life is not going to be the same

As another year comes and goes, I find myself sitting in the middle of train tracks that can take me each and every direction I could possibly imagine. The only problem is, I am not confident about the train track I should head down on.

It has been two years since Sean and I have officially broken up. It has most likely been three or so years since we were involved in a serious relationship. We have both grown up, grown apart and developed new chapters to our life stories.

I can confidently look back over my four or five years with him, and see how I fell in love, lost myself completely and then found myself all over again. It is truly amazing to be able to be a witness to my own personal struggles, triumphs and progress.

I have teetered tottered on whether or not I should wait around for Sean or move on with my life. I have spent countless nights contemplating what I feel for him and where we stand with one another. I think his being away at boot camp has been the BEST thing to EVER happen to me. It has given me a chance to do so many things and process so many thoughts and feelings.

I recognize that I Sean is my safety zone. My comfort. My familiarity. I could not tell you if I was or was not in love with him anymore. I cannot honestly say that I want to marry him or spend my life with him. I have not the slightest clue if he is in love with me or even wants to begin a life by my side. But the real truth is, I do not feel like asking these questions anymore.

What I do know is I care about Sean and want the best for him. He will always have a place in my heart as my first love … the one who took my breath away for the very first time. No one can ever replace him or the memories we created and shared together.

But today is a new day. I am going to choose a road to go down … I hope that from this point forward, my life is not going to be the same.