Perspective

I have spent the last hour or so browsing through all of the blog entries I have ever posted on this site. It is one of the most surreal and almost too real weekend reading experiences. Each entry has taken me down memory lane, through times that were uplifting and encouraging, and through moments that were frustrating and almost defeating. Some entries were poorly written. Many others made me realize how silly some of my problems seem now, when I look back on them. Other entries made me reflect on the value of having individuals in your life who will be honest and forthright with you.

I decided not to go out this evening, but to remain indoors and spend some quality time with myself relaxing, watching movies and *catching up* on school work. I have managed to do none of the previously listed "to-dos". I have spent a considerable amount of time in reflection, prayer and meditation about current happenings in both my professional and personal lives. I recognize that yet another season of change is standing on my doorstep, and I feel that I am ready right now to welcome this stranger in with welcome arms. The reality of my present day experiences are enough to convince me that it is time for a change, in how I am living my life and handling situations that are presented to me. I am ready to take a step in a new direction as the month of March marches on towards April.

In October, a dear friend of mine stated: 

"I get it everything around you is changing and you're having trouble making sense of everything. But at the end of the day you need to wake up and say, "I like Christina Harris" and acknowledge that you're happy with where you are and what you're doing in life. Because once you get to a certain age people are going to come and go. And that's okay. All of them serve a purpose in your life. What matters is that you're trying to make yourself a better person and you're doing what you enjoy. Everything else is just stuff. I just learned a very valuable lesson about saying, "No." And it has been liberating. Sometimes we have to go through things that suck or times where we don't feel ourselves in order to learn something. Isn't that what it's all about? Learning something new."    

Her words hold so much truth and wisdom. As I reflect on the current circumstances in my life, I recognize that I am at a place where people are coming and going. My relationships with friends have both evolved and faded. Individuals that I thought I would be friends with forever are no longer in my life. I have lost touch with them and have no clue as to where life has taken them. Other relationships continue to grow stronger, and I have learned to value these friendships way more than I may have in the past. 

In all areas of my life, I am learning the importance of saying NO when I am uncomfortable with something or when I do not agree. I have made some enemies when I have stood up for what I believe in, and although unfortunate, I am trying to embrace the quiet peace that comes with staying true to you and your morals.

There have been one too many days this past year already, that I have not felt like myself. Where I have been stretched and pulled and forced to learn something new. It is a frustrating and scary process, however I have yet to look back on one of these experiences and be unable to reflect on the positive changes and the wisdom the stretch gave me.

Moving forward into the last couple of weeks of March, I want to focus on these affirmations:

1. Only engage in relationships that make you feel uplifted.  Let go of the people who pull you down.
2. Make better use of your time.  Minimize your obligations to the most important tasks and get rid of all time-wasters.
3. Train your mind to think positively and look for the good in yourself and in the world.  Purge your mind of toxic thoughts and stop being self-destructive.
4. Try to improve your better habits and minimize your poor habits.  You will feel better about the person you are.
5. Be courageous!  Don't be afraid to walk against the crowd if your values don't align.  Live what you think is good!
6. Be real.  Live a noble life because that is who you are. Do away with facades and obsessions with reputation.  Live with dignity. 

Most importantly, here are some quotes that will help keep day to day trials and accomplishments in perspective:

“If you’re dealt a setback today, I ask you to treat it as an opportunity to get curious and learn about the experience. You won’t always know exactly where the chapter will head, but you’ll know that you’re moving forward with lessons learned, wisdom gained, and experiences to share.”―Antonio Neves

“The path you are traveling may be the more challenging one but don’t lose faith, don’t listen to the doubters, don’t let setbacks keep you down and most of all, don’t give up.” ―Chris Assaad

"God has a divine plan for your life. Like Peter, however, Jesus needs you to step out of the boat so that you may progress toward your greater purpose. The boat symbolizes your comfort zone. It is the place you return to when it appears God isn’t doing things when and how you planned. Resist the urge to be stuck. Get out of the boat!" - T.D. Jakes

The Things I Did in College

Sat on pool tables in the middle of a bar like a boss.

Walked uptown to the college bars during major snow events.

Supported friends in the Polar Bear Plunge <in the snow>

played in over 38 inches of snow during snowmaggedeon 2K10.

dressed up like a po-po for Halloween.

participated in Olympic events like wine racing.

participated in Olympic events like getting your brand new shoes stolen right off your feet [after wine racing] and trying to figure out the thief in the middle of your stupor. 

pretended I was a walrus. 

several times.

tried out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders ... er wait ... that was my Halloween getup.

pretended I was a valley girl for Halloween.

pierced my nose.

slept anywhere.

backed it up on any dance floor ... whether glass was there or not. 

sat in trashcans because I could.

took shots of things I had NO BUSINESS taking shots of.

pretended I was a viking ... on several occasions.

Oh how I miss college ... those were the BEST four years of my life! 

Snow Day

There is something so peaceful and sobering about being able to enjoy a snow day in the comfort of my own home. To be able to sleep in until noon and then move about my little apartment on my own schedule. To not have to worry about anyone else or be considerate of anyone else. To cook sausage and waffles for breakfast, and to leave my dirty dishes sitting in the sink. To waste away an hour stalking people on face book with the television playing in the background. To walk around in my PJ's that are still turned inside out, in hopes of school being cancelled (it worked).

I have been struggling lately with the reality that I live a different life than many of my friends. I do not have the luxury to go purchase a new coach purse whenever I feel like it or to buy a new pair of shoes. I cannot afford to eat dinner out at fancy places three times a week with girlfriends, and then purchase fancy, expensive drinks afterwards. I cannot attend every single social event or go on a shopping spree every single weekend. At one point I could ... but that was another lifetime, when I lived at home with my parents and had no financial responsibilities.

This new realization that I have to choose ONE event per week to participate in and I have to continuously say NO to friends about going here or there has been upsetting to me. But today, even if only for a couple of hours, I have a sudden peace about this new reality. How blessed am I to have this humble little abode to wake up in and share with no one but myself. The peace and solitude I find here is unparalleled. It is a blessing that not many people can say they have to enjoy these days - when the economy is so weak and financial difficulties are plentiful.

So as I watch white fluffy snowflakes tumble from the clouds down to the ground, I am going to relax in my little home and enjoy what it is that God has blessed me with. He is good to me and I am grateful for doors he has opened and the opportunities he has presented me with. Happy Wednesday everyone.

Movies I NEED to See ...

So ... I am not much of a movie watcher or a movie goer. To put this in perspective, within the past seven months, I have only seen TWO movies (Twilight 2 and Pitch Perfect). Anywho, I found my way to moviefone and started looking through the list of movies in theaters right now. Several of the movies caught my attention and made me realize: I NEED TO GO TO THE MOVIES! Thus I have compiled a list of movies I would like to see below ...

• Movie 43
• Zero Dark Thirty
• Les Miserables
• This is 40
• Silver Linings Playbook
• Skyfall 007
• Flight
• Argo
• Stand Up Guys
• As Luck Would Have It
• Django Unchained
• The Gatekeepers

Have any of you seen these movies? Which ones should be at the TOP of my list? 

my weekend in pictures.

I got into grad school and start classes this August! 

One of my best friends from college is <ENGAGED>!

So I hiked down to Baltimore this weekend for her engagement party! 

We had so much fun at the party with friends, food, drinks, laughs and good music. 

I always enjoy seeing my best friend Kitty
(who also happens to be the sister of the bride to be AND the maid of honor! )

Alison [bride to be in the green dress] and her bridesmaids

silly pictures with the bridesmaids and the mother of the bride/groom

I always enjoy spending time with Leishy 

(one of my roommates from college)

My weekend was blessed. I hope yours was too! 

[frustrated.com]

I have been single for ... well ... maybe four years. During this time, I have struggled to get over the break-up with my first love. I have created profiles on dating websites, only to go to dinner and be uninterested in the men I said "yes" to. I have drunkenly made out with several guys on the dance floor in the bars my girlfriends and I have gone to. I have even explored the possibility of making guy *friends* more than just friends, only to realize I am not attracted to them OR that their lives are not going in the direction that mine is.

The first two years was really difficult. I was depressed and cried a lot. I ripped the band-aid off of my bleeding heart many times, only to re-injure that vital organ and place the band-aid right back on it. I lived in a fantasy world and had unrealistic dreams about where I would be by this point in my life ... who I would be dating or married to ... the happiness that I would feel. I look back on those first two years with a tender respect and appreciation for the struggle I went through and the wisdom it provided me with.

The past two years have been better. I have slowly but surely grown into myself. I have become content with who I am and where I am in life. I have done things I never imagined possible. I have found an inner strength within me ... a quiet confidence ... that I had forgotten about when my heart was broken into two. I have worked so hard at becoming the best teacher I can be in the workplace. I have worked so hard at being able to provide for myself, now that I am living on my own. I have worked SO HARD at being content as a single woman and finding happiness in weekends out with my girlfriends.

In fact, I AM content being single and I am happy. Yet the world seems to feel sorry for me. My coworkers and friends are ALWAYS trying to set me up with blind dates or a friend of a friend of a friend, whom may be a good match for me. They look at me with such pity when they find out I have no weekend plans or that I have not dated a guy since this time last year. They feel such concern for me when they realize I have not been with a guy in months if not years. They become an iron vault when I ask them how their relationships are going and say "Oh! It's fine." It's as though they feel that I cannot handle hearing about their love lives, because I currently do not have one of my own.

Recently, a couple of my girlfriends have gotten engaged. I am beyond excited for them and their fiances! But old coworkers and friends have started asking, "Christina, when are you getting engaged? You're next..." They dig for information about the men I <am NOT> dating and then for information about WHY <I am NOT> dating. They look at me as though I am weird or strange, when I happily report that I am embarking on starting my journey in grad school. That I am hyper focused on getting my degree and continuing to become the best teacher I know how to be. I walk away feeling like I am weird - and then I wonder, why am I single? Why haven't I found someone to settle down with? Why don't I enjoy dating just for the sake of dating? Why am I so guarded?

I mean for starters, it is SO difficult finding men around here. I work in a school with WOMEN. There are five male teachers - if even that - and they are all married. On the weekends, I go out to bars but let's be real, that is not the most ideal place to meet someone. Lately, old flames have been reappearing into my life. I have humored the idea of hanging out with them ... but then I ask myself - WHY!? - I am not really interested in them and obviously a relationship never worked in the past.

So I am currently [frustrated.com] as I do not know what to do or where to stand on the issue of love, dating and relationships. I know I should not let other people dictate how I feel or who I am dating ... but I am suddenly wondering myself ... how do I feel? And why am I not dating?

Six Months until a Quarter Life Crisis

I just realized - as I was looking at the previous title of my blog <one year to a quarter life crisis> - that my half birthday was yesterday. Six months from today, I will be celebrating my 25th birthday! Therefore, I felt it was appropriate and necessary to change the title of my blog.

Age twenty-four has been a crazy ride so far! I have had some great months living on my own and some rough months with friendships and challenges on the job. Regardless, I have grown so much as a person and I have enjoyed a lot of unique experiences with friends and family. I look forward to the next couple of months as a 24-year-old :o) I cannot wait to see what else God has in store for me!

Happy Sunday Everyone!