I threw away the marine button that I had tucked away into the jewelry box in my bathroom. I threw away the photo album tucked into one of the baskets in my laundry room, full of pictures from our first year of dating. Then I dug through my photo boxes in search of all the letters he wrote to me while away at boot camp. I read through every letter and let the tears fall where they might, then I threw those away. I found newspaper clippings from his graduation at Parris Island. I found plane tickets to South Carolina. I found other odds and ends related to him. And yes, you guessed it ... I threw them away.
In a perfect world, I would have a fire pit in which I could let all of those things burn in hell. I want to set fire to each and every single one of those things. However after the tragic fire that took place at the beginning of the month, I think that would be the WRONG choice to make. LOL
But after tossing all of those items out, I broke down and cried. I sobbed and I wept. I became enraged and outraged. I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror, tears streaming down my face. I wept because I am angry. I am angry at myself.
How did I let this go on for so long? Sean and I happily dated for about 2 years. Or what I can remember is the happy times. Then somewhere around the 2.5 mark ... he cheated on me. I took him back, knowing good and well that I should have let him go. Thus began a vicious cycle of him emotionally abusing me and taking advantage of me for two or more years. And I allowed him to do it. For some sad, sorry reason ... I thought he was the one I was supposed to marry. And I thought for some strange, scary reason that I could be the one to fix his brokenness. But instead ... I helped myself become more broken inside.
I'll never forget one scary, rainy night my junior year when I tried to take my life. I remember sitting in my bed, in apartment 504, rocking back and forth thinking there's got to be a better way to end the pain I was feeling ... than to go on living. I rocked and I sobbed. I had been in my room for days upon days. Crying and rocking. And this particular night, I wanted to put an end to it all. And right on time, a friend called me to talk. He uplifted me with positive words and affirmations and told me I was too smart and too gifted to do anything stupid. Kostas saved my life that night. If he had not of called, just on a whim, I may not have been here today.
After that incident, I knew that I needed help. My friends and family meant well but their efforts were not helping me out of my funk. So I checked myself into a counselor. And I only went two or three times. The conversations led me back to other skeletons that I had buried so deep into my closet. And I couldn't stand bringing up all of those untapped, raw emotions that I had worked so hard to bury. So I stopped going and told myself I'd be okay.
Senior year of college ... Sean and I broke up for good. Yet it took me almost three and a half years to really cut ties from him and to let go. My trip to Parris Island and the events that happened afterwards cemented the decision for me to let go. I'll never forget the last time I saw Sean. He had come to visit me in my new condo. And when he left, I started to tear up. I remember saying goodbye ... and that time I meant it. I had endured a whirlwind of emotions the week leading up to this farewell, and at the moment in time, I decided that endure this no longer I could.
Yet, for two or three years after that moment in 2012 ... I continued to weep over this boy late at night. My mind would always wonder back to him. I look back and ask myself "why!?" I do not understand what I was holding on to. I do not understand why. I remember a time my best friend Kitty had come down for the weekend and we watched Eat Pray Love. There was a line in the movie when Julia Roberts said, "Send light and love and drop it." For years after that moment ... even to this day ... those are the words I mutter when I think of Sean.
Yet ... I had thought until recently, that I was 100% over him. I mean in hindsight and reflection ... I just realized I would check up on him <on face book> at least once a week. Scope his page ... see if there were any new updates to his life. I had added his sister and mother to keep tabs on him too. But in my mind, I had moved on. I was doing okay. That was until October when an incident with my new love interest resulted in me having an extreme reaction to a miscommunication. Then in January, I had another breakdown where I found myself sobbing on the living room floor realizing I was still being haunted by my past.
Again however, I picked myself up ... blogged a few entries ... and figured I was good. I had this. I was in control. Until recently when a visit to a third party revealed that I am still very much scarred and impacted by this previous relationship. I believe the words used were, "he was ice cold... selfish." And I was told that I have a closed heart ... closed up like a black fist.
I have been working hard the past two weeks to address this. To understand this source of hurt and to find new ways to let go and open up my heart and mind to new beginnings. It was easy at first, but recently I've hit a bump in the road. It's hard to face these skeletons. To dig up the bones I worked so hard to bury in the deep, dark places of my mind.
But for the first time in a long time, I think I am ready to dig up the bones. To face the raw emotions that come with these skeletons. I am ready because I want to fall in love. I want to get married and start a family. And for the first time in my life, I am realizing that I feel that now is the time. I want to be open and ready for whomever it is that I am supposed to date and marry. I want this new guy to have a chance.
So I decided tonight - it's time to clean out my closet. And I did the thing that I would never have done otherwise, except that the present moment in which I was called for it.
I threw away every single thing, that I could think of, that still tied me to my ex. And as I drink some tea and listen to an eclectic mix of music on spotify, I am trying to find peace. I am recalling the mantra's I so often share with my loved ones: Everything happens for a reason. Everything that's meant to be will be.
And as I finish up this entry, I reflect on the advice and words of encouragement just given to me by one of my best friends:
"You cannot change the past. The important thing is that you're seeing in yourself how much you let him impact you for so long and you're working to fix it and you're moving on now. That's all that matters. And all you can do now is look at the potential relationships you have now and see how you can approach it differently this time without your past influencing it so much. You've got some opportunities in front of you now! Don't worry about the past now or what you would've done differently. You are where you were meant to be at this point in your life."
You are where you were meant to be at this point in your life. I am where I was meant to be at this point in my life.
