Suadade.

I woke up this morning with the weirdest feeling in my heart.

As I drove to work, I racked my brain trying to come up with the right word to describe the emotion. Was it nostalgia? No that was not it. Euphoria? Nope not the right word either. Was it deja vu? Nope that did not even begin to hit the nail on the head.

I kept searching in the darkest corners of my brain for a word I knew I had stumbled upon once, but could not remember, to describe the emotions that had overcome me this morning.

Fast forward some Kirk Franklin gospel tunes on repeat, tear stained checks, and a day of teaching, I have recalled the word. And boy does it explain what I feel in a nutshell.

Suadade. It is suadade that I have felt today.

Saudade is used to explain the feeling of missing something or someone. It is a form of homesickness. Of Portuguese origin, in a whole bunch of clumsy English words, saudade means “the love that remains” after someone is gone. It’s the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being. It describes a deep nostalgic longing.

But it goes deeper – implicit in the emotion is the fact it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing will never return. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone or something that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence.

Suadade.

I think the best thing I did in 2017 was leave my relationship with Michael. No doubt the toughest thing I did this year. But in the long run, I think it was a decision that needed to happen. I am already happier, healthier and more at peace. I have no regrets walking away from that chapter of my life.

Yet, in it's closure and absence ... here I am ... feeling suadade. I miss him. I miss the times we shared together. I carry him with me each and everyday. I do not want him back in my life. Nor do I think he will ever try to re-enter it. But funny that I sit here overcome with such emotion. Empty in someways. Homesick in others. Recalling all of our happy and fondest times together. Reminiscing on the love that was ... and maybe the love the remains in his absence.

Saudade: It brings sad and happy feelings all at once; sadness from missing something loved and happiness for having experienced the love. If it means anything at all, I am happy for having loved Michael (even if I was never loved in return).