New Beginnings

So Sean McKenzie is a father to a little boy named Jameson. His pictures radiate happiness, love and joy. Pretty cool that he found his happily ever after, and that they have started a family together.

Today I moved out the last of my things from Michael Terwilliger´s house. I got choked up a couple of times. Stood in the kitchen for a good 5 minutes taking in the scenery. I think I did the same thing too in the bedroom and outside of the house. 

It is amazing how my life has played out so far.

11 years ago, I just knew I was going to marry Sean. He was going to be my one and only. He was the love of my life. At that time, little did I know that that dream would unravel and the book of life would write a different ending. 

4 years ago, I bumped into Mike at a barbeque. There was an instant connection. As time passed, I hoped that he would be the one I would marry. He fulfilled several of the boxes on my checklist. Little did I know that by November 2017, we would no longer be together. Little did I know that the life I hoped to build with him would end up being a glass house only to come shattering down to the ground.

It is amazing how life plays out. I am happy for Sean - I think it is pretty cool that he has entered a new chapter of his life. I am sad for Mike and I ... I wonder these days if I would have been better off never meeting him. If our barbeque interaction had stayed only that ... an interaction ... how much happier would I be today? Maybe I would have been with my happily ever after by now.

I am not really sure what to think about the chapter of Mike. I am so angry. I am so sad. I am so confused. Many days I wake up and think - that entire chapter was a lie. At least (for a period of time), I knew that Sean loved me. I am not really sure what Mike thought of me. I know he never loved me. I am not so sure why he kept me around as long as he did. 

The biggest lesson I have learned from the past month of grieving is ... I knew from day one that it was never going to work out with Mike. The possibility of forever never existed. I wanted it to. I thought I could change him. I thought I could be the one. If he were given time and all of my love, that maybe he would change for me. I was foolish and nieve. I should have left him and the relationship alone. All of the signs were there. And yet I foolishly continued on loving him and trying to build a life together. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I have failed. Not only in this relationship, but I have failed myself because I knew better.

At this point in time, I do not care to ever speak to him ever again. I wish him all of the best - but I desire no contact. Our friendship died along with our relationship. There is nothing left there. I have nothing left to say. We have nothing left in common, except for the faint and fading memories of yesterday. As I often do for every other trauma in my life, I hope to black out this period of my life as a coping mechanism to move forward and let go. If I forget him and that period of life ... then I can move forward and pursue new beginnings without baggage.

I often wonder what he is thinking or feeling. Does he miss me/our relationship? Did he think it was real? Did he ever value me or the relationship? Does he have any regrets? Will he remember me long after this period of time passes?

I will never have the answers to those questions. Probably for the better. I am convinced that he is not capable of feeling anything because he is and was always emotionally unavailable. I will soon be replaced with another dumb woman or another Anderson of sorts. That is fine. I will replace him too. Just you wait and see ... itś only a matter of time. 

I am hurt so I spit out hate and spitefulness. His feelings mean nothing to me. I could care less. 

Here is to new beginnings. And not staring at closed doors. Fuck those four years of my life. Those four stupid years of my life. I wish I could erase them. I wish I could erase Michael Terwilliger from my thoughts and my memories. You are dead to me.