Discernment means the ability to judge well. I think of it as that little nagging feeling in your gut or the pit of your stomach that literally cries out, ¨Abort mission! Abort mission!¨
I would like to think my discernment meter is generally pretty good. Whether or not I listen to it, well that is an entirely different story. I did listen to it the other day though (however). My old BFF Kat contacted me on Tuesday night to see if I might be interested in joining her for the Ravens football game. Of course I was interested - I have not been to a game in years! Even better, her husband and her having amazing seats in the end zone.
My discernment meter starting going off internally though. Did these tickets cost? Her response - free free free. What was the catch? Her response - I needed to find a second friend to join (two free tickets) and I needed to let her know ASAP because if I could not go, then she would need to find someone else to join the fun. Who else was going? Her response - MJ and Tori (who I have not seen in more than a year and whose wedding I purposely RSVPd no to a week ago because I did not want to endure awkward conversation).
I told Kat I had made plans with a coworker and would need to check in with her to determine if they were still a go or not. I told her I would let her know my response (my RSVP) by noonish the next day. Well the next day came, and she started harrassing me for an answer. She needed to know if I was a no, so she could find someone else. Annoyed (Why was there pressure to respond WHEN the tickets were free and she INTENDED to share them with me? What different did it make if I responded at noon or 3PM?) I declined her invite.
Let me tell you - it was the greatest decision of October 2017.
If I had gone, no doubt it would be awkward. I have not seen her, her hubby or spent time with them in over a year. Add Matt John and Tori to the mix - I would be sure to be left out of several conversations for which I would not know the context (since I have not been around in over a year). Secondly, nothing in this world is free baby. There surely was some invisible price tag attached to these tickets. Maybe it wouldve been her guilt tripping me into something weeks down the road. Maybe it would have been pressure to spill the dets on my recent split from Michael. No matter what that cost would be, it surely was not worth my happiness, peace and piece of mind. Thirdly - was this a pity gift because I am newly single (and still sad)? Where was my invite to a game during preseason... or last year ... or anytime in the past couple of years that we have grown apart? And if the goddamn tix were free, why did she need to know ASAP? Sheeesh!
Kat never liked Mike. She did not have to verbalize it for me to know that. She continuously judged our relationship and had negative things to say about him/us. That is partly the reason why I drifted away. This was also extra salt and pepper to my list of reasons for why I needed to decline the ticket offer. She wanted me to come to the game to have me on the witness stand. Id bet my next paycheck that she would drill me on the ins and outs. Only to either A) share the gossip with her hubby - who still works with Michael mind you or B) use this as ammo to hate on Michael even more. Either way - I love him and respect him TOO much to fall for that trap. Together or apart ... I respect him too much. No one gets to slander his name on my watch. NO ONE. And I am not interested in entertaining negative opinions about him, me or our relationship either.
We had something special, albeit unhealthy at times. He was my love and my best friend. He taught me so much and helped me grow into the woman I am today. And this woman is goddamn beautiful. She is strong and tough. She is smarter and wiser. And I owe a lot of this to him. And over my dead body would ANYONE defacate on that. Whew. Should I tell you how I really feel? Ha Ha!
Anyhow, I went to soldierfit around 4:30pm with my coworker Andrea. And I had a chance to come home and meditate (heaven on earth people) and settle in for the night. My piece of mind and contmentment... I would not trade it for ALL the free Ravens tickets (or Kat invites) in the world.
There is a reason (rather long list of reasons) why I walked away from that friendship. And sounds silly, but Id have to hang my head in shame if I ran back now. Mike may be out of my life ... but I could still see those beautiful blue eyes with disappointment, hear the tone of his voice drop in disapproval and see him shake his big old forehead in dismay. I have worked too damn hard to come this far and run back to Kat now. And I refuse to. Mostly for myself. But also for Michael Joseph.
Miles apart or side by side ... may his influence on my life live on. May I never forget the lessons he taught me. May I NEVER EVER succumb to Kat and her manipulative ways ever again. I am too good for that shit. Discernment is a beautiful thing.
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