D I S C E R N M E N T

Discernment means the ability to judge well. I think of it as that little nagging feeling in your gut or the pit of your stomach that literally cries out, ¨Abort mission! Abort mission!¨

I would like to think my discernment meter is generally pretty good. Whether or not I listen to it, well that is an entirely different story. I did listen to it the other day though (however). My old BFF Kat contacted me on Tuesday night to see if I might be interested in joining her for the Ravens football game. Of course I was interested - I have not been to a game in years! Even better, her husband and her having amazing seats in the end zone.

My discernment meter starting going off internally though. Did these tickets cost? Her response - free free free. What was the catch? Her response - I needed to find a second friend to join (two free tickets) and I needed to let her know ASAP because if I could not go, then she would need to find someone else to join the fun. Who else was going? Her response - MJ and Tori (who I have not seen in more than a year and whose wedding I purposely RSVPd no to a week ago because I did not want to endure awkward conversation).

I told Kat I had made plans with a coworker and would need to check in with her to determine if they were still a go or not. I told her I would let her know my response (my RSVP) by noonish the next day. Well the next day came, and she started harrassing me for an answer. She needed to know if I was a no, so she could find someone else. Annoyed (Why was there pressure to respond WHEN the tickets were free and she INTENDED to share them with me? What different did it make if I responded at noon or 3PM?) I declined her invite.

Let me tell you - it was the greatest decision of October 2017.

If I had gone, no doubt it would be awkward. I have not seen her, her hubby or spent time with them in over a year. Add Matt John and Tori to the mix - I would be sure to be left out of several conversations for which I would not know the context (since I have not been around in over a year). Secondly, nothing in this world is free baby. There surely was some invisible price tag attached to these tickets. Maybe it wouldve been her guilt tripping me into something weeks down the road. Maybe it would have been pressure to spill the dets on my recent split from Michael. No matter what that cost would be, it surely was not worth my happiness, peace and piece of mind. Thirdly - was this a pity gift because I am newly single (and still sad)? Where was my invite to a game during preseason... or last year ... or anytime in the past couple of years that we have grown apart? And if the goddamn tix were free, why did she need to know ASAP? Sheeesh!

Kat never liked Mike. She did not have to verbalize it for me to know that. She continuously judged our relationship and had negative things to say about him/us. That is partly the reason why I drifted away. This was also extra salt and pepper to my list of reasons for why I needed to decline the ticket offer. She wanted me to come to the game to have me on the witness stand. Id bet my next paycheck that she would drill me on the ins and outs. Only to either A) share the gossip with her hubby - who still works with Michael mind you or B) use this as ammo to hate on Michael even more. Either way - I love him and respect him TOO much to fall for that trap. Together or apart ... I respect him too much. No one gets to slander his name on my watch. NO ONE. And I am not interested in entertaining negative opinions about him, me or our relationship either.

We had something special, albeit unhealthy at times. He was my love and my best friend. He taught me so much and helped me grow into the woman I am today. And this woman is goddamn beautiful. She is strong and tough. She is smarter and wiser. And I owe a lot of this to him. And over my dead body would ANYONE defacate on that. Whew. Should I tell you how I really feel? Ha Ha!

Anyhow, I went to soldierfit around 4:30pm with my coworker Andrea. And I had a chance to come home and meditate (heaven on earth people) and settle in for the night. My piece of mind and contmentment... I would not trade it for ALL the free Ravens tickets (or Kat invites) in the world.

There is a reason (rather long list of reasons) why I walked away from that friendship. And sounds silly, but Id have to hang my head in shame if I ran back now. Mike may be out of my life ... but I could still see those beautiful blue eyes with disappointment, hear the tone of his voice drop in disapproval and see him shake his big old forehead in dismay. I have worked too damn hard to come this far and run back to Kat now. And I refuse to. Mostly for myself. But also for Michael Joseph.

Miles apart or side by side ... may his influence on my life live on. May I never forget the lessons he taught me. May I NEVER EVER succumb to Kat and her manipulative ways ever again. I am too good for that shit. Discernment is a beautiful thing.

Supposed to Be

The past two weeks have been some of the toughest days of my life. 

Well ... maybe 2017. 

Ive cried more than I have cried in a very long time. Ive felt calmer than I have in a very long time. Ive felt more at peace than I have in a very long time. I have been up and down and all around. But I am still standing. I am still breathing. I am still here. 

As much as I hate this current season of life I am in, I guess a part of me also loves it. I love it in that I have learned a hell of a lot about myself. I have learned about how strong I am. How much I have to offer this world. I have learned what my deal breakers are. I have learned what I need to work on - what baggage and positivity I bring to a relationship. 

It has been a period of extreme reflection. Difficult. Raw. Real. But ever so good. 

Tonight as I sit behind this computer screen, I feel oddly at peace. At peace that I am growing and maturing. Peace that I am finding out who I am. Peace that I must go through this chapter to get to the next one. I am going to be okay. 

Every once in a while, life has to throw us a plot twist. Thats were the growth lies. Thats where the development of character comes from. Cheers to growth and reflection. To becoming the person I am supposed to be. No one said the journey would be easy, but I know in the end ... it will be worth it.

Forever My Love

It is amazing how one moment ... one second can change everything. That moment/second has the potential to rock your entire world.

Sunday October 8th. Mike left the basement to take a phone call. Nate had called. There was trouble and heartbreak brewing in his marriage. Mike returned to the basement an hour or two later and remarked that he didnt think he was cut out for marriage. And I literally snapped. I sobbed. I poured my heart out. I aired out months of dirty laundry that I had been shoving in the crevices of my heart.

I told Mike that if was not ready to get married, then we had no business being together. I mean, we have been together for 2 and a half years. If he does not see marriage (which I very much hope for) then why would we continue to remain together. Shit or get off the pot. He wanted time to think about his response. To really think about it. I left an emotional wreck. Did not even hug him or look him in the eye. Tail lights and smoke behind me as I took off down the road at 10PM in the evening.

Flash forward two weeks later ... I am single. We broke up on October 11th, 2017. I have not heard from him since we last spoke. And I am devastated. I lost my best friend and my boyfriend in one moment. Literally in a matter of seconds. And I have been lost and confused, every second of every day ever since.

I have been sitting in a pile of mess. Emotions all over the place. Thoughts all scattered. Trying to put the puzzle of my relationship and life back together. How did we get to this place? How do we go back to a few weeks ago when everything was wonderful. How do I get my best friend back?

Will I ever hear from him again? Does he miss me? Is he thinking about me as much as I think about him?

I hate this new chapter of life. Not because I am not open to change. But because I cannot help but wonder if I fucked up. Michael Joseph Terwilliger was my world. The bright spot in each and every day. The person I admired most. The person I laughed with the most. Who pushed me to be a better person. He was my safe haven in a world of crazy.

I am not sure if I will ever hear from him again. I am not sure if he even thinks about me for a second. But if he was reading this ... I would tell him: I miss you. Every single second of every single day. I love you more than I could ever explain. I am so grateful for the time we shared together and your impact on my life. I want nothing but the best for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I look forward to the day when I hear from you/see you again. Forever my love.

Christina

I am a MASSTAAAA

On Saturday I graduated with a Master of Science degree in Educational Leadership! It was a wonderful day filled with lots of love and support from family. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to attend Hood College and for FREE! It's been an incredible three years. I have grown so much during this time and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for me!

God is SO Good

A lot of HUGE life changes occurred this week for me. I am SO excited to announce that I am moving to Laurel at the end of May AND I have secured a teaching position at a NEW school. My commute to work from my new home will be 30 minutes, and I will be teaching with one of my best friends! I am finally returning to the classroom after 5 years and will be teaching a grave level that I LOVE. I am so incredibly blessed. So incredibly grateful. So incredibly humbled by God's grace and mercy. In hindsight, I feel kind of silly. Starting in January, I developed this subconscious of constant anxiety over where I would live and what I would teach. I would have melt downs ... I would go through crying spells ... I would fret and worry and lose sleep. But today I ask myself, WHY? I knew God would make a way. That he would line everything up. I KNEW this. But I just could not trust in it. My human flesh wanted a road map with all of the stops. And I had neither a map nor the directions to my next destination. But here I am today, and God is working things out on my behalf (Romans 8:28).

Here is to fresh starts and new beginnings! I am excited to see what the future has to hold. In the meantime ... it's a 36 day countdown until graduation! Cannot wait to officially have my MASTER'S degree! God is SO good.

Aiming for Peace this Week

Lao Tzu ...

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

The Next Step

Many life changes are in the works. And I'd be lying if I said I was not experiencing panic attacks about it on the reg. I am so excited about this new chapter in life. I am also scared shitless. I am stepping out on faith to find a new job, move to a new location and leave behind everything I know and love.

I have an idea of how I want this to all play out. How I want this to all look. But what if that's not God's plan? I am terrified of the unknown. What if this doesn't work out? What if everything falls through? What if I am making the biggest mistake of my life?

These changes are even making me worry about my relationships with friends and Mike. Will these relationships change? Do I even know who I am anymore? Will these people continue to love me and support me once I make these changes?

I keep reminding myself to take a deep breath. To trust in the process. To trust that all things are working together for my good. But I may not be able to breathe ... until it's March 2017, and I have seen that every little thing is gonna be alright.

Here's to this faith walk. This journey. These new beginnings. They are scary as HELL. But I am hopeful it's the next step, in the best days of my life.