love and light always

I received word that you are moving home. I knew this decision would come. You had been vocal about wanting to move home for quite some time to be closer to your aging parents. But to hear that it is actually taking place is bitter sweet.

In many ways I am happy for you and I know that you need this change. In other ways I remorse because this move is confirmation that our season together is no more.

I dream about you often Michael. What we would say if we crossed paths again. And I wonder ... will we cross paths once more before you embark on the journey home. 

I miss you. 

I am not sure that we will interact again. And if we do - I am not sure how I will behave. But I am sending you love and light always.

Dear Michael...

Dear Michael,

It has been a little less than four months since we went our separate ways. It is funny how it feels like forever. With this passing of time, a void has developed in my life that I have been unable to fill.

I write because I miss you. On some days, I miss you so much that my heart literally aches from the inside out. Let me be clear - I do not miss you in a boyfriend kind of way. I realize, only now, that you really sucked in that department.

But I do miss you as a friend. You were my BEST friend. The one person I always counted on to tell me the truth. To give me sound advice when I needed it the most. To listen to my pointless stories and dramas, only to be the voice of reason. To make me giggle uncontrollably with your uncanny sense of humor. To expose me to some new line of thinking that I had not previously considered or been made privy of.

I understand - I think - why you had to go. Why you let me walk away without so much of a word or an explanation. Why when I took a stand, you literally went ghost - never to be heard from again.

I guess when I say I understand, I mean … I realize now that the road we had traveled together eventually diverged. It was written in the stars. It was inevitable.

But I still mourn your loss. Every. Single. Day. I wish I could forget you and what you meant to me. But then to do that would be to deny a part of myself that came alive. To deny a part of who I am presently today.

It is never easy to lose a friend. Especially when it is someone you adore. Idolize. Respect. Admire. Love. I forgive you for the hurt you caused me (particularly in the end when you let me go without a fight or so much as an explanation). I want nothing but the very best for you. You will always be a very special person to me. And I will carry your memory in my heart always.

I do not think I am ready now to cross paths with you again. My wounds are still too raw. But a part of me truly hopes that in the future, perhaps our paths will cross again. And that I will be able to look you in the eye and smile … and mean it.

I SO hope that you are doing awesome. That you are happy and surrounded by people that love you and make you feel alive. I hope that Sadie continues to be the BEST company around, and that you feel content with where you are at in life. And I hope at some point in time you fall in love with yourself … and all that you have to offer someone … anyone … this earth. Because you my friend are pretty incredible, I just do not think you ever realized it.

And this is totally selfish of me, but sometimes I wish upon a shooting star that maybe every once in a while... you think of me too. That maybe somewhere in that closed off heart of yours,  you will hold my memory dear too. That you look back on our memories together fondly … and that ... you ... too … are wishing that I am doing alright wherever I am too.

3 Months.

It has been three months. In some ways, three months have gone by SO fast. In other ways, these have been the longest three months of my life. 

This morning as I drove to work, I cried out to God declaring that I had forgiven Michael. That I was forgiving him for the hurt he caused me, for the pain. For not being able to love me the way I wanted ... and needed to be loved. For not fighting for me when I walked away. For not always treating me the way I deserved with his words or actions. 

This came shortly after reading an "On This Day" facebook post from today, one year ago:

Thanks Living on a Wednesday:

This being thankful stuff is wonderful. Even on days that aren't so bright ... it really makes you stop and think about all of the good things going on in your life. It also makes me feel happier. More content.

Slept in until 9AM today with my guy. Spring weather awaited outside. We went to lunch together - at the Golden Corral. Delicious. Walked over to the Mall ... and browsed through some stores.

He took me home to get my car. His Vday gift was waiting on the porch ... and I could not help but give it to him early. I was SO excited about it. He loved it. Mission accomplished.

He made me the most delicious ribeye steak for dinner with mac N cheese, green beans and apple sauce. IPA on the side and ice cream with all the fixings for dessert.

It's been a good day with him by my side. I enjoy his company. His sweet, sincere personality. His sense of humor. His beautiful eyes. His laugh and smile. I hope I never take him for granted ... he is a treasure and some days I am not so sure that I am worthy of him.

Thank you lord for blessing my life with him. I really cannot imagine my world without him in it.

Back to school tomorrow. Here goes nothing!

This post that I had carefully crafted a year ago, reminded me that what I experienced with Mike was in fact real. I have beaten myself up lately wondering if my time with him was real or make believe. If it was a figment of my imagination that he was loving and kind ... or if he had in fact been those things at one point in time. This post confirmed my doubt and confusion. At one time, what we had was real. 

I realized on my car ride to work though, that I have to forgive him. I need to let go. My fervent prayer and tears were a release this AM. I literally felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. I am not too foolish to proclaim that this will be the last time I am sad, or that I cry over this man. But I do believe that God heard my prayer. That he and I both recognize that I have forgiven Mike. 

I also asked God to speak to me. Funny what you pray for ... I stumbled across this elephant journal entry this evening ...

Your contract was complete. A wise healer once explained to me that every interaction we have with others—friends, family, lovers, our children—involves a contract made on the soul level. Our souls agree to help one another out with some aspect of our earthly existence. Some of the contracts last a lifetime, while others are only good for a short period of time.

The length of the contract depends on the experience we need the other person to help us through. And, every interaction, no matter how terrible it may seem in the material realm, helps evolve our spirits. I know, sometimes it doesn’t seem like it, but this belief requires faith. When people are no longer in our lives, it means the contract has been fulfilled. We must thank the other person in our hearts, wish them well even if we feel pain, and let them go

 What a message. What peace I feel. The contract has been fulfilled. The day we broke up, I told myself that God said job well done. I had done everything in my power to nourish that relationship. When I walked away, it was because there was nothing else I could do. I was drained and needed to part ways. But I have no doubt that I gave that relationship my all. And that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had.

The message I read this evening reminds me of this. It also makes me feel as though God has acknowledged my prayer, my cries and that season of my life. My soul contract with Mike was fulfilled. It is complete. This contract unfortunately did not last a lifetime. But gosh I am grateful that it lasted at all. 

My season of life with Mike, overall, was a good one. I grew so much as a person. Hell ... I grew up during my time with him. When I met him, I was a 25 year old girl dancing on tables wasted, and throwing up in people's cars hahaa. I changed when I met him. I left behind many of my old, foolish ways and behaviors. The next couple of days/weeks, I will ponder what lessons did I learn from this season of life? I think recongnizing and understanding those lessons will be key to continued advancement in life (and to continued healing).

Taken from another elephant journal article..

What I didn’t know was that the experiences that were deeply painful and difficult were exactly what my soul had requested before coming here so I could learn and grow.

Damn soul, always taking the bumpy route to enlightenment.
Our souls know when we come here what our life purpose is, and they plant lots and lots of people, experiences and lessons in our path to get us there. Those people and experiences are always leading us to our higher self, but there are tons of lessons we need to learn in order to reach that final destination of spiritual enlightenment. 

This is where our soul contracts with other people come into play. 

We make them before we come here and those people are incredibly important to our soul’s growth, no matter how brief our encounters with them may be. They present opportunities that push us further towards where we are meant to go. 

Without them, we may not have made it there. 

The bottom line? What he doesn’t realize is that through our brief encounter with each other, he helped advance my soul in many ways. What I saw as his “rejection” of me revealed to me how I continue to go into my story of not being enough when a man decides he doesn’t want to stay. 

I am more than enough. And his decision to not pursue anything deeper with me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and where he is at in his own journey.

Thank you Lord for the past three months. I am not sure I want to go through them again, haha. But I am grateful for the lessons learn, my character strengthened and the fact that this broken road has led me back to you. I look forward to seeing where I am in the next three months. I plan to buckle up ... no doubt it has the potential to be a bumpy ride!

Happy New Year

In a nutshell, the year 2017 taught me that we cannot keep that which is meant to end. Life is literally a series of endings and beginnings. Each ending is necessary for a new beginning to occur. It is far easier to dance with these changes, then to cling to them.

2017 was full of some of the happiest moments of my life. Being so in love with a guy. Falling asleep nestled in his arms many nights. Spending time with loved ones. Smiling so big and laughing so much my cheeks felt like they could fall off. Traveling to new places and trying new brews and foods. I specifically will never forget my adventures to the Shenandoah Valley, Niagara Falls, Toronto, Cincinnati, Kingston, NY and Augusta, GA. Or my favorite pup named Sadie Moo. I miss that sweet girl.

2017 was also full of some of the lowest moments of my life. I ate too much food and drank too much beer. I weighed in at my heaviest - a whopping 275 pounds. Around the end of June and beginning of July, I lost myself in a relationship that was destined for nowhere. I cried myself to sleep many nights … that is if I could actually fall asleep. I allowed myself to be emotionally abused. I cowered down and compromised and held my tongue to the point that I had lost a sense of who I was and what I could actually offer to someone else.

As 2017 closes out, I sit in the dining room of my parent’s home as a single lady. 10 pounds lighter and working towards finding herself again. I am still broken on the inside. I miss my best friend and the times we shared together. But on the outside, I am growing stronger every day and finding new meaning in my day to day adventures. In the past four months, I have mustered the courage to go on with the support of some fierce ladies.

My wish for 2018 is that I aim to put God first in all that I do. To work on my walk with Jesus. To put my trust in him, and to allow him to fill me up in all the broken places to that one day I may be whole again. We cannot keep that which is meant to end. But I also know that all things work together for good, for those that love HIM. So here is to 2018 … may I serve HIM and walk in purpose. And maybe… just maybe… see some of the desires of my heart manifest in ways I could have ever imagined.

2017 ended on a tough note. But I am grateful for the season. I am grateful for the lessons. And I am hopeful for what is to come. Happy New Year!

Up From Here - New Beginnings (Manifest)

A new moon cycle begins this evening && I cannot help but wonder what new beginnings this new cycle will bring about.

New beginnings that I hope manifest in 2018:

• Buy my first home
  
• Buy a dog (Tucker)
  
• Successfully complete the king crab challenge (2 half marathons and a 10 miler race)
  
• Pay off credit card
  
• Build my savings

If I accomplish these three things, my bucket list for the upcoming year will be complete. I look forward to continuing to move forward. To learn more about who I am. To fall more in love with both my self and Christ, my savior. To develop better spending and saving habits. To live life more fully - doing things that bring me joy and happiness.

I pray that 2018 is a good year. I mean after what I have been through this past year, things can only go up from here :o)

Seasons

I went to yet another spiritual adviser yesterday. I know. I know. It has gotten a little out of hand at this point. She did a tarot card reading for me.

Immediately, she commented that she saw two guys in my love life. One obviously is Mike. I assume the other is Toyin Fadiran (who seems to be relentless and pursuing my attention and/or conversation with me at this moment). She questioned how long ago I had broken up with one of them. I said last October. Then she then stated matter of factually, "The relationship ended how it was supposed to." She commented that she sees that Mike will reenter my life again in the future, but the relationship needed to end because we were unable to communicate the way that we needed to. She also shared that he will mature during this time and be okay/successful. She said when he reenters my life, he will most likely be a friend - nothing romantic. She also stated that he will express how he truly felt at that time.

Funny that I had been contemplating and questioning those vary things earlier in the day. As tears rolled down my cheek and I commented on how that makes me sad, she also said that it is possible that we can have a relationship again in the future. Time will tell if I want to let him back in. She also commented that this new guy has the potential to become a relationship. Which - side note - I do not want to entertain at this time. I truly feel that I need some time to myself before entering a new relationship.

Anyhow I thought the reading was interesting, and if I did not know any better, I would say God was speaking directly to me. So this morning I cried out for God to help me let go. Let go of what could be. What I wanted to be. What I dream of being. I need to fully release Michael. The season has ended. And like the saying goes, seasons change. I truly am grateful for the time I spent in his company. I will miss him - like I often miss the scent of fall in the air or the coolness of the autumn breeze. I will never forget that season of life, and I wish nothing but the best for him. I hope that he finds happiness and that life treats him well. It was an honor to have spent time in his company, even if that time was short.

I am not looking for a new relationship, other than one with myself. And I hope in due time I learn how to love ME again. How to live life to the fullest. And that I am able to accomplish all that I set out to do. The season of spring means new growth... and I suppose it is almost upon me.

Suadade.

I woke up this morning with the weirdest feeling in my heart.

As I drove to work, I racked my brain trying to come up with the right word to describe the emotion. Was it nostalgia? No that was not it. Euphoria? Nope not the right word either. Was it deja vu? Nope that did not even begin to hit the nail on the head.

I kept searching in the darkest corners of my brain for a word I knew I had stumbled upon once, but could not remember, to describe the emotions that had overcome me this morning.

Fast forward some Kirk Franklin gospel tunes on repeat, tear stained checks, and a day of teaching, I have recalled the word. And boy does it explain what I feel in a nutshell.

Suadade. It is suadade that I have felt today.

Saudade is used to explain the feeling of missing something or someone. It is a form of homesickness. Of Portuguese origin, in a whole bunch of clumsy English words, saudade means “the love that remains” after someone is gone. It’s the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being. It describes a deep nostalgic longing.

But it goes deeper – implicit in the emotion is the fact it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing will never return. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone or something that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence.

Suadade.

I think the best thing I did in 2017 was leave my relationship with Michael. No doubt the toughest thing I did this year. But in the long run, I think it was a decision that needed to happen. I am already happier, healthier and more at peace. I have no regrets walking away from that chapter of my life.

Yet, in it's closure and absence ... here I am ... feeling suadade. I miss him. I miss the times we shared together. I carry him with me each and everyday. I do not want him back in my life. Nor do I think he will ever try to re-enter it. But funny that I sit here overcome with such emotion. Empty in someways. Homesick in others. Recalling all of our happy and fondest times together. Reminiscing on the love that was ... and maybe the love the remains in his absence.

Saudade: It brings sad and happy feelings all at once; sadness from missing something loved and happiness for having experienced the love. If it means anything at all, I am happy for having loved Michael (even if I was never loved in return).