Sundays have consistently been a new low point for me. I grieve Michael and the activities we did together on Sunday SO much. I miss watching Sunday football on the couch in the basement; watching wrestling between the 4:25 and 8:30PM games; eating a home cooked meal and just spending time in his company.
Monday and Tuesday were also pretty low for me this week too. I am not sure if it is because it has been so dark, so gloomy and so cold. Oh hello daylight savings! I also have just been so full of hate and anger. I hate that he did not fight for me. I am angry that I have not heard from him. I hate that I self-destructed in the last couple of months of our relationship. I am angry that he was not my happily ever after. I hate that my new normal has changed - that I cannot reach out to him to share little joys and frustrations of each and every day. I am angry that he is planning to move back to New York.
Monday and Tuesday were also pretty low for me this week too. I am not sure if it is because it has been so dark, so gloomy and so cold. Oh hello daylight savings! I also have just been so full of hate and anger. I hate that he did not fight for me. I am angry that I have not heard from him. I hate that I self-destructed in the last couple of months of our relationship. I am angry that he was not my happily ever after. I hate that my new normal has changed - that I cannot reach out to him to share little joys and frustrations of each and every day. I am angry that he is planning to move back to New York.
And even more frustrating - I feel him slipping away. I go back and forth... some days I feel like I am better off without him and can do bad all by myself. Other days I am convinced that he will come back and we are in fact meant to be together.
Today is Thursday, and it's the first day I've felt like myself again. I am not sure if talking to Nadia had something to do with it. But I feel so much better. But I long for the day when I hear from him again. I am not even sure what to say. We are complete strangers now at this point. I still need to gather my belongings from his house. But I miss him. His friendship. His company. Him.
My only hope at this point in this journey is that I truly can kick an old habit. That I can overcome the negativity I've let build up in my soul and spirit for so long. That I can heal from old wounds and scars. And grow into the woman I am supposed to be. One who is happy and full of love, laughter and positive forward thinking. Whether this woman marries Mike, Bob or the next Joe. I cannot wait to overcome the negativity and restore peace and balance within my heart.
It's going to be hard. I'll have my ups and downs. I may cry some days and want to give up on others. But I am confident that I can do it. That things will get better. That I will soften my heart, energy and increase my positive thinking once again. Here's to another 30 days of fighting for THAT happy ending.
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