I resolve today to keep my eyes on God for I am not where I used to be.

I attended church for the first time in a very LONG time on Saturday. It was on my heart ... my spirit man told me that I needed to go hear the word of God.

Growing up, going to church was a part of every week. On Sunday mornings, we would wake up and put on our Sunday best. My family would attend Sunday School followed by the 11AM morning worship service. After church, there would often be fellowship on the lawn. My grandparents lived in the community our church was located in, so our family would gather at their house after church for a Sunday lunch. I have fond memories from my childhood of attending children's church (of which my mother was the director) and Sunday School (which my father taught). I sang in the children's choir and participated in the church youth group. My weekends were devoted to church and learning the word of God.

When I got into high school, I became very involved in sports. I had practices throughout the week and competitions on Saturday. By default, Sunday became my day of rest and catching up on homework. The older I got, the less my parents fought me about my attendance in church. When I got to college, going to church was non-existent in my life. I never found a church home in Baltimore, and the friends that I hung out with were not big Christians. Looking back, it's amazing how life gets in the way of what's important. How it is so easy to grow away from the church and the word of God.

To this day, I am quick to tell people (in particular, my very religious Grandparents who are dissatisfied with my "heathen" ways) that although I am not a regular attendee at a church, the word of God is close to my heart. I was raised in the church and a God-fearing family. The seed was planted at an early age, and no matter where I go or what I do - the word of God is rooted deep within me. I often reassure my grandparents that I cannot forget where I came from, and that I have found my own way to connect and communicate with Christ.

However, at what point are my excuses and lines not okay? At what point are they insignificant and futile? Every year, I make a resolution to grow closer to God. More specifically, I resolve to attend church more regularly and to read the word daily. I also resolve to talk to God, to set aside time for him daily. I mean, I read Joel Osteen's emails daily - doesn't that count for something? I say my prayers when I wake up in the morning and I will mutter "Thank You Jesus" when he clearly has done something for me during the day. I'd like to think that I am doing something of purpose there.

But in my heart, I know that I need to become connected to him again. I need to do more than reading an email from Joel Osteen while I am brushing my teeth in the morning, or saying prayers as I drive to work. The dilemma is, I cling to what I have grown to know. I make excuses and I try to justify my behaviors. I say I need to sleep in on Sunday's because I work Monday - Saturday. I go out and party Saturday nights, and say I need to use Sunday to catch up on work and laundry and house cleaning. I say I no longer have a church home and I am *searching.* I say that I have no friends who will go with me, therefore I do not go. I say many things, but the truth is I am not proactively doing anything about changing my walk in order to grow closer to HIM.

So I attended church Saturday. The church I attend at least three times a year, has both Saturday and Sunday services. I choose to have a *chill* weekend where I just enjoyed quality time with myself. And on Saturday evening, I felt it was appropriate and necessary to go to church. The message was incredible and right on time. The pastor talked about what we need to do to prepare for "God to come down" into our lives. He talked about being specific in our prayers. To pay attention to our problems and our pain, as that's God's way of calling our attention to the areas in our lives that need mending. He talked about praying and meditating, so that we pray for things in our lives that align with the direction that God wants to take us in. The message was powerful and right on time!

I am struggling in so many areas of my life right now. Most specifically, I am frustrated with my lack of confidence these days and my hesitance to speak up when I need to. I want so badly to be self-confident and outspoken on the job, in my relationships, in my new ventures. Yet at this time in my life, I am not. I *think* I see my coworkers and friends growing frustrated with me. I feel as though people are taking advantage of me. I am trapped inside of my own mind, my thoughts, my skin. I want to break free and to be this courageous, strong, purposeful woman. However, Saturday's message has made me realize that I need to be in prayer. These areas of weakness or character flaws are obviously my pains and problems that Pastor Dale spoke of. Now I need to ask God to direct my steps, to help me continue to grow spiritually and professionally ... individually.

If I had one New Year's Resolution at the moment, I think I hit two nails with one hammer. It's funny how God has perfect timing ... lost in my thoughts this evening, contemplating many of the words I just typed above ... I stumbled across these words on facebook: "You may not be where you want to be, but you can look back and thank God you’re not where you used to be." In the very moment that I read those words, I realized God had succeeded in catching my attention. The magnitude and meaning of those words are so powerful. In the midst of my little storm, HE reminded me that I may not be where I want ... but I am not where I used to be.

Everyday is a journey. We take two steps forward sometimes, and one step back. But the beauty in this journey is that, today ... we are not were we used to be. It is that God is a loving God and one who gives us second chances. It is that every day we can start something new. I cannot promise that I will be faithfully attending church every Sunday now or that my prayers will be answered in the time sense that I would like. However, I resolve today to keep my eyes on God and to take assurance in the fact - I am not where I used to be.