photo shoot - sneak peak

September 2012 - Harris Siblings

Christina - 24. Tony - 16. Michelle - 21.

Me - 24 Years Old - September 2012

THE BEST THING EVER

A old friend and former college buddy sent me an email tonight that was incredible! It was the EXACT thing I needed to read to remind myself to put things into perspective ... that I can restore peace and happiness in my life. And that the storms in life will not weigh me down forever. The email was as follows below: 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. 

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. 

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' 

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed.. 

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

What a powerful lesson. "The sand is everything else - the small stuff." My life will still be full with my family, my health, my favorite passions ... my dearest friends. But if I spent all my time and energy on the small things in life, then I would never have any room for the things that are important to me. It is still INCREDIBLE to me, how God works. No doubt, there was a reason why that email landed in my mailbox. And I am glad that it did. Here's to yet another day of trying to set my priorities straight ... to the things that really matter.

Get A Grip Girl

I had an interesting day today. I cried a lot. Prayed a lot. Did self-talk a lot and Reflected a lot. I am at the beginning of my journey to find myself again - to become comfortable in my own skin, under these new and unfamiliar circumstances. I messaged one of my friends today for advice ... in a moment that I felt so frustrated and low. 

She said the following below: 

I get it everything around you is changing and you're having trouble making sense of everything. But at the end of the day you need to wake up and say, "I like Christina Harris" and acknowledge that you're happy with where you are and what you're doing in life. Because once you get to a certain age people are going to come and go. And that's okay. All of them serve a purpose in your life. What matters is that you're trying to make yourself a better person and you're doing what you enjoy. Everything else is just stuff. I just learned a very valuable lesson about saying, "No." And it has been liberating. Sometimes we have to go through things that suck or times where we don't feel ourselves in order to learn something. Isn't that what it's all about? Learning something new.    

Perhaps I need to really reflect on those words ... on what greater meaning they have when put together. I suppose the bottom line is this: I cannot control everything or everyone. Even if I do EVERYTHING right, things will still find a way to fall apart sometimes. I should not stress about anyone or anything that does not work out. There is no point in agonizing over it and having sleepless nights or emotional breakdowns.

I truly appreciate the advice my friend gave me. This journey will be by no means easy, but I am determined to get a grip. Would it be too much to say: I need to let go and let God? 

Quarter Life Crisis

The title of my blog is One Year to a Quarter Life Crisis. At one point in time, it was titled something entirely different. And to be honest, I could not tell you the former title if my life depended on it. What I do know is, I entitled my blog One Year to a Quarter Life Crisis because I am in fact ... ONE year away from my QUARTER year of life. Yes ... this time next year, I will be 25 years old. And if I did not know any better, I have been going through my quarter life crisis for the past year or two ... or maybe even three. 

Over the course of the last one or two or three years, I have began to realize many things about myself that I did not know and do not like. I feel insecure EVERY SINGLE DAY and in EVERY SINGLE WAY; and I am worried about where I will be in a few years ... because let's be real, what is this place I find myself in now? 

I have come to realize the SCARIEST thing one could possibly have the fortune of realizing: the friends I thought I was close to ... yeah, well I am not close to many of them anymore. I have also began to realize that some of those friends I have lost touch with, I have lost touch with because of something I have said or done in a moment of selfishness (and narrow mindedness <---- is that even a word?).  I am concerned that in two years, I will have NO friends - or rather, none that I can truly confide in or feel connected to anyway. 

My opinions have gotten stronger and I now have boundaries in my life, that define what is acceptable and what is not. Literally, one minute I am feeling secure. And in a heartbeat, I am feeling insecure. I cry myself to sleep many nights ... as I feel so alone, scared AND (to make matters worse) confused. I despise change with all my might and I find myself holding on to my past for dear life. Funny that my past, which was once so familiar and comforting, is now drifting further and further away. 

I muse everyday, why I have yet to meet someone decent enough. Why I continue to attract guys who I am simply not interested in. If my standards are too high, or the guys who are pursuing me are just not worth settling for. I go through the SAME song and dance (specifically known as emotions & questions) every single freaking day. Heck! I am terrified that I will NEVER find my way off this merry-go-round. Over and OVER and over ... these emotions and questions go around and around. 

I feel so embarrassed about all of this too! I feel like I cannot tell these fears and thoughts to my girlfriends, or else they will be annoyed or judge me. I worry about paying off my loans and having enough money to pay my bills. I worry about finding myself in a predicament where I have to move home again because I cannot afford living on my own. 

But like my blog subtitle states: We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this thing out. I have GOT to be experiencing my quarter life crisis. I am one year away, and I am already going through. And #1 question is - will these feelings, emotions and thoughts last forever? Will I figure this all out? Or will I live in misery for the rest of my life ... because I am having a life crisis? 

One. Year. To. A. Quarter. Life Crisis.

Be Still

Be still, and know that I am God. —Psalm 46:10

The Hebrew word for still means “to cease striving.” It’s the concept of putting your hands down and letting God intervene in your situation without your interference. This word picture is interesting, since we often use our hands to push things out of our way, to protect ourselves, or to strike back. When we drop our hands, it makes us feel defenseless and vulnerable—unless we can trust that “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (v.1). 

In the face of all of life’s circumstances, we can know the peace of trusting the presence and power of God in the midst of trouble as we wait patiently and prayerfully for His deliverance. So drop your hands, for God’s hands are busy on your behalf! —Joe Stowell

I had yet another rough day ... my thoughts and emotions are doing a number on me. I have been feeling so down and out about several things lately. I am worried that this is a foreshadow of the months to come. When it's colder and darker outside, the blues often rear their ugly head. I think that part of my difficulty is that I like to be in control of EVERYTHING. 

I have this idea in my mind of how I want things to fall into place. And currently, many of these *ideas* are not falling into place as I wish. Therefore, I become bent out of shape and frustrated. I read the above scripture yesterday, and it remained on my mind this evening. I need to find peace in knowing that God is my refuge and strength. I have been feeling "vulnerable" and "exposed" .. but I need to trust that God is here to help me fight my battles and find peace again :o).

Tomorrow is a new day - and I am going to treat it as such. Here's to fresh starts and new beginnings ... and to being still. 

Have Your Way

“Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul. Lord have Your way in me.”

- I Surrender - Hillsong

Timing

tim·ing  /ˈtīmiNG/  Noun

1. The choice, judgement, or control of when something should be done.
2. A particular point or period of time when something happens.

Perfect timing is rare - where humans are concerned. But HIS timing is always perfect. Think about these words for a moment. Timing. I believe there is a reason why God led me to read these words. I read this passage from Our Daily Bread earlier in the week, and thought what a powerful message. This morning I woke up, and the first thing I happened to stumble across - again - while checking emails was the passage above. TIMING. 

My past week was all about TIME. Every night I went to bed a a timely hour (11pm) so that I could get enough sleep. Every morning I woke up at a timely hour (6am) so that I could get ready for the day in a timely manner. I left my house on time - to arrive to school on time. While teaching small reading groups and pulling my students for math instruction, I closely monitored the time. At lunch and during planning, I was aware of the time. At the end of the school day, I would check the time to determine how long I had to plan for reading and then mathematics. At 6pm, I would leave the building to head home and keep an eye on the time as I cooked dinner, or watched television or did laundry. TIME. I can honestly say that my timing did not always work out in the manner at which I had hoped. I was late at least one of the days this week to work. There was a night that I went to bed later than usual to watch a television show. There was a time that I missed most of a meeting at work, because I had forgotten to look up at the time. Perfect timing is rare where humans are concerned. 

Can I tell you HOW MANY TIMES something occurred this week, that made me stop dead in my tracks and think, "Was that you God?" Whether it was the timely g chat message from a college roommate, or the unexpected visit from my best friend, or the surprise email from former co-workers about joining them for happy hour. Perfect timing is rare - where humans are concerned. But HIS timing is always perfect. So what am I to think when a friend tells me unexpectedly that she is pregnant (five weeks to be exact) and that she is considering terminating the pregnancy because the TIMING is not right. That she has to make her TIMELY decision before she reaches nine weeks. What am I to think? 

tim·ing: The choice of when something should be done

Perfect timing is RARE where humans are concerned. She made the choice to have sexual intercourse with her boyfriend without using ANY form of birth control. At least a month ago, she spoke of her desire to have children NOW. I have heard her say many TIMES that she wants to be a mom before the age of 25. I told her yesterday, "Be careful of what you wish for. You ask and you shall receive." I am so conflicted as to what to think or feel. I have always been pro choice, yet I held that viewpoint under the extreme belief that people who have abortions are rape victims. That these ladies should have the choice to choose whether or not they would like to keep the child. I truly never considered that women - who make the conscious choice to have sexual intercourse every day- should have the choice to terminate a pregnancy if they accidentally get pregnant and the TIMING is not perfect. 

I have no clue what my friend is going to do. For one thing, she has told far too many people that she is pregnant. For another, her boyfriend is extremely excited about the prospect of having a child. Either decision that she makes will have long lasting consequences on her life; and the length of time that these choices impact her life will be for eternity, of that I am sure. It is times like these that I wish she had a relationship with God. That I could tell her - although the timing is not perfect - perhaps God has a perfect plan and a purpose for this child's life. I wish that I could tell her, "All things work together for good to those . . . who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) I am not sure, however, that the concept of these words - the meaning behind them - would hold much weight for her. 

What I do know is: Perfect timing is rare - where humans are concerned. But HIS timing is always perfect. And all things work together for good to those, who are called according to his purpose.