HIM. HE. YOU. < 3

If I could tell HIM one thing ... it would be that I am attracted to his personality and that I feel we have several things in common.

HE is the first guy in a VERY long time to catch my eye ... and I am giddy with revelations as I continue to learn more about him. I admire his passion for teaching and the green in his eyes. I like the way he is roots for the underdog and helps all of the people he loves.

I think it's cool how he loves music and has a wide knowledge base of TV shows, music and norms customary of African American culture. I like how he is a runner and is in love with his pup. I also like that he has a sense of humor and undeniable energy to keep moving.

I think it's awesome that he's started a blog - it shows me another side of him, one that I do not get to see when I am in person with him. I like that he wants to travel the world (and already has). That he is older, therefore a bit wiser and deeper then most guys I've had the fortune (or misfortune) of dating.

I am absolutely in like with HIM ... but I do not think he has any clue.

And to be quite honst, I am not sure if he has the same feelings for me.

To be perfectly honest, I am scared of putting myself out there one hundred percent. I know I should or else I will look back and have regrets. However, I get paralyzed within my own fear and freeze up. I must do the ONE thing I think I cannot do ... yet I do not do it.

In a perfect world, I wish he would pursue me ... listen to me talk for hours about the depths of my soul ... cuddle with my for endless hours watching chic flicks ... always want to hang out and hang on my every word. I would want for him to think about me ALL day. Text me thoughtless somethings all day long. Tell me I am beautiful. Tell me I am sexy. Kiss me on my forehead. Say how much he likes me. Say what he likes about me. Be totally and absolutely emotionally available to me.

But HE is a guy. Perhaps even a MAN. And I am probably foolish to believe that a man would do such things. There once was someone who would ... but that was a fairytale with an unfortunate ending anyway.

So I get lost in my thoughts [and fantasies] and struggle with remaining in the present. At some moments, it's hard to depict my fantasy from reality.

If I could tell YOU one thing ... it's that I am not looking for a husband right now. I am not even looking for love. But I am looking for the companionship of someone who I care about, and who maybe feels feelings of care for me. I am looking to get to know YOU better and to build the foundation of a very strong friendship - because if nothing else, I admire and look up to you. I want to feel connected - physically, socially and emotionally with you.

I want to *date* you without the official title right now.

Is that what we have been doing? I do not even know. I think you're interested on some level ... but are you romantically interested? Interested enough to get to know me deeper. To care about me deeper? I do not know.

So I write my thoughts out to you ... here ... and hope that one day I gain the courage and confidance to share them with you.

Make a Radical Change ...

“Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.” ― Jon Krakauer

25 in twenty-five

I will be 26 in less than SEVEN months! Yahoo! It is CRAZY to think about how quickly my 25th year of life is going by. With the start of a new year, below is a list of things I would like to accomplish by my last day of being 25.

Let's see if I can cross off all these items on my list!!

1. Go to a Country Concert. 
2. Go to a professional Hockey Game.
3. Go to a professional Baseball Game. 
4. Hike Old Rag.
5. Run a 15 K. 
6. Run a half marathon.
7. Save Money! 
8. Grow professionally.
9. Learn to play the guitar.
10. Budget my money.
11. Find balance between school, work and play.
12. Visit a Museum. 
13. Travel to a place I've never been within the country.
14. Travel outside of the country.
15. Learn to cook new dishes! 
16. Step outside of my comfort zone.
17. Fall in Love.
18. Do community service.
19. Make a difference in the life of a friend.
20. Be kinder and less judgemental.
21. Continue to eat clean.
22. Speak my mind.
23. Learn how to be savvy with my money when shopping. 
24. Buy a puppy.
25. Be a better friend, sister, daughter, teacher, person.

My Creed for 2014

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever." - Neil Gaiman

New Year's Resolutions for 2014

1. Make Mistakes.
2. Stop worrying about the unknown.
3. Be Myself. Love Myself.
4. LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.
5. Find balance with work, school, play.
6. Do my best. That is enough.
7. Stop trying to be perfect. I am right where I need to be.
8. Let go and embrace learning on the way.

Happy New Year! Excited to see what's in store for Twenty Fourteen.

Merry Christmas!

Live and Let Be

I think I am having an identity crisis.

How is it that I have everything a girl could ever imagine - or want for - yet I find myself feeling lost, empty, hopeless and confused? I am not sure if I should chalk these emotions up to the changes in weather, season or in my life.

Regardless, I am feeling worried and panicked! I have no clue what to do or how to shake these feelings.

I swear I have these crises at least twice a year ... is this normal?

I worry and I worry some more. Then I think and over think. I boast then I cower. I stand tall then I bend over. I walk confidently then I doubt. It's the Christina Tango and I wish I knew how to stop the music for this dance.

Why is it that I am twenty-five years old, and I still feel as lost and confused as I did as a thirteen year old girl? Naturally my confusion is different and my location <at which I am lost> has changed. Yet, I cannot help but feel that I should have it all figured out by now. And the crazy thing is I do not.

It's December 1st ... and we are thirty days shy of a New Year. I am looking forward to the New Year - I have several resolutions that I'd like to put into practice. With thirty days of 2013 left, however, I cannot help but start reflecting over my past year of life and recognizing that in many ways, I do not like the person I have become ... the person that I am.

How do I fix that? How do I learn to love myself for exactly who I am? What is wrong with me? I swear I am in the only person this crazy ... this insane.

I feel vulnerable ALL the time. I feel like I am walking down the wrong paths at every turn. I feel like I took two wrong left turns, and my map blew away with the winds of life - that seem to sweep through my dusty corridors ever so often.

At what age does one wake up and say -- I know who I am. I know WHOSE I am. And I am okay with that?

If I could have a wish for Christmas, it would be to love myself for exactly who I am. To be fearless and live each day to the fullest. My wish would be that I was confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. That I am equipped with the tools and people ... the resources I need to do the job I have been given at this very moment. I wish that I would let go and be carefree! That I would LIVE ... LIVE ... and stop trying to be in control of EVERYTHING. My wish would be that I make mistakes. Get messy. Recognize that no one is perfect, including myself. And I wish that I would take more chances, because what do I really have to loose?

Perhaps I'll find myself on THAT path in life one day soon. I truly hope I find myself on that path.

It's really a shame that I do not see myself as others see me. That I lack that inner confidence ... where did it go? Where is that Christina that I once knew? On which street, turn, curve did she get lost? And how do I get her to come back?

How do I get her to come back? How do I shed this current reality, for a new one? How do I get my Christmas wish to come true?

I need to let go ... let go ... let go. It's okay not to be in control of everything. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to get your heart broken or your feelings hurt. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to live - to live - to live.

And that's the balance I am trying to achieve ... to know whose I am. Who I am. To live and let be.