Ac·cept·ance /əkˈseptəns/
the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group.
We all have weaknesses. We all struggle from time to time. However it was not until this morning at 2AM, that I realized what my greatest struggle in life has been. Acceptance. I have spent the past twenty or more years of my life trying to fit in. Doing WHATEVER it takes to be accepted. Attempting to laugh at the right jokes or to say the right things at the right time. Trying to watch all of the latest movies and television shows. Showing up to every event I have been invited to, whether truly interested in attending or not. All to fit [or maybe not fit] in.
I also realized what my greatest character flaw in life might be. Jealousy. I never thought of myself as a jealous person. Generally speaking, me being jealous is SO far from the truth. But as I got to thinking about my need to fit in, I realized what I covet [and frequently] are personalities. I constantly watch others, during group hangouts, at staff meetings, in hallway interactions, and envy their personalities. Amy's laugh. Jordan and Shin'ae's one liners. Alicia's ability to strike up and carry on a conversation with anybody. Kelly's sense of humor. Erica's wittiness.
I want what they have. What they posses. I want to be the center of attention. The funniest girl in the room. The one everyone wants to be around. The one everyone adores. I want to be the first person people think of when they invite people out for an event. I want my words to be the last thing people remember when they depart from my company. I want anyone and everyone to like me. And I want them to like me by the standards that I deem as desirable.
I view myself as too quiet. Not funny enough. Boring. I beat myself up day after day for not speaking up. For not having the last joke. For not being energetic enough or being interesting enough while holding a conversation.
I do not know that these are the thoughts other people have of me. But they are very much the thoughts that I have of me ... and therein lies my weakness. I beat myself up for being [or not being] these things. I tell myself lies - you are not good enough or worthy enough. I go into social settings and start off the life of the party. And I slowly fade to black as I watch the interactions that others have with one another and grow jealous. I watch in envy and wish I possess the same traits. And then I feel like I am not accepted, and I need to change who I am to fit in. To be accepted.
THIS is not okay. This is not healthy. And as of this morning at 2AM, I vowed to make a change. A change in my thinking. A change in my belief system. A change in the thoughts I believe about myself. Because it suddenly became very obvious to me, that I will NEVER be happy if I continue to live like this. I will never feel like I am good enough which will lead to a vicious cycle of discontent.
More importantly, I realized that I am literally spitting in the face of God. He made me in his image. To him, I am perfect. To him, I am a masterpiece. How dare I spit in his face and tell him that his work was done in vain. That it is incomplete. Not good enough. Not accepting myself ... that's the greatest insult I could send HIS way.
And thus, today began my journey towards acceptance. Not other's acceptance of me ... but acceptance of myself. For exactly who I am. Today. Tomorrow. Next Week. For my strengths and for my flaws. For my talents and my shortcomings. I vow to work everyday, for the rest of my life, on loving me. Because if I love myself and accept myself, I will truly be happy.
And if I am able to truly love myself and accept myself, then I will allow others to do the same.
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