― Carl Sandburg
I have been EXTREMELY reflective this past year. Particularly about myself. As I enter my late 20's, I feel that it is important to have a good sense of who I am as an individual. So this year, I have invested a lot of time in reflecting on my words and actions, and trying to understand who I am and what it is that I want out of life.
The neat thing about being reflective, is that it also helps you focus on what is important and set goals for yourself. In thinking about myself and how I often behave, I have realized that a character flaw of mine is that I am self-centered. Or should I say, I have grown to be self-centered over the past five or so years.
When I was younger, I was a push-over. I let others walk all over me. I also put the needs of others ahead of me, always. Although I was a GREAT listener and a great friend, I grew frustrated and hurt when my friends did not reciprocate my actions. After a painful split with my ex, I became determined that I was going to speak up and put my needs first.
While there was nothing wrong with this self-actualization at THAT moment in time, it has currently become a character flaw for me. In reflection, I've realized that I want EVERYTHING to be about me. I want things when I want them to happen. I want people to give me words of affirmation for EVERYTHING that I do. I want compliments. I want people to be available at the drop of a hat, on my time. I want to go where I want to go, when I want to go there. I want to help someone else out, when I am willing to help them out. I want to talk about myself in conversation. About my students. My studies. My career. My house. My accomplishments. ME ME ME ME ME.
THIS has to change. Now, I am a LEO and I tend to exaggerate - so the above statements could be a bit exaggerated or out of context. But the bottom line is, I have honestly forgotten how to not be so self-centered. Being an independent, working female for the past four years has made me self-sufficient and dependent on my efforts and my efforts alone. But I fear I have forgotten how to really put the needs of others first. I have forgotten how to really listen. How to ask a friend how they are doing, and to mean it. How to let conversation flow naturally, and really take in what it is that they're saying. I have forgotten how to converse period.
I think of so many conversations I hold with others. Often times I am asking all the questions or I am doing all of the talking. I no longer know how to really hold a conversation. I mean an intellectual, stimulating conversation about something other than myself or within the scope of my personal interest (i.e. reality tv, gossip, social media or something equally as bland or boring). I also realized I often answer questions asked to me ... but I do not ask them back. Or I do, only half listening to the response of the person I am talking to.
So with these epiphanies ... what do you do? I realize my shortcoming. I want to fix this shortcoming. However I do not even know how to go about changing. But I must because I am unhappy with this flaw - and I know for sure, that it is something I can change. Something that I NEED to change to be a better friend, daughter, sister, teacher, colleague, friend.
“It is when you lose sight of yourself, that you lose your way. To keep your truth in sight you must keep yourself in sight and the world to you should be a mirror to reflect to you your image; the world should be a mirror that you reflect upon.”
― C. JoyBell C.
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