Seasons

I went to yet another spiritual adviser yesterday. I know. I know. It has gotten a little out of hand at this point. She did a tarot card reading for me.

Immediately, she commented that she saw two guys in my love life. One obviously is Mike. I assume the other is Toyin Fadiran (who seems to be relentless and pursuing my attention and/or conversation with me at this moment). She questioned how long ago I had broken up with one of them. I said last October. Then she then stated matter of factually, "The relationship ended how it was supposed to." She commented that she sees that Mike will reenter my life again in the future, but the relationship needed to end because we were unable to communicate the way that we needed to. She also shared that he will mature during this time and be okay/successful. She said when he reenters my life, he will most likely be a friend - nothing romantic. She also stated that he will express how he truly felt at that time.

Funny that I had been contemplating and questioning those vary things earlier in the day. As tears rolled down my cheek and I commented on how that makes me sad, she also said that it is possible that we can have a relationship again in the future. Time will tell if I want to let him back in. She also commented that this new guy has the potential to become a relationship. Which - side note - I do not want to entertain at this time. I truly feel that I need some time to myself before entering a new relationship.

Anyhow I thought the reading was interesting, and if I did not know any better, I would say God was speaking directly to me. So this morning I cried out for God to help me let go. Let go of what could be. What I wanted to be. What I dream of being. I need to fully release Michael. The season has ended. And like the saying goes, seasons change. I truly am grateful for the time I spent in his company. I will miss him - like I often miss the scent of fall in the air or the coolness of the autumn breeze. I will never forget that season of life, and I wish nothing but the best for him. I hope that he finds happiness and that life treats him well. It was an honor to have spent time in his company, even if that time was short.

I am not looking for a new relationship, other than one with myself. And I hope in due time I learn how to love ME again. How to live life to the fullest. And that I am able to accomplish all that I set out to do. The season of spring means new growth... and I suppose it is almost upon me.

Suadade.

I woke up this morning with the weirdest feeling in my heart.

As I drove to work, I racked my brain trying to come up with the right word to describe the emotion. Was it nostalgia? No that was not it. Euphoria? Nope not the right word either. Was it deja vu? Nope that did not even begin to hit the nail on the head.

I kept searching in the darkest corners of my brain for a word I knew I had stumbled upon once, but could not remember, to describe the emotions that had overcome me this morning.

Fast forward some Kirk Franklin gospel tunes on repeat, tear stained checks, and a day of teaching, I have recalled the word. And boy does it explain what I feel in a nutshell.

Suadade. It is suadade that I have felt today.

Saudade is used to explain the feeling of missing something or someone. It is a form of homesickness. Of Portuguese origin, in a whole bunch of clumsy English words, saudade means “the love that remains” after someone is gone. It’s the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being. It describes a deep nostalgic longing.

But it goes deeper – implicit in the emotion is the fact it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing will never return. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone or something that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence.

Suadade.

I think the best thing I did in 2017 was leave my relationship with Michael. No doubt the toughest thing I did this year. But in the long run, I think it was a decision that needed to happen. I am already happier, healthier and more at peace. I have no regrets walking away from that chapter of my life.

Yet, in it's closure and absence ... here I am ... feeling suadade. I miss him. I miss the times we shared together. I carry him with me each and everyday. I do not want him back in my life. Nor do I think he will ever try to re-enter it. But funny that I sit here overcome with such emotion. Empty in someways. Homesick in others. Recalling all of our happy and fondest times together. Reminiscing on the love that was ... and maybe the love the remains in his absence.

Saudade: It brings sad and happy feelings all at once; sadness from missing something loved and happiness for having experienced the love. If it means anything at all, I am happy for having loved Michael (even if I was never loved in return).

Change my Life

The last couple of days have been good for reflection. I have spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts and feelings. A couple of things I have come to realize: 

1. Walking away from Michael Terwilliger was the best decision I made in 2017.
1. I was definitely settling for less than I deserved.
2. I knew physiologically that this relationship was toxic. I had put on weight, I was developing migraines, I was not sleeping regularly (but rather using pills or vape to put me to sleep). 
3. I was using the dog and my cell phone to escape. I would retreat in their worlds to avoid my discomfort with my current reality (i.e. Anderson and Mike).
4. I would run off and go to sleep or hide out in his room to avoid awkward company with him. 
5. I started staying at my place more. Not telling him information/withholding important things from him. 
6. I also began to fantasize about other guys. 

The relationship had become toxic. It had run itś course. Now do not get me wrong ... I truly wanted it to work out. I put my all into that relationship, probably more than I should have or could have. I loved Mike with all my heart and soul. But the energy we had created together had become negative. I was not being myself anymore. He was not himself. I think it would be a lie to say either of us were happy. We were not even having sex or sharing any kind of intimacy anymore.

I read something today that stated... if you have to force something, it is of the flesh. If it develops naturally, it is of God. That relationship was most certainly of the flesh. I was trying to force things. Mike was doing who knows what. I don't think he was trying or putting in effort anymore. I had become merely a convenience. 

So who is to blame? I dont know. 

I blame myself for settling for less than I deserved. All of the signs were there for years, that I needed to walk away and leave this relationship/person alone. But I fought it. I stuck with it. In being stubborn, I ultimately failed. The cost? My pride, my feelings, my heart.

I blame Mike for not ever wanting to communicate about feelings. About the problems in our relationship. He always avoided, avoided, avoided. I blame him for not being real. He was literally going to stay in this relationship and go with it, even though at some point he realized he was not happy and not going to marry me/allow me to move in. He should have stated it the moment he realized it. It would have broken my heart and hurt my feelings, no doubt. But it would have been the right thing to do.

The funny thing is, a part of me cannot hate him. Or entirely blame him. I feel bad for the guy. He has not idea what he really wants in life and is scared of commitment. But in other ways, he was damned if he did and damned if he didnt in regards to ending a relationship with me. He was going to be the bad guy either way. That sucks. That breaks my heart. Because he was not a bad guy. He just was not the right guy to be my partner for life.

I cry as I write that. The love, adoration and respect I had for him was monumental. I think about him every day. I miss what we had when it was good. When it seemed real. If it was even real. It hurts my heart that we got to this place. I wish we hadnt. But I guess in the grand scheme of things, it took getting to this place for me to realize I needed to get out of this relationship and fly on my own for a while. 

I do not think that he will ever come back to me. I also do not think that we will ever be in contact or communication again. That relationship died with the flames. Maybe it is better that way. I am still hurt and grieving. So I cannot say that I am fondly looking back on the era of boomba right now. But I do quietly hope that maybe 10 years from now, when I recall my season of life with Mike ... that it will be the happy times and how he helped me grow as a woman and a person.

As I saw all the time, I wish him nothing but the best. I wish him good health and happiness. I pray that he is in good company and doing the things he loves. I pray that guardian angels are around him all the days of his life, protecting him from harm. Deep down in my heart, I will always love that guy and how he made me feel when I was with him.

I am just sorry it did not work out the way I had hoped for. And I am sorry that it ended in the dramatic series of events that it did. And I am sorry that now I am in a place where I think it will be impossible for me to sit down and have a civil conversation with him. 

But I am SO happy that I got out. I am SO happy that soon I will be able to love again. And I am so happy that for the first time in my life, I did what I needed to do for me. I have no regrets about closing that door. And I cannot wait for when the next door opens, revealing a surprise inside. Maybe it will be what I have always been waiting for. Maybe it will be the door to change my life. 

reflection

Today I have been reflective. Introspective. Sad. I have cried a few times. I miss him. But then I wonder is it him I miss - or the idea of him? To be determined in the upcoming weeks I am sure. For the most part I am doing okay. Evenings have gotten easier. Tears fall less often. I have developed a new rhythm for my life. 

But then out of nowhere ... BAM! I will be suddenly hit with saddness. A memory of him. An unanswered question. A song that speaks to my soul. And all of the emotions I have gotten over - or so I thought - come flooding back to me. It is one hell of a roller coaster ride.

I may never understand why things fell apart so quickly that fateful October evening. I may never understand why he could not muster up the truth. How do you go from being comfortable with someone to being absolute strangers. It still blows my mind.

I guess one chapter ended. Now it is time to write a new one. Time will tell what new beginnings await in this new one...

Pieces of the Puzzle

Sundays are the hardest. At this point, I am not really sure why. It has been almost two months since we broke up. That is five or six Sundays that I have spent on my own. They do not seem to get easier though.

I have been feeling sad today. I went to lunch with my cousins. The majority of the conversation was about their significant others. I had nothing to contribute to the conversation, because I have no significant other. The chatter made me reflect on the person I loved. The person I shared my life with. The stories I used to tell about him. I am not jealous. I am okay with their significant others joining, or with them sharing details about their relationships. It is still hard though. 

Driving home from Silver Spring, I sobbed. I thought of how years past, this was the day that Mike would travel home from New York. He would call me around 6 or 7AM in the morning to let me know he was leaving out. Typically, he would return to the area by 1 or 2PM. I would wait anxiously ... excited to reunite with my guy. To see him. To smell him. To be in his presence again.

Call it foolish. But today I kept looking at my phone. Half hoping it would ring and be a call from him, telling me that he had made it home safely. The call never came. I saw a photograph on facebook of him and the other Mikes. They were gearing up to attend a concert in Baltimore tonight. Seeing those old familiar faces, in that old familiar space (the Mets themed basement) choked me up. No longer will I be a part of that circle. No longer will I spend my evenings in that space.

Fantasizing about a time no more, I thought to myself ... had we still been together ... I would be down in that basement right now with Sadie curled up next to me. I would be watching TV eagerly awaiting Michaelś return to the house. I would maybe even fall asleep, only to be woken by him ... calling me to come upstairs to bed. Those were the days.

I am still so unbelievably confused. In all fairness ... he told me from the beginning that he needed counseling. That he had difficulty with emotions and feelings. That he could not give me what I needed. I ignored and overlooked those statements. I glanced the other way when his actions and/or behaviors suggested such as well. I take full responsibility in that. I made a choice. And that choice ended up burning me in the tooosh. But if even for one moment in time, what we had felt real. It had to have been. 

I can recall kisses ... that electrified my soul. Hugs that made me feel alive. I remember gazing into his eyes and feeling a spark deep within my inner being. I know he had to have felt that too. So how and when did our relationship run itś course? Is it because the fire really died out? Or is it because he emotionally checked out in effort to guard his heart? And why didn´t I leave the countless times he showed himself to be emotionally unavailable? So many times he showed those cards. And I convinced myself that I was different. That this time it would be different.

Whenever the fire died for him, whenever he checked out ... why didn´t he say so? How long was he going to wait or go without saying something? Without telling me the truth? That had to have been challenging and/or painful for him... to play a role in a play he had no desire to be a male lead in.

I just sit here stupified. Dumbfounded. Hurt. 

I do not want him back. I do not think I could do that ... whatever that was again. Knowing what I know now ... I cant. I wont. I want that door to stay shut now that I have escaped it. I go the closure I longed for. The closure I needed.

But what continues to haunt me at night is the fact that I never mattered. I meant nothing to him. That he lied. I feel so abused. So taken advantage of. So confused. I thought he was my friend. I thought I could trust him. He let me down. He proved me wrong. That saddens me the most. The fact that yet again, I was not worth someone´s love. That someone did not recognize my worth ... when I recognized theirs. That I was not worth the truth, or the fight. That I was not worth it. 

I will never understand that. I hope with time I can move past it. Forget it. This season of singleness - albeit lonliness - is tough. I have cried more than I have liked. My heart has heaved more than I can keep count. The pieces of the puzzle are scattered and broken. And I do not think it will be possible to put the pieces back together again. So I will leave them scattered on the floor. All that I can do now is sweep them up and throw them out. I guess they were never worth anything anyway.

New Beginnings

So Sean McKenzie is a father to a little boy named Jameson. His pictures radiate happiness, love and joy. Pretty cool that he found his happily ever after, and that they have started a family together.

Today I moved out the last of my things from Michael Terwilliger´s house. I got choked up a couple of times. Stood in the kitchen for a good 5 minutes taking in the scenery. I think I did the same thing too in the bedroom and outside of the house. 

It is amazing how my life has played out so far.

11 years ago, I just knew I was going to marry Sean. He was going to be my one and only. He was the love of my life. At that time, little did I know that that dream would unravel and the book of life would write a different ending. 

4 years ago, I bumped into Mike at a barbeque. There was an instant connection. As time passed, I hoped that he would be the one I would marry. He fulfilled several of the boxes on my checklist. Little did I know that by November 2017, we would no longer be together. Little did I know that the life I hoped to build with him would end up being a glass house only to come shattering down to the ground.

It is amazing how life plays out. I am happy for Sean - I think it is pretty cool that he has entered a new chapter of his life. I am sad for Mike and I ... I wonder these days if I would have been better off never meeting him. If our barbeque interaction had stayed only that ... an interaction ... how much happier would I be today? Maybe I would have been with my happily ever after by now.

I am not really sure what to think about the chapter of Mike. I am so angry. I am so sad. I am so confused. Many days I wake up and think - that entire chapter was a lie. At least (for a period of time), I knew that Sean loved me. I am not really sure what Mike thought of me. I know he never loved me. I am not so sure why he kept me around as long as he did. 

The biggest lesson I have learned from the past month of grieving is ... I knew from day one that it was never going to work out with Mike. The possibility of forever never existed. I wanted it to. I thought I could change him. I thought I could be the one. If he were given time and all of my love, that maybe he would change for me. I was foolish and nieve. I should have left him and the relationship alone. All of the signs were there. And yet I foolishly continued on loving him and trying to build a life together. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I have failed. Not only in this relationship, but I have failed myself because I knew better.

At this point in time, I do not care to ever speak to him ever again. I wish him all of the best - but I desire no contact. Our friendship died along with our relationship. There is nothing left there. I have nothing left to say. We have nothing left in common, except for the faint and fading memories of yesterday. As I often do for every other trauma in my life, I hope to black out this period of my life as a coping mechanism to move forward and let go. If I forget him and that period of life ... then I can move forward and pursue new beginnings without baggage.

I often wonder what he is thinking or feeling. Does he miss me/our relationship? Did he think it was real? Did he ever value me or the relationship? Does he have any regrets? Will he remember me long after this period of time passes?

I will never have the answers to those questions. Probably for the better. I am convinced that he is not capable of feeling anything because he is and was always emotionally unavailable. I will soon be replaced with another dumb woman or another Anderson of sorts. That is fine. I will replace him too. Just you wait and see ... itś only a matter of time. 

I am hurt so I spit out hate and spitefulness. His feelings mean nothing to me. I could care less. 

Here is to new beginnings. And not staring at closed doors. Fuck those four years of my life. Those four stupid years of my life. I wish I could erase them. I wish I could erase Michael Terwilliger from my thoughts and my memories. You are dead to me. 

Heavy Realization

This morning I woke up with a heavy realization settling in.

He is not coming back. Our relationship IS over.

We are taught that guys go after what they want. They will call if they are interested. They will reach out if they are interested. They will make the effort, if they are interested. If they are not doing any of the aforementioned things, then they are not into you.

I think it is time that I swallow that pill. He is not that into me. It is unfortunate that our relationship fell apart so unexpectedly. But his actions do not lie. He did not come after me. He did not try to reach out. He was done and that was his escape. The sooner I stop romanticizing and dreaming of a different ending, perhaps the sooner I can move on and find someone who WILL make the effort.

It is unfortunate that this story ends this way. In time - perhaps I will truly pick up the pieces and move on. I long for that day. I no longer want to be prisoner to my heart and my romanticized dreams.

I will never understand why things fall into place or fall apart the way that they do. But for today, I guess I am done trying to understand too.

Singing off.