[regret]

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. 

FAMILY - Christmas 2011

New Year's Resolutions: 2012

1. I want to talk less about others and more about myself. I have a bad habit for gossiping about other people, and not telling enough information about myself (so that people can really get to know me). I want to stop gossiping about other's shortcomings and start giving others a chance to get to know the real me.
   
2. I want to value friends and family more. I also want to treat them the way I would like to be treated. This goes hand in hand with talking less about the shortcomings of others, but rather appreciating what it is a person has to offer.
   
3. I want to go to church more and grow closer to God. I fight it so often ... but why am I fighting it? I need to learn to let go and let god ... let's see where he will take me this year.
   
4. I want to workout at least three times a week ... consistently. I have found that exercising is one of the best stress relievers. My end goal is to run a 5K in June. I know I can do it if I stick my mind to it.

Reality Check

Solomon’s life reminds us that it’s important to find joy in “ordinary” things, for they are indeed wonderful. Bigger is not always better. More is not always an improvement. Busier doesn’t make us more important.

Rather than look for meaning in breathtaking moments, we should find meaning in every breath we take, and make every breath meaningful. 

The Story of My Life ... Currently

“Being Twenty-Something?"

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. 

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. 

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. 

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. 

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. 

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. 

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! 

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

23 Things I've Learned...

1. Everything in life happens for a reason ... 
2. Live in the MOMENT. 
3. Continue to push forward. As you continue pushing eventually everything will fall into place. Never give up..
4. first love is the sweetest ... but it surely cuts the deepest
5. it is important to never let success go to your head ... or failure to your heart
6. passion is not what you're good at ... it is what you enjoy the most :o)
7. Love is absolutely eternal. Even if you 'break up' with someone you love, you will still have a connection and love for them for ever.
8. God chooses what we go through. We choose how we go through it.
9. Always value who you are. Enjoy your uniqueness. Don't compare yourself with others and put yourself down. Be true to yourself.
10. The way to multiply the blessings in your life is to start giving praise for the blessings that u already HAVE! 
11. "In the end, everything will be ok. And if it's not ok, it's not the end."
12. Relationships are the number 1, by far, the most important part of life. Without relations with others, we would have nothing. Therefore, put those as your main priority in life. Everything else is secondary.
13. Realize who the real people in your life are and beware of who isn't... You might be surprised at the answer either way...
14. Never let others see you sweat. Be like a duck: calm on top, but paddling like hell underneath! 
15. When something is right for you, you will know.
16. Keep integrity::: You are who you are when no ones looking. 
17. When people show you who they are, believe them. 
18. The 5 people you spend the most amount of time with will determine how far you go in life
19. You can never be lonely if you love the person you're alone with. Learn to love yourself before you love others. 
20. “To have a good friend is one of the highest delights in life; to be a good friend is one of the noblest and most difficult undertakings.”
21. And it's the truth that everything you've always wanted will come to you the second you stop looking for it.
22. We are never satisfied with what we have. We want what we can't have and take the things we do have for granted.
23. The way you treat people is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.

intervention

I need an intervention.

Sean is coming home in less than three weeks and he will be home for the month of December. Note: I only know this because I am a MASTER facebook stalker. Regardless, since Halloween ... he has STOPPED calling me and texting me. All forms of communication have stopped. Funny thing is, this is exactly what I wanted almost a month ago. But it is amazing how constant phone calls, and uttered "I Love Yous" can make a girl go a little stir crazy when she no longer hears the words anymore. What's more is I am convinced that Sean is about to begin dating Rachel Story (a friend of his from college). She is ALWAYS writing on his wall which tells me he must be writing on hers.

Folks, we are coming up on three years that I have not been with this kid. I have made so much progress and come so far! Yet why do I seem to find myself still grieving and hanging on to something that is no longer mine? I can tell you verbally that I no longer love him and I realize that I deserve someone so much better than him. Yet, I sit here wishing, hoping and silently praying that maybe today will be the day that I get a phone call from him. Maybe today he will confess his love for me and make a change for the better. I will never understand our current relationship or why he keeps me stumped.

Ideally, I want to begin dating again. I am so bored with my love life right now. I want to go out on a date! I want to have options out there. I want to fall in love again. I want, I want, I WANT! But apparently God does not agree with my wants and is not giving them to me. WHY GOD!? What do you have planned for me? Tell me ... because I am frustrated that my plans are not coming together. Selfish of me, I know. But I am ONLY human and this is my blog ... so I am allowed to vent :o)

But seriously, I need an intervention. All I want for Christmas is a honest to god potential date. Actually scratch that. I feel like the holidays are a TERRIBLE time to begin dating someone. I am not trying to meet family or become all emotional and clingy. So perhaps, after Valentine's day? HAHA

If I only I knew the plans that you have for me oh lord ... if only I knew.