frustrated teacher

This year of teaching feels as though it has been my ABSOLUTE worst. I swear since August, if it has not been one thing, it has been another. I keep praying ... hoping ... wishing that the last day of school was upon us. One too many times this year I have questioned whether or not I am supposed to do this job for the rest of my life. I have questioned frequently if I am a good teacher, if I am making a difference and if I am effectively doing my job.

I mean, truthfully, how do you measure that? And why have I felt so darn insecure this year on the job? I cannot comprehend why I do not *feel* like I am making a difference. I am not *sure* what feeling I am supposed to have about the job I am doing. Why do I think these thoughts and feel these feelings? I swear I am anxious for my end of the year evaluation - since August, I have felt like an impostor. Someone who has been pretending to do a job, but who hasn't done a damn thing.

I write these things not so much for sympathy, but because I need to let it all out. I harbour these thoughts deep within from day to day, and I am positively positive that that cannot be good for my heart, body and/or soul. At what point am I going to wake up and feel like I am a talented teacher. That this is my God given gift. That I am actually teaching these children and making them grow. That I have made a long lasting impact on the lives of these kids I work with.

Or at what point will I feel as though I am doing my job the right way? Why am I so timid and fearful of speaking up on the job? Of going against the grain and standing for what I believe in? Why do I question my ability to teach ... my ability to deliver instruction as effectively as the ten and twenty year veteran teachers do? I have been a wimp all year long and I need to shake this state of mind.

I want to enter next year with a different beat to my drum. I aspire to be more organized, more thorough, pay more attention to detail, be more courageous, more bold, more outspoken and most importantly - more confident. My favorite morning show this morning proclaimed, "Guard your heart and keep your heart on God. Commit your cares and works to the lord, and allow him to direct your path." Perhaps the answer to all of my prayers is that I need to start and finish each day with God [in meditation and in prayer.]

old friends

"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends."

I have had a great couple of days spending time with old friends from high school. Each one of us has changed in so many ways, yet we can still come back together as though time stood still. I am truly blessed to have encountered such people during my high school years. I value each one of these individuals and the friendships we share - even if I only see them once a week or once every couple of months.

Natasha, Michael, Jeff, Tai, Carla and Erica ... thank you for being wonderful friends. And more importantly, thank you for a great weekend -- I truly needed it. 

Happy Birthday Kid!

After a girl is grown, her little brothers — now her protectors — seem like big brothers.
~Terri Guillemets

It's crazy to think how quickly time passes and how it was yesterday that my younger brother was on his way home from the hospital as a newborn. It's been such a gift having a younger brother. It's been an even greater blessing growing up in a family, where our parents instilled the importance of family, loving and supporting one another. 

My brother is one of the kindest <even though his honesty is brutal> and funniest people I know. We always know how to have a good time together, whether it's making up dances, telling jokes or just teasing one another. He makes me laugh whenever I see him, and I am so grateful that we have remained close throughout the years.
When I was a little girl, my brother always ran to me first when something was wrong. I mothered and babied him, like any older sister would do. Although we have both grown older, I still feel the bond we shared so many years ago. With that being said, I want to wish my brother the happiest of seventeenth birthdays! I look forward to seeing what God has in store for him in the upcoming years. 

I love you Tony! 

positively positive

Today, I simply want to share two quotes that made my heart smile: 

"No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, never stop believing that you will somehow make it. Have a unrelenting belief that things will work out, that the long road has a purpose, that the things that you desire may not happen today, but they will happen. Persist and persevere, your desired path remains possible."

"But if there’s anything you decide to do, please make your life work what you love to do most. You don’t have a career, you have a life. Live it."

Happy Saturday! 

[D]ating is a Four Letter Word.

Back in January of 2012, I had joined okay stupid dot com <okcupid.com> in hopes of honoring my New Year's Resolution to find new love and move on from my ex. At first the experience of creating my online user profile, choosing the right photographs and the right descriptive words to tell my story seemed so exhilarating! I'd jump in excitement as my phone *binged* with a new potential love interest just waiting to happen. 

For five months, I browsed different profiles in hopes of selecting the right match! Mr. Right needed to be handsome, charming, educated, local ... the list went on and on. As guys filled my inbox with messages, I'd screen for genuine, heart felt questions in efforts to get to know me versus the disgusting, sex-driven, egotistical messages from douche bags with photographs of them with sunglasses on and no shirt.

I went on several dates and met several WACK JOBS! I know that is SUPER harsh, but when you go out on a date with a man named Dexter, who wears timberland boots with high water jeans [and yellow and a black checkered flannel shirt] to American Tap Room, what am I to think?

Or how about BUBBA <a nickname I chose for this gentleman> who posted photographs of an ENTIRELY different being than who he ACTUALLY was in person. I mean online, Bubba was a handsome 6'4, athletic guy. In person, he was maybe 5'7, overweight and had an under bite (think Bubba in Forest Gump).

My last and final date from that stupid website was a gentleman who had absolutely NOTHING to say over dinner. He was quiet the ENTIRE time and would not make eye contact with me. God bless his sweet little heart for paying for dinner - and making the trip down to Bethesda worth some of my while.

It was after that third and final date that I decided, online dating was no longer for me and that I'd resort to being happily single. A few months later in August, I met a new gentleman and went out on a date at Dave and Buster's. Come to think of it, I cannot even remember his name. Regardless, we had a ton of fun that night and then I never heard from him again. Out of all of my encounters, he was the MOST attractive, successful and normal. Yet he disappeared into thin air the day after.

Then in March, I saw a handsome young man's photograph on instagram and befriended him. Then we became face book friends and began to chat. That eventually lead to a sushi and ice skating date. Funny thing is, at some point during the night, this gentleman <literally a handsome, incredibly adorable gentleman> stated that he would be 21 on April 3rd. WHAT! Shut the front door. I nearly choked on a piece of sushi. I was a 24 year old <with her own apartment, car, career, etc.> on a date with a college senior who was not even 21 yet. Do not ask me how this information was never made apparent before our first date. It's a no brainer to realize we never went on a second date. Not because he didn't ask or try to make pans, but because I just felt it wasn't legal to date someone under age like that -- haha!

So until last Sunday, I had maintained a lifestyle of happily single until I noticed several of my friends going on dates. All of a sudden, I thought - why not give this dating business another go!? I mean, what did I have to loose? So I created a POF profile <problem number one> and enjoyed for a 2ND time the thrill of creating a profile and telling my *story* in a nutshell. Within minutes my phone was going off like crazy, with potential suitors and love interests. That is until I looked at their profile and realized: they were too young or too old. Had TERRIBLE teeth <ever thought about why a person NEVER smiles full teeth in their photographs>. Had no college degree or my favorite, never finished high school. Or my other favorite, had several pictures of themselves in sunglasses and with shirts off flexing their muscles.

Luck would have it that one particular profile came across my radar, and I thought, "Hey! This guy is cute!" He had a master's degree and was local. So I figured, what do I have to loose? And sent him a message. Within minutes, he responded ... friendly conversation was exchanged via this app and finally he asked if we could talk on the phone. Again, I figured - what do I have to loose? And we exchanged phone numbers and began to talk. EVERY. NIGHT. FOR. TWO. HOURS. OR. MORE. Intriguing right!? I was giddy and excited. It was *fun* getting to know someone knew and talk on the phone. He sounded so handsome and intelligent <with his southern accent and master's degree holding self>. However, I noticed immediately some interesting things. This guy loved to laugh. Charming, no? But at weird and non humorous things. I am talking, I sounded out my fake laughs to be polite and pretend that whatever he had mumbled was funny. Then there was the constant insinuating that I was rich because I teach in my *rich* county and live in my *rich* town. He would say that I definitely have to have a maid and when we get married, we will live off of my salary. Crazy to believe I just humored this right?

On Wednesday, JB asked me to go to a Wizards game the next week on Monday. Fun? Sure! Until he contacted my Thursday and said the game was ACTUALLY on Friday. I said I had other plans but still had Monday open. He said let's go to dinner and meet at the town square <where you can dine at La Tasca, American Tap Room, Gordon Biersch, etc.> Then he had a brilliant idea to go to {drum roll please} the Silver Diner. O_O Imagine my confusion as I first - questioned what is that/where is that AND why he would choose this location over somewhere tasty like Gordon Biersch. JB maintained that it was DELICIOUS and such a fun place to eat. OKAY...

So we met up Monday night. I happened to enter the Silver Diner at the same time that four little children of the same complexion as me entered. JB <looking bewildered> asked if they were my kids, or else it would be a deal breaker. I reassured him that A) I have no kids and B) if I did, I would not bring them along for a first date. DUH! We sat for three hours discussing lord only knows what ... all that I remember is forcing laughs and trying to look lively and attentive [when really I wanted to go home and sleep after a long day with my students]. At some point during the night, JB talked about women he has dated in the past and their unkempt appearances. He made it a point to say he dabbles in the political world and expects his significant other to have her hair and nails done. Mind you, my hair and my nails were NOT done very nicely ... and I suddenly wanted to put a bag over my head and cut off my hands hahaha.

To be romantic <I suppose> JB offered to order a dessert that could be shared by us both, and eventually moved over to my side of the booth to eat it. His line for this transition was, "It will be easier if I eat this brownie decadence over here on this side." He then proceeded to try to eat off of my spoon - whaat - and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. It apparently wooed our audiences, as old moth ball smelling grandpas and grandmas came to our table and commented on how adorable we were as a couple. AWKWARD. So we eventually got up to leave and he walked me to my car so I didn't get abducted. Mind you, my car was less than 500 ft from the building. We exchanged an awkward hug goodbye and went out separate ways. Oh! He also starred at me throughout the entire dinner. I am talking he didn't blink and was piercing my soul in a creepy, non-romantic way. He also made sure to throw in there, "I really have to get you to meet my mom! You're a keeper!" and a "How about you order my food and I just watch ... because you are so articulate."

In the trance of the evening, I thought this was all normal so to speak. However after careful reflection - and retelling this story to girlfriends over cans of cream soda - I realized, I am SO NOT INTO THIS GUY! He called Tuesday night and I ignored his call. Then tonight he gave me a ring ... I answered ... and I suppose he picked up on my vibes because he said he just wanted to hear my voice and would let me get back to ordering tires for my car [an entirely different story]. So my dilemma is now this: we had planned a hiking date for this weekend and in all honestly, I am really not that crazy about entertaining this. I swore on Wednesday to my girlfriends that I would give this guy one more chance. Yet, the more I think about that date, the more I am turned off and annoyed with this whole situation. So now comes the fun ... I get to be the heart breaker again haha. I HATE having to make that text or phone call when you say, "Sorry! But I am just not that into you." or "It's not you, it's me."

Even more, I think I officially hate dating. It is so much work nowadays. I feel like meeting the love of your life does not happen organically anymore. What ever happened to meeting love interests through your friends, coworkers, family members, etc? I feel like that seldom happens anymore. But I am going to hope that one day, dating becomes more fun AND that it will eventually make sense to me why nothing ever worked out with anyone else.

"God bless the broken road that leads me straight to [you]." - R.F.

life is what you make it

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” ― Marilyn Monroe

I've been in a rut the past couple of weeks. You know ... one of those, help I've fallen and I cannot get up stages of your life. I feel like I am just going through the motions day to day. Following the same old boring routines. In fact, my life feels exactly like that lately: capital B O R I N G. When I participate in conversation with others I feel: boring. forty-nine percent of the time, I feel like I have no idea what direction I am headed in, what company I keep, or what it is that I really want out of this thing called life. What I do know is that I am clearly changing and so are the people around me. It's kind of scary to be honest. I literally can feel <and see> the shift in relationships, personalities, dreams, goals and lives around me. And there really is nothing I can do about it <or at least the changes I am not particularly crazy about.>

Yet I came across the quote above. Marilyn Monroe must have been something. Such a free spirit. A woman with a mind of her own. Anyhow, her words struck me as something beautiful and reassuring.

So I am going to do my best to shake off this funk I seem to have fallen into lately and remember: "Life is what you make it. Keep your head high, your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling because life is a beautiful thing and there is so much to smile about."

Oh yeah, and here's to the four remaining months until my twenty-fifth birthday! Did you notice the title of my blog changed slightly? I have no clue what I will do when I am actually 25 and need to come up with an entirely different name for this little baby! 

Who Am I?

1. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? I was born in Maryland.

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE? My middle name is Marie and it's a tradition in my family to give the middle name *Marie* to the first born female. My maternal grandmother's middle name is Marie ... So I'd like to think I am named after her :o)

3. IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?

I currently case manage and teach fourteen second graders with disabilities ... do they count?

4. HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?

Zero. I wish I had a puppy named Tunechi or Yolo though.

5. YOUR WORST INJURY?

I broke my thumb on a seesaw once. It was a lesson learned the hard way because my girl scout troop leader told me and my fellow troop mates NOT to play on the seesaw at midnight. Then in college I broke my pinky playing rugby. After my mother yelled at me and told me I was sent to college to get an education and not break my bones, I quit rugby and worked on healing that pinky.

6. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

My sister likes to tell me that I am really good at “embellishing stories.” My mother tells me I am a great writer. But I couldn’t tell you what I think … because no special talent comes to mind.

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO BAKE?

Anything chocolate ... but brownies have to be my favorite!

8. FAVORITE FAST FOOD?

Chicfila.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

I will do anything once...

10. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Hmmm.... their energy, eyes and/or smile.

11. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

While watching Chicago Fire and the Fire Fighters did a salute to the little boy who died in a trash chute. I am a sap … I’ll cry at just about anything on television. However, in real life … I do not even know. It has been a while and I am grateful for that.

12. ANY CURRENT WORRIES?
Upcoming IEP meetings, observations, responsibilities at school, financial responsibilities and obligations.

13. NAME 3 DRINKS YOU DRINK REGULARLY. Water, coffee, wine.

14. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK? Hunger Games is a recent favorite.

15. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A PIRATE? Not particularly.... but I curse like one at times ;)

16. FAVORITE SMELLS?
men's cologne (not the cheap kind), gasoline, wet paint (terrible I know), smell of autumn and spring, beach, sand, sea water

17. WHY DO YOU BLOG?

It started as a private outlet to work through my thoughts, feelings and emotions after breaking up with my first love. Recently, it evolved into an outlet to connect with bloggers all over the country and to share little tidbits of my crazy journey towards a quarter life crisis. It is also a great way to look back on where I was in life, and how far I have come. 

18. WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Never gave that any thought before ... definitely a gospel song that I grew up in the church with.

19. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
too quiet at times, over think everything, doubt my abilities, perfectionist ...

20. FAVORITE HOBBY?

blogging, exercising, taking photographs, being outdoors

21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND?

loyalty, honesty, kind heart, sense of humor, they encourage me to grow/be a better individual

22. NAME SOMETHING YOU'VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D DO.

live on my own at age 24

23. FAVORITE FU N THINGS TO DO?

shop, relax at the beach, bar hop, dance, laugh, eat at new places, sight see

25. WHAT'S THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH?

My mother … her sense of humor is unparalled. We probably should not have been laughing <at the thing at which we were laughing at> but it was funny and I chuckled even harder knowing that she found it funny as well. This tells you NOTHING I know … but I giggle at almost everything. I love to laugh – laughing is my favorite.

24. ANY PET PEEVES?

Bullies, Being two-faced, Pushiness, Liars