reflection

Today I have been reflective. Introspective. Sad. I have cried a few times. I miss him. But then I wonder is it him I miss - or the idea of him? To be determined in the upcoming weeks I am sure. For the most part I am doing okay. Evenings have gotten easier. Tears fall less often. I have developed a new rhythm for my life. 

But then out of nowhere ... BAM! I will be suddenly hit with saddness. A memory of him. An unanswered question. A song that speaks to my soul. And all of the emotions I have gotten over - or so I thought - come flooding back to me. It is one hell of a roller coaster ride.

I may never understand why things fell apart so quickly that fateful October evening. I may never understand why he could not muster up the truth. How do you go from being comfortable with someone to being absolute strangers. It still blows my mind.

I guess one chapter ended. Now it is time to write a new one. Time will tell what new beginnings await in this new one...

Pieces of the Puzzle

Sundays are the hardest. At this point, I am not really sure why. It has been almost two months since we broke up. That is five or six Sundays that I have spent on my own. They do not seem to get easier though.

I have been feeling sad today. I went to lunch with my cousins. The majority of the conversation was about their significant others. I had nothing to contribute to the conversation, because I have no significant other. The chatter made me reflect on the person I loved. The person I shared my life with. The stories I used to tell about him. I am not jealous. I am okay with their significant others joining, or with them sharing details about their relationships. It is still hard though. 

Driving home from Silver Spring, I sobbed. I thought of how years past, this was the day that Mike would travel home from New York. He would call me around 6 or 7AM in the morning to let me know he was leaving out. Typically, he would return to the area by 1 or 2PM. I would wait anxiously ... excited to reunite with my guy. To see him. To smell him. To be in his presence again.

Call it foolish. But today I kept looking at my phone. Half hoping it would ring and be a call from him, telling me that he had made it home safely. The call never came. I saw a photograph on facebook of him and the other Mikes. They were gearing up to attend a concert in Baltimore tonight. Seeing those old familiar faces, in that old familiar space (the Mets themed basement) choked me up. No longer will I be a part of that circle. No longer will I spend my evenings in that space.

Fantasizing about a time no more, I thought to myself ... had we still been together ... I would be down in that basement right now with Sadie curled up next to me. I would be watching TV eagerly awaiting Michaelś return to the house. I would maybe even fall asleep, only to be woken by him ... calling me to come upstairs to bed. Those were the days.

I am still so unbelievably confused. In all fairness ... he told me from the beginning that he needed counseling. That he had difficulty with emotions and feelings. That he could not give me what I needed. I ignored and overlooked those statements. I glanced the other way when his actions and/or behaviors suggested such as well. I take full responsibility in that. I made a choice. And that choice ended up burning me in the tooosh. But if even for one moment in time, what we had felt real. It had to have been. 

I can recall kisses ... that electrified my soul. Hugs that made me feel alive. I remember gazing into his eyes and feeling a spark deep within my inner being. I know he had to have felt that too. So how and when did our relationship run itś course? Is it because the fire really died out? Or is it because he emotionally checked out in effort to guard his heart? And why didn´t I leave the countless times he showed himself to be emotionally unavailable? So many times he showed those cards. And I convinced myself that I was different. That this time it would be different.

Whenever the fire died for him, whenever he checked out ... why didn´t he say so? How long was he going to wait or go without saying something? Without telling me the truth? That had to have been challenging and/or painful for him... to play a role in a play he had no desire to be a male lead in.

I just sit here stupified. Dumbfounded. Hurt. 

I do not want him back. I do not think I could do that ... whatever that was again. Knowing what I know now ... I cant. I wont. I want that door to stay shut now that I have escaped it. I go the closure I longed for. The closure I needed.

But what continues to haunt me at night is the fact that I never mattered. I meant nothing to him. That he lied. I feel so abused. So taken advantage of. So confused. I thought he was my friend. I thought I could trust him. He let me down. He proved me wrong. That saddens me the most. The fact that yet again, I was not worth someone´s love. That someone did not recognize my worth ... when I recognized theirs. That I was not worth the truth, or the fight. That I was not worth it. 

I will never understand that. I hope with time I can move past it. Forget it. This season of singleness - albeit lonliness - is tough. I have cried more than I have liked. My heart has heaved more than I can keep count. The pieces of the puzzle are scattered and broken. And I do not think it will be possible to put the pieces back together again. So I will leave them scattered on the floor. All that I can do now is sweep them up and throw them out. I guess they were never worth anything anyway.

New Beginnings

So Sean McKenzie is a father to a little boy named Jameson. His pictures radiate happiness, love and joy. Pretty cool that he found his happily ever after, and that they have started a family together.

Today I moved out the last of my things from Michael Terwilliger´s house. I got choked up a couple of times. Stood in the kitchen for a good 5 minutes taking in the scenery. I think I did the same thing too in the bedroom and outside of the house. 

It is amazing how my life has played out so far.

11 years ago, I just knew I was going to marry Sean. He was going to be my one and only. He was the love of my life. At that time, little did I know that that dream would unravel and the book of life would write a different ending. 

4 years ago, I bumped into Mike at a barbeque. There was an instant connection. As time passed, I hoped that he would be the one I would marry. He fulfilled several of the boxes on my checklist. Little did I know that by November 2017, we would no longer be together. Little did I know that the life I hoped to build with him would end up being a glass house only to come shattering down to the ground.

It is amazing how life plays out. I am happy for Sean - I think it is pretty cool that he has entered a new chapter of his life. I am sad for Mike and I ... I wonder these days if I would have been better off never meeting him. If our barbeque interaction had stayed only that ... an interaction ... how much happier would I be today? Maybe I would have been with my happily ever after by now.

I am not really sure what to think about the chapter of Mike. I am so angry. I am so sad. I am so confused. Many days I wake up and think - that entire chapter was a lie. At least (for a period of time), I knew that Sean loved me. I am not really sure what Mike thought of me. I know he never loved me. I am not so sure why he kept me around as long as he did. 

The biggest lesson I have learned from the past month of grieving is ... I knew from day one that it was never going to work out with Mike. The possibility of forever never existed. I wanted it to. I thought I could change him. I thought I could be the one. If he were given time and all of my love, that maybe he would change for me. I was foolish and nieve. I should have left him and the relationship alone. All of the signs were there. And yet I foolishly continued on loving him and trying to build a life together. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I have failed. Not only in this relationship, but I have failed myself because I knew better.

At this point in time, I do not care to ever speak to him ever again. I wish him all of the best - but I desire no contact. Our friendship died along with our relationship. There is nothing left there. I have nothing left to say. We have nothing left in common, except for the faint and fading memories of yesterday. As I often do for every other trauma in my life, I hope to black out this period of my life as a coping mechanism to move forward and let go. If I forget him and that period of life ... then I can move forward and pursue new beginnings without baggage.

I often wonder what he is thinking or feeling. Does he miss me/our relationship? Did he think it was real? Did he ever value me or the relationship? Does he have any regrets? Will he remember me long after this period of time passes?

I will never have the answers to those questions. Probably for the better. I am convinced that he is not capable of feeling anything because he is and was always emotionally unavailable. I will soon be replaced with another dumb woman or another Anderson of sorts. That is fine. I will replace him too. Just you wait and see ... itś only a matter of time. 

I am hurt so I spit out hate and spitefulness. His feelings mean nothing to me. I could care less. 

Here is to new beginnings. And not staring at closed doors. Fuck those four years of my life. Those four stupid years of my life. I wish I could erase them. I wish I could erase Michael Terwilliger from my thoughts and my memories. You are dead to me. 

Heavy Realization

This morning I woke up with a heavy realization settling in.

He is not coming back. Our relationship IS over.

We are taught that guys go after what they want. They will call if they are interested. They will reach out if they are interested. They will make the effort, if they are interested. If they are not doing any of the aforementioned things, then they are not into you.

I think it is time that I swallow that pill. He is not that into me. It is unfortunate that our relationship fell apart so unexpectedly. But his actions do not lie. He did not come after me. He did not try to reach out. He was done and that was his escape. The sooner I stop romanticizing and dreaming of a different ending, perhaps the sooner I can move on and find someone who WILL make the effort.

It is unfortunate that this story ends this way. In time - perhaps I will truly pick up the pieces and move on. I long for that day. I no longer want to be prisoner to my heart and my romanticized dreams.

I will never understand why things fall into place or fall apart the way that they do. But for today, I guess I am done trying to understand too.

Singing off.

Home Sick

I am finally in a much better place mentally, spiritually and in my soul.

I miss Michael Joseph with every inch of my soul. There is not a day or a minute that passes by without me thinking of him. I see him in my thoughts, I hear him in the song lyrics, I see him in the shadows ... his memory is everywhere with me. 

This week I no longer feel hatred towards him. I do, however, feel homesick. He is home. He was home. He was the place I always wanted to be. My heart longs to return home.

I send him love and light every time I get the chance. I pray for him more than I do myself. I want nothing but the best for him in life. He deserves that. Happiness. Safety. Security. Peace of mind. Productivity. Fun. Good Company. The list could go on and on.

I give nothing but praise and thanksgiving for my time with him. It was truly remarkable. Our time together was special. It is a chapter of my life I hope I never forget, but rather recall fondly years down the road. 

Michael Joseph Terwilliger is my twin flame. My mirror. He reflected every strength, every insecurity, every weakness in my life. By loving him, he helped me become the best version possible of myself for this chapter of my life. Our relationship was intense at times. It was painful at times.

But gosh, if I could love him again 1000x. If I could do it all over again 1000x. I think I would. I know I would. He awakened apart of me that I did not even know existed. I am a better woman today, for having known and loved him.

Until our souls connect again ... I will be missing him. 

THAT happy ending

The beginning of this week was terrible. 

Sundays have consistently been a new low point for me. I grieve Michael and the activities we did together on Sunday SO much. I miss watching Sunday football on the couch in the basement; watching wrestling between the 4:25 and 8:30PM games; eating a home cooked meal and just spending time in his company.

Monday and Tuesday were also pretty low for me this week too. I am not sure if it is because it has been so dark, so gloomy and so cold. Oh hello daylight savings! I also have just been so full of hate and anger. I hate that he did not fight for me. I am angry that I have not heard from him. I hate that I self-destructed in the last couple of months of our relationship. I am angry that he was not my happily ever after. I hate that my new normal has changed - that I cannot reach out to him to share little joys and frustrations of each and every day. I am angry that he is planning to move back to New York.

And even more frustrating - I feel him slipping away. I go back and forth... some days I feel like I am better off without him and can do bad all by myself. Other days I am convinced that he will come back and we are in fact meant to be together. 

Today is Thursday, and it's the first day I've felt like myself again. I am not sure if talking to Nadia had something to do with it. But I feel so much better. But I long for the day when I hear from him again. I am not even sure what to say. We are complete strangers now at this point. I still need to gather my belongings from his house. But I miss him. His friendship. His company. Him. 

My only hope at this point in this journey is that I truly can kick an old habit. That I can overcome the negativity I've let build up in my soul and spirit for so long. That I can heal from old wounds and scars. And grow into the woman I am supposed to be. One who is happy and full of love, laughter and positive forward thinking. Whether this woman marries Mike, Bob or the next Joe. I cannot wait to overcome the negativity and restore peace and balance within my heart.

It's going to be hard. I'll have my ups and downs. I may cry some days and want to give up on others. But I am confident that I can do it. That things will get better. That I will soften my heart, energy and increase my positive thinking once again. Here's to another 30 days of fighting for THAT happy ending. 

best thing yet

About a month ago today... my health was in shambles. I was getting migraines too often. I was exhausted and sleeping the day away. I was miserable and depressed and angry and fighting to rediscover who I knew I was... who I wanted to be.

About five days later, I bared all to my then boyfriend. Laid it all on the line. I cried my eyes out stating I didn't feel loved, that it seemed as though this relationship was not going anywhere.

The weeks that have followed have been a roller coaster. I've had my ups and downs. Probably more downs than ups. But for the first time in a long time, it feels like I am finding myself again. That I feel like myself again.

I feel radiant. I feel beautiful. I feel happy. I feel like my mind is clear. I feel like my body is lighter and healthier. I haven't had a headache in weeks.

There are a million things I could attribute all of this to, but for now I just want to say, "Thank you Jesus." Don't get me wrong... I am still sad at certain times during each day. I have moments where I cry or feel a little down. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of my best friend and lover.

But then I walk past a mirror and realize... letting go of him and that toxic relationship was the best thing I could've ever done for myself in 2017.

And I look forward to seeing what the next couple of weeks/months have in store for me 🤗❤️