letter in the mail from Sean at boot camp. I felt guilty about what I wrote and I immediately returned to the document and did some editing. For the next two months, I faithfully wrote to Sean at camp and entertained the fantasy that we were going to make it after all ... and that perhaps, I was still madly in love.
I went to his boot camp graduation in Parris Island ... and we have both been back home for a total of nine days now. At some point during the last week and a half, I came to the conclusion that for the LAST time I am done with Sean. The season of fall is upon us, and I want to be in love again. I want to go on a date. I want to be held. I want someone to be proud to post a photo of me on facebook next to their side. I want someone to want to see me during daytime hours ... NOT at 2:00am at night. I want to have a conversation with someone ... a deep and meaningful conversation. A silly and light hearted conversation. I want to conversate! To communicate! I want for someone to take an active and genuine interest in me and what I am doing. I want to take an interest in someone else's life.
My relationship with Sean is so one sided ... I am the ONLY one who is fighting for this idea of "us." Sean has made it quite clear that I am just an option to him ... that he does not respect nor value me. And at this point, I am okay with that. We cannot change people ... people will be people. I only wish he would be forthright with me or stop playing these foolish games. I have NEVER been happier that he is going away! I think I was the most stable in terms of romance/love during the three months that Sean was gone. But more importantly, I just want to love myself enough to let go. I want for God to move in my life and show me happiness that I have never dreamt of.
If there is one thing I have realized, it is that God moves in mysterious ways and everything happens for a reason. I have come a long way over the past two years ... and this recent trip to Parris Island helped bring me a step closer towards the closure I need. The other day I was so down and out ... so consumed with my grief and misery ... and then it was made clear to me, that I am blessed! I have A LOT of good occurring in my life right now that I should be ashamed for sulking over Sean or my misfortune with him. And it also became clear to me ... as I talked with a treasured friend ... that back in April, I was overcome with grief about my new job. I wanted to linger at WMES ... but I stepped out on faith and God led me to RMES. Within six months, I have been blessed tremendously and I am happier than I have been in the teaching field.
THAT ALONE tells me that I can do this! I can be free of Sean and the chains I have allowed him to place on me. It tells me that I CAN love again! I WILL love again! I am so excited right now ... for the plans God has for me. I just pray that I know when the moment is right to step out on faith, and break free from the shackles.
Thank You Lord for all you have done and will continue to do in my life! I serve an AWESOME God.
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