[frustrated.com]

I have been single for ... well ... maybe four years. During this time, I have struggled to get over the break-up with my first love. I have created profiles on dating websites, only to go to dinner and be uninterested in the men I said "yes" to. I have drunkenly made out with several guys on the dance floor in the bars my girlfriends and I have gone to. I have even explored the possibility of making guy *friends* more than just friends, only to realize I am not attracted to them OR that their lives are not going in the direction that mine is.

The first two years was really difficult. I was depressed and cried a lot. I ripped the band-aid off of my bleeding heart many times, only to re-injure that vital organ and place the band-aid right back on it. I lived in a fantasy world and had unrealistic dreams about where I would be by this point in my life ... who I would be dating or married to ... the happiness that I would feel. I look back on those first two years with a tender respect and appreciation for the struggle I went through and the wisdom it provided me with.

The past two years have been better. I have slowly but surely grown into myself. I have become content with who I am and where I am in life. I have done things I never imagined possible. I have found an inner strength within me ... a quiet confidence ... that I had forgotten about when my heart was broken into two. I have worked so hard at becoming the best teacher I can be in the workplace. I have worked so hard at being able to provide for myself, now that I am living on my own. I have worked SO HARD at being content as a single woman and finding happiness in weekends out with my girlfriends.

In fact, I AM content being single and I am happy. Yet the world seems to feel sorry for me. My coworkers and friends are ALWAYS trying to set me up with blind dates or a friend of a friend of a friend, whom may be a good match for me. They look at me with such pity when they find out I have no weekend plans or that I have not dated a guy since this time last year. They feel such concern for me when they realize I have not been with a guy in months if not years. They become an iron vault when I ask them how their relationships are going and say "Oh! It's fine." It's as though they feel that I cannot handle hearing about their love lives, because I currently do not have one of my own.

Recently, a couple of my girlfriends have gotten engaged. I am beyond excited for them and their fiances! But old coworkers and friends have started asking, "Christina, when are you getting engaged? You're next..." They dig for information about the men I <am NOT> dating and then for information about WHY <I am NOT> dating. They look at me as though I am weird or strange, when I happily report that I am embarking on starting my journey in grad school. That I am hyper focused on getting my degree and continuing to become the best teacher I know how to be. I walk away feeling like I am weird - and then I wonder, why am I single? Why haven't I found someone to settle down with? Why don't I enjoy dating just for the sake of dating? Why am I so guarded?

I mean for starters, it is SO difficult finding men around here. I work in a school with WOMEN. There are five male teachers - if even that - and they are all married. On the weekends, I go out to bars but let's be real, that is not the most ideal place to meet someone. Lately, old flames have been reappearing into my life. I have humored the idea of hanging out with them ... but then I ask myself - WHY!? - I am not really interested in them and obviously a relationship never worked in the past.

So I am currently [frustrated.com] as I do not know what to do or where to stand on the issue of love, dating and relationships. I know I should not let other people dictate how I feel or who I am dating ... but I am suddenly wondering myself ... how do I feel? And why am I not dating?