Autumn Romances

"I keep him tucked away in the far corners of my heart. He was my first love, and you never truly forget your first. I thank God everyday for making him a part of my life. But I thank God twice a day for setting me free of him."

So ... I should be finishing up my paper that is due tomorrow for grad class. However, I cannot help but let my mind drift off to thoughts about love, dating and relationships. I recently began dating this new guy - and I am pretty sure that this relationship will go nowhere. The guy seemed really into me at first - and I was into him - but after two weeks of going on dates, it seems that communication has stopped flowing and that we are even more strangers than we were in the beginning. Figures - how embarrassing. I have spent countless evenings [losing sleep] over analyzing this whole situation. And after at least a week of these sleepless nights, tear stained pillows and talking myself crazy ... I got NOTHING. 

I cannot decide if I did something wrong. I cannot decide if I am just not ready to date again. I cannot decide if I said something wrong ... or if I am too young ... or if I am not interesting enough ... or if he's just really [and never was really] that into me ... or WHAT. I've read countless blog articles and glamour magazine articles the past few evenings about "Signs he is into you" and "Signs he is just not that into you." I have watched the move He's Just Not That Into You. I have belted my heart out to countless sad songs (the same ones I used to listen to when my ex and I broke up). And I have sat for hours replaying and replaying events. Analyzing and over analyzing everything. Still ... I got NOTHING.

Want to know what's worse than all of the above? I am suddenly feeling an urge to get my palm read or to visit a psychic. I never in a million years have ever wanted to do this - but I am feeling desperate. I want to know ... I am DYING to know ... will I ever fall in love again? Will I ever find someone to settle down with? And if so [before I decide to go purchase 5,000 kittens] how long until I meet the one? 

I've come to realize several things about myself:

• I am impatient
• I need to be touched 
• I need to be complimented
• I need to be the center of attention (I hate admitting this one]
• I need to be honest and direct
• I like to talk ... talk about my feelings ... talk about your feelings...
• I like to see where things are going ... and have no surprises or curve balls
• I need to be somewhat in control
• I am TRULY a LEO (zodiac sign)

These are all TERRIBLE characteristics ... but I've realized that about myself through dating this guy, and to some degree - maybe some of these things are nonnegotiable. 

Even more true ... I've realized that my relationship with my EX (or my first true love) has truly created some scars, wounds and insecurities deep within me. I have not really dated past a first date and I have not gone out of my way to date guys too much within the past three or four years since Sean and I split. This new dating experience - and my realization that I really liked this guy - brought up all these wounds, scars and memories that I had developed scabs over or had pushed into the dusty spots of my memory. *Falling* for someone and making myself vulnerable/putting myself out there reopened all of these feelings and fears that I have worked SO hard to suppress and forget over the last couple of years.

So the question becomes - what now? I obviously have a lot of things to work on. But also, at what point do I recognize that when I meet the perfect man - it should not have to be this much work? Or maybe, I should not have these overwhelming feelings of insecurity and fear. I am so mad at myself for letting my emotions get caught up in this new guy - for letting him in and for letting myself fall apart. But at the same time, I am also proud of myself for getting back out there and realizing both my good attributes and shortcomings. What an experience the month of September gave me :o) What a life lesson! 

So as I ponder all of these thoughts - and tell myself repeatedly: "This new guy will not call me again. This relationship IS over. Move on ..." I also take a moment to recall my first love. Our *anniversary* was October 7th ... and what a chapter of my life that boy was. I miss his friendship dearly ... but I send love and light to him halfway across the world ... I truly hope he is doing well :o) He will be forever tucked away in the corners of my heart ... for it was with him that I first learned what it felt like to be in love and when I learned what it feels like to have your heart completely and utterly broken. I am so glad he was my first - but I am so glad that I am free of him [and that I am slowly but surely getting back out there and trying to meet new people]. 

Maybe one day I will find my true love ... Maybe one day I will learn to let go of these fears.