frustrated teacher

This year of teaching feels as though it has been my ABSOLUTE worst. I swear since August, if it has not been one thing, it has been another. I keep praying ... hoping ... wishing that the last day of school was upon us. One too many times this year I have questioned whether or not I am supposed to do this job for the rest of my life. I have questioned frequently if I am a good teacher, if I am making a difference and if I am effectively doing my job.

I mean, truthfully, how do you measure that? And why have I felt so darn insecure this year on the job? I cannot comprehend why I do not *feel* like I am making a difference. I am not *sure* what feeling I am supposed to have about the job I am doing. Why do I think these thoughts and feel these feelings? I swear I am anxious for my end of the year evaluation - since August, I have felt like an impostor. Someone who has been pretending to do a job, but who hasn't done a damn thing.

I write these things not so much for sympathy, but because I need to let it all out. I harbour these thoughts deep within from day to day, and I am positively positive that that cannot be good for my heart, body and/or soul. At what point am I going to wake up and feel like I am a talented teacher. That this is my God given gift. That I am actually teaching these children and making them grow. That I have made a long lasting impact on the lives of these kids I work with.

Or at what point will I feel as though I am doing my job the right way? Why am I so timid and fearful of speaking up on the job? Of going against the grain and standing for what I believe in? Why do I question my ability to teach ... my ability to deliver instruction as effectively as the ten and twenty year veteran teachers do? I have been a wimp all year long and I need to shake this state of mind.

I want to enter next year with a different beat to my drum. I aspire to be more organized, more thorough, pay more attention to detail, be more courageous, more bold, more outspoken and most importantly - more confident. My favorite morning show this morning proclaimed, "Guard your heart and keep your heart on God. Commit your cares and works to the lord, and allow him to direct your path." Perhaps the answer to all of my prayers is that I need to start and finish each day with God [in meditation and in prayer.]