Happy New Year

In a nutshell, the year 2017 taught me that we cannot keep that which is meant to end. Life is literally a series of endings and beginnings. Each ending is necessary for a new beginning to occur. It is far easier to dance with these changes, then to cling to them.

2017 was full of some of the happiest moments of my life. Being so in love with a guy. Falling asleep nestled in his arms many nights. Spending time with loved ones. Smiling so big and laughing so much my cheeks felt like they could fall off. Traveling to new places and trying new brews and foods. I specifically will never forget my adventures to the Shenandoah Valley, Niagara Falls, Toronto, Cincinnati, Kingston, NY and Augusta, GA. Or my favorite pup named Sadie Moo. I miss that sweet girl.

2017 was also full of some of the lowest moments of my life. I ate too much food and drank too much beer. I weighed in at my heaviest - a whopping 275 pounds. Around the end of June and beginning of July, I lost myself in a relationship that was destined for nowhere. I cried myself to sleep many nights … that is if I could actually fall asleep. I allowed myself to be emotionally abused. I cowered down and compromised and held my tongue to the point that I had lost a sense of who I was and what I could actually offer to someone else.

As 2017 closes out, I sit in the dining room of my parent’s home as a single lady. 10 pounds lighter and working towards finding herself again. I am still broken on the inside. I miss my best friend and the times we shared together. But on the outside, I am growing stronger every day and finding new meaning in my day to day adventures. In the past four months, I have mustered the courage to go on with the support of some fierce ladies.

My wish for 2018 is that I aim to put God first in all that I do. To work on my walk with Jesus. To put my trust in him, and to allow him to fill me up in all the broken places to that one day I may be whole again. We cannot keep that which is meant to end. But I also know that all things work together for good, for those that love HIM. So here is to 2018 … may I serve HIM and walk in purpose. And maybe… just maybe… see some of the desires of my heart manifest in ways I could have ever imagined.

2017 ended on a tough note. But I am grateful for the season. I am grateful for the lessons. And I am hopeful for what is to come. Happy New Year!

Up From Here - New Beginnings (Manifest)

A new moon cycle begins this evening && I cannot help but wonder what new beginnings this new cycle will bring about.

New beginnings that I hope manifest in 2018:

• Buy my first home
  
• Buy a dog (Tucker)
  
• Successfully complete the king crab challenge (2 half marathons and a 10 miler race)
  
• Pay off credit card
  
• Build my savings

If I accomplish these three things, my bucket list for the upcoming year will be complete. I look forward to continuing to move forward. To learn more about who I am. To fall more in love with both my self and Christ, my savior. To develop better spending and saving habits. To live life more fully - doing things that bring me joy and happiness.

I pray that 2018 is a good year. I mean after what I have been through this past year, things can only go up from here :o)

Seasons

I went to yet another spiritual adviser yesterday. I know. I know. It has gotten a little out of hand at this point. She did a tarot card reading for me.

Immediately, she commented that she saw two guys in my love life. One obviously is Mike. I assume the other is Toyin Fadiran (who seems to be relentless and pursuing my attention and/or conversation with me at this moment). She questioned how long ago I had broken up with one of them. I said last October. Then she then stated matter of factually, "The relationship ended how it was supposed to." She commented that she sees that Mike will reenter my life again in the future, but the relationship needed to end because we were unable to communicate the way that we needed to. She also shared that he will mature during this time and be okay/successful. She said when he reenters my life, he will most likely be a friend - nothing romantic. She also stated that he will express how he truly felt at that time.

Funny that I had been contemplating and questioning those vary things earlier in the day. As tears rolled down my cheek and I commented on how that makes me sad, she also said that it is possible that we can have a relationship again in the future. Time will tell if I want to let him back in. She also commented that this new guy has the potential to become a relationship. Which - side note - I do not want to entertain at this time. I truly feel that I need some time to myself before entering a new relationship.

Anyhow I thought the reading was interesting, and if I did not know any better, I would say God was speaking directly to me. So this morning I cried out for God to help me let go. Let go of what could be. What I wanted to be. What I dream of being. I need to fully release Michael. The season has ended. And like the saying goes, seasons change. I truly am grateful for the time I spent in his company. I will miss him - like I often miss the scent of fall in the air or the coolness of the autumn breeze. I will never forget that season of life, and I wish nothing but the best for him. I hope that he finds happiness and that life treats him well. It was an honor to have spent time in his company, even if that time was short.

I am not looking for a new relationship, other than one with myself. And I hope in due time I learn how to love ME again. How to live life to the fullest. And that I am able to accomplish all that I set out to do. The season of spring means new growth... and I suppose it is almost upon me.

Suadade.

I woke up this morning with the weirdest feeling in my heart.

As I drove to work, I racked my brain trying to come up with the right word to describe the emotion. Was it nostalgia? No that was not it. Euphoria? Nope not the right word either. Was it deja vu? Nope that did not even begin to hit the nail on the head.

I kept searching in the darkest corners of my brain for a word I knew I had stumbled upon once, but could not remember, to describe the emotions that had overcome me this morning.

Fast forward some Kirk Franklin gospel tunes on repeat, tear stained checks, and a day of teaching, I have recalled the word. And boy does it explain what I feel in a nutshell.

Suadade. It is suadade that I have felt today.

Saudade is used to explain the feeling of missing something or someone. It is a form of homesickness. Of Portuguese origin, in a whole bunch of clumsy English words, saudade means “the love that remains” after someone is gone. It’s the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being. It describes a deep nostalgic longing.

But it goes deeper – implicit in the emotion is the fact it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing will never return. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone or something that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence.

Suadade.

I think the best thing I did in 2017 was leave my relationship with Michael. No doubt the toughest thing I did this year. But in the long run, I think it was a decision that needed to happen. I am already happier, healthier and more at peace. I have no regrets walking away from that chapter of my life.

Yet, in it's closure and absence ... here I am ... feeling suadade. I miss him. I miss the times we shared together. I carry him with me each and everyday. I do not want him back in my life. Nor do I think he will ever try to re-enter it. But funny that I sit here overcome with such emotion. Empty in someways. Homesick in others. Recalling all of our happy and fondest times together. Reminiscing on the love that was ... and maybe the love the remains in his absence.

Saudade: It brings sad and happy feelings all at once; sadness from missing something loved and happiness for having experienced the love. If it means anything at all, I am happy for having loved Michael (even if I was never loved in return).

Change my Life

The last couple of days have been good for reflection. I have spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts and feelings. A couple of things I have come to realize: 

1. Walking away from Michael Terwilliger was the best decision I made in 2017.
1. I was definitely settling for less than I deserved.
2. I knew physiologically that this relationship was toxic. I had put on weight, I was developing migraines, I was not sleeping regularly (but rather using pills or vape to put me to sleep). 
3. I was using the dog and my cell phone to escape. I would retreat in their worlds to avoid my discomfort with my current reality (i.e. Anderson and Mike).
4. I would run off and go to sleep or hide out in his room to avoid awkward company with him. 
5. I started staying at my place more. Not telling him information/withholding important things from him. 
6. I also began to fantasize about other guys. 

The relationship had become toxic. It had run itś course. Now do not get me wrong ... I truly wanted it to work out. I put my all into that relationship, probably more than I should have or could have. I loved Mike with all my heart and soul. But the energy we had created together had become negative. I was not being myself anymore. He was not himself. I think it would be a lie to say either of us were happy. We were not even having sex or sharing any kind of intimacy anymore.

I read something today that stated... if you have to force something, it is of the flesh. If it develops naturally, it is of God. That relationship was most certainly of the flesh. I was trying to force things. Mike was doing who knows what. I don't think he was trying or putting in effort anymore. I had become merely a convenience. 

So who is to blame? I dont know. 

I blame myself for settling for less than I deserved. All of the signs were there for years, that I needed to walk away and leave this relationship/person alone. But I fought it. I stuck with it. In being stubborn, I ultimately failed. The cost? My pride, my feelings, my heart.

I blame Mike for not ever wanting to communicate about feelings. About the problems in our relationship. He always avoided, avoided, avoided. I blame him for not being real. He was literally going to stay in this relationship and go with it, even though at some point he realized he was not happy and not going to marry me/allow me to move in. He should have stated it the moment he realized it. It would have broken my heart and hurt my feelings, no doubt. But it would have been the right thing to do.

The funny thing is, a part of me cannot hate him. Or entirely blame him. I feel bad for the guy. He has not idea what he really wants in life and is scared of commitment. But in other ways, he was damned if he did and damned if he didnt in regards to ending a relationship with me. He was going to be the bad guy either way. That sucks. That breaks my heart. Because he was not a bad guy. He just was not the right guy to be my partner for life.

I cry as I write that. The love, adoration and respect I had for him was monumental. I think about him every day. I miss what we had when it was good. When it seemed real. If it was even real. It hurts my heart that we got to this place. I wish we hadnt. But I guess in the grand scheme of things, it took getting to this place for me to realize I needed to get out of this relationship and fly on my own for a while. 

I do not think that he will ever come back to me. I also do not think that we will ever be in contact or communication again. That relationship died with the flames. Maybe it is better that way. I am still hurt and grieving. So I cannot say that I am fondly looking back on the era of boomba right now. But I do quietly hope that maybe 10 years from now, when I recall my season of life with Mike ... that it will be the happy times and how he helped me grow as a woman and a person.

As I saw all the time, I wish him nothing but the best. I wish him good health and happiness. I pray that he is in good company and doing the things he loves. I pray that guardian angels are around him all the days of his life, protecting him from harm. Deep down in my heart, I will always love that guy and how he made me feel when I was with him.

I am just sorry it did not work out the way I had hoped for. And I am sorry that it ended in the dramatic series of events that it did. And I am sorry that now I am in a place where I think it will be impossible for me to sit down and have a civil conversation with him. 

But I am SO happy that I got out. I am SO happy that soon I will be able to love again. And I am so happy that for the first time in my life, I did what I needed to do for me. I have no regrets about closing that door. And I cannot wait for when the next door opens, revealing a surprise inside. Maybe it will be what I have always been waiting for. Maybe it will be the door to change my life. 

reflection

Today I have been reflective. Introspective. Sad. I have cried a few times. I miss him. But then I wonder is it him I miss - or the idea of him? To be determined in the upcoming weeks I am sure. For the most part I am doing okay. Evenings have gotten easier. Tears fall less often. I have developed a new rhythm for my life. 

But then out of nowhere ... BAM! I will be suddenly hit with saddness. A memory of him. An unanswered question. A song that speaks to my soul. And all of the emotions I have gotten over - or so I thought - come flooding back to me. It is one hell of a roller coaster ride.

I may never understand why things fell apart so quickly that fateful October evening. I may never understand why he could not muster up the truth. How do you go from being comfortable with someone to being absolute strangers. It still blows my mind.

I guess one chapter ended. Now it is time to write a new one. Time will tell what new beginnings await in this new one...

Pieces of the Puzzle

Sundays are the hardest. At this point, I am not really sure why. It has been almost two months since we broke up. That is five or six Sundays that I have spent on my own. They do not seem to get easier though.

I have been feeling sad today. I went to lunch with my cousins. The majority of the conversation was about their significant others. I had nothing to contribute to the conversation, because I have no significant other. The chatter made me reflect on the person I loved. The person I shared my life with. The stories I used to tell about him. I am not jealous. I am okay with their significant others joining, or with them sharing details about their relationships. It is still hard though. 

Driving home from Silver Spring, I sobbed. I thought of how years past, this was the day that Mike would travel home from New York. He would call me around 6 or 7AM in the morning to let me know he was leaving out. Typically, he would return to the area by 1 or 2PM. I would wait anxiously ... excited to reunite with my guy. To see him. To smell him. To be in his presence again.

Call it foolish. But today I kept looking at my phone. Half hoping it would ring and be a call from him, telling me that he had made it home safely. The call never came. I saw a photograph on facebook of him and the other Mikes. They were gearing up to attend a concert in Baltimore tonight. Seeing those old familiar faces, in that old familiar space (the Mets themed basement) choked me up. No longer will I be a part of that circle. No longer will I spend my evenings in that space.

Fantasizing about a time no more, I thought to myself ... had we still been together ... I would be down in that basement right now with Sadie curled up next to me. I would be watching TV eagerly awaiting Michaelś return to the house. I would maybe even fall asleep, only to be woken by him ... calling me to come upstairs to bed. Those were the days.

I am still so unbelievably confused. In all fairness ... he told me from the beginning that he needed counseling. That he had difficulty with emotions and feelings. That he could not give me what I needed. I ignored and overlooked those statements. I glanced the other way when his actions and/or behaviors suggested such as well. I take full responsibility in that. I made a choice. And that choice ended up burning me in the tooosh. But if even for one moment in time, what we had felt real. It had to have been. 

I can recall kisses ... that electrified my soul. Hugs that made me feel alive. I remember gazing into his eyes and feeling a spark deep within my inner being. I know he had to have felt that too. So how and when did our relationship run itś course? Is it because the fire really died out? Or is it because he emotionally checked out in effort to guard his heart? And why didn´t I leave the countless times he showed himself to be emotionally unavailable? So many times he showed those cards. And I convinced myself that I was different. That this time it would be different.

Whenever the fire died for him, whenever he checked out ... why didn´t he say so? How long was he going to wait or go without saying something? Without telling me the truth? That had to have been challenging and/or painful for him... to play a role in a play he had no desire to be a male lead in.

I just sit here stupified. Dumbfounded. Hurt. 

I do not want him back. I do not think I could do that ... whatever that was again. Knowing what I know now ... I cant. I wont. I want that door to stay shut now that I have escaped it. I go the closure I longed for. The closure I needed.

But what continues to haunt me at night is the fact that I never mattered. I meant nothing to him. That he lied. I feel so abused. So taken advantage of. So confused. I thought he was my friend. I thought I could trust him. He let me down. He proved me wrong. That saddens me the most. The fact that yet again, I was not worth someone´s love. That someone did not recognize my worth ... when I recognized theirs. That I was not worth the truth, or the fight. That I was not worth it. 

I will never understand that. I hope with time I can move past it. Forget it. This season of singleness - albeit lonliness - is tough. I have cried more than I have liked. My heart has heaved more than I can keep count. The pieces of the puzzle are scattered and broken. And I do not think it will be possible to put the pieces back together again. So I will leave them scattered on the floor. All that I can do now is sweep them up and throw them out. I guess they were never worth anything anyway.