Such a scary and sobering experience!
3.30.2014
Pure Perfection = My Weekend in Pictures
Alison's Bridal Shower Weekend was PERFECTION <3
Alison and Mamma Keenan
Al with the group gift from us bridesmaids!
The delicious cake!
Emily and I ... pretty in blue
Such a gorgeous bridal party!
Al with her cake!
KC and I
Pouring rain ALL weekend long ... but I appreciated spending quality time with my best friends!
The Keenan Gals
Alison with the gift I gave her :) So excited she LOVED it!
3.23.2014
Because we all end up exactly where we need to be.
"We never realize that replacing what’s not broken won’t fix what is. We never realize that a relationship will not save us. We never realize that when we arrive at the juncture of whether to try harder or move on, it almost always means it’s time to let go. And we grapple with it because we never realize what letting go means: simply that we, at no point, are actually permitting anything to leave. We’re just permitting ourselves to come to terms with the truth that it’s already gone." (Brianna Wiest)
The time has come for me to encounter another set of crossroads. And at this very moment, I am sitting in the center of them. Literally sitting ... debating which direction I should walk (if not run) in and asking rhetorical questions to which no one is giving me the response I would like to hear.
I have never been good at saying goodbye. Yet I've said goodbye more times than I would have liked. And even though I have managed to utter the words goodbye several times over the years, I continue to stumble with letting go.
At this moment in time, no goodbyes have been uttered for I am not ready. So I sit at "the juncture of whether to try harder or move on." I sit here reflecting on my thoughts, my actions and my words because goodbyes do not hurt until you realize how much has changed. They do not hurt until you realize how much of the events preceding the goodbye were your fault.
I sit here with my head in my hands. Warm, salty tears streaming down my sweat stained cheeks. I thought I could run to escape the pain. But instead running lead me directly to it. So I weep, sitting in the middle of the road at this juncture. I weep for what was and for what is to be. I weep because I do not know who to turn to. And even if I did, they cannot even help me utter those fateful words. They cannot help me decide which road I should now travel on.
Peering out into the horizon at each road ... I wipe away the tears with the back of my hand and exhale. I stretch out my legs and direct my eyes up towards the sky. The words "...when we arrive at the juncture of whether to try harder or move on, it almost always means it’s time to let go..." cloud my mind. And I know deep within my heart that the truth is ... it's already gone. Whatever that it is ... it's already gone.
I stand and lift up prayers to the sky. Seasons change and as time would have it, THIS season is ending. It may in fact be time to say goodbye. If life would have it ... our paths ... our roads WILL cross again. So I start to walk. Slowly but surely, I start to walk because I AM capable of doing this. More capable than I may think.
"We tie ourselves up with our anxieties when at the end of the day we always look back and realize the path was paved for us. We just had to stop questioning what we already knew to be true. We are always compelled to act when we’re meant to. The tides usually turn us on their own. We don’t always have to swim. The real art of being is learning to float." (Brianna Wiest)
The tide is turning me on it's own ... and I am just going to float and trust that things will fall into place as they should, in the end.
Because we all end up exactly where we need to be.
The time has come for me to encounter another set of crossroads. And at this very moment, I am sitting in the center of them. Literally sitting ... debating which direction I should walk (if not run) in and asking rhetorical questions to which no one is giving me the response I would like to hear.
I have never been good at saying goodbye. Yet I've said goodbye more times than I would have liked. And even though I have managed to utter the words goodbye several times over the years, I continue to stumble with letting go.
At this moment in time, no goodbyes have been uttered for I am not ready. So I sit at "the juncture of whether to try harder or move on." I sit here reflecting on my thoughts, my actions and my words because goodbyes do not hurt until you realize how much has changed. They do not hurt until you realize how much of the events preceding the goodbye were your fault.
I sit here with my head in my hands. Warm, salty tears streaming down my sweat stained cheeks. I thought I could run to escape the pain. But instead running lead me directly to it. So I weep, sitting in the middle of the road at this juncture. I weep for what was and for what is to be. I weep because I do not know who to turn to. And even if I did, they cannot even help me utter those fateful words. They cannot help me decide which road I should now travel on.
Peering out into the horizon at each road ... I wipe away the tears with the back of my hand and exhale. I stretch out my legs and direct my eyes up towards the sky. The words "...when we arrive at the juncture of whether to try harder or move on, it almost always means it’s time to let go..." cloud my mind. And I know deep within my heart that the truth is ... it's already gone. Whatever that it is ... it's already gone.
I stand and lift up prayers to the sky. Seasons change and as time would have it, THIS season is ending. It may in fact be time to say goodbye. If life would have it ... our paths ... our roads WILL cross again. So I start to walk. Slowly but surely, I start to walk because I AM capable of doing this. More capable than I may think.
"We tie ourselves up with our anxieties when at the end of the day we always look back and realize the path was paved for us. We just had to stop questioning what we already knew to be true. We are always compelled to act when we’re meant to. The tides usually turn us on their own. We don’t always have to swim. The real art of being is learning to float." (Brianna Wiest)
The tide is turning me on it's own ... and I am just going to float and trust that things will fall into place as they should, in the end.
Because we all end up exactly where we need to be.
3.11.2014
3.09.2014
Reflections & Flaws
“It is necessary ... for a man to go away by himself ... to sit on a rock ... and ask, 'Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?”
― Carl Sandburg
I have been EXTREMELY reflective this past year. Particularly about myself. As I enter my late 20's, I feel that it is important to have a good sense of who I am as an individual. So this year, I have invested a lot of time in reflecting on my words and actions, and trying to understand who I am and what it is that I want out of life.
The neat thing about being reflective, is that it also helps you focus on what is important and set goals for yourself. In thinking about myself and how I often behave, I have realized that a character flaw of mine is that I am self-centered. Or should I say, I have grown to be self-centered over the past five or so years.
When I was younger, I was a push-over. I let others walk all over me. I also put the needs of others ahead of me, always. Although I was a GREAT listener and a great friend, I grew frustrated and hurt when my friends did not reciprocate my actions. After a painful split with my ex, I became determined that I was going to speak up and put my needs first.
While there was nothing wrong with this self-actualization at THAT moment in time, it has currently become a character flaw for me. In reflection, I've realized that I want EVERYTHING to be about me. I want things when I want them to happen. I want people to give me words of affirmation for EVERYTHING that I do. I want compliments. I want people to be available at the drop of a hat, on my time. I want to go where I want to go, when I want to go there. I want to help someone else out, when I am willing to help them out. I want to talk about myself in conversation. About my students. My studies. My career. My house. My accomplishments. ME ME ME ME ME.
THIS has to change. Now, I am a LEO and I tend to exaggerate - so the above statements could be a bit exaggerated or out of context. But the bottom line is, I have honestly forgotten how to not be so self-centered. Being an independent, working female for the past four years has made me self-sufficient and dependent on my efforts and my efforts alone. But I fear I have forgotten how to really put the needs of others first. I have forgotten how to really listen. How to ask a friend how they are doing, and to mean it. How to let conversation flow naturally, and really take in what it is that they're saying. I have forgotten how to converse period.
I think of so many conversations I hold with others. Often times I am asking all the questions or I am doing all of the talking. I no longer know how to really hold a conversation. I mean an intellectual, stimulating conversation about something other than myself or within the scope of my personal interest (i.e. reality tv, gossip, social media or something equally as bland or boring). I also realized I often answer questions asked to me ... but I do not ask them back. Or I do, only half listening to the response of the person I am talking to.
So with these epiphanies ... what do you do? I realize my shortcoming. I want to fix this shortcoming. However I do not even know how to go about changing. But I must because I am unhappy with this flaw - and I know for sure, that it is something I can change. Something that I NEED to change to be a better friend, daughter, sister, teacher, colleague, friend.
“It is when you lose sight of yourself, that you lose your way. To keep your truth in sight you must keep yourself in sight and the world to you should be a mirror to reflect to you your image; the world should be a mirror that you reflect upon.”
― C. JoyBell C.
― Carl Sandburg
I have been EXTREMELY reflective this past year. Particularly about myself. As I enter my late 20's, I feel that it is important to have a good sense of who I am as an individual. So this year, I have invested a lot of time in reflecting on my words and actions, and trying to understand who I am and what it is that I want out of life.
The neat thing about being reflective, is that it also helps you focus on what is important and set goals for yourself. In thinking about myself and how I often behave, I have realized that a character flaw of mine is that I am self-centered. Or should I say, I have grown to be self-centered over the past five or so years.
When I was younger, I was a push-over. I let others walk all over me. I also put the needs of others ahead of me, always. Although I was a GREAT listener and a great friend, I grew frustrated and hurt when my friends did not reciprocate my actions. After a painful split with my ex, I became determined that I was going to speak up and put my needs first.
While there was nothing wrong with this self-actualization at THAT moment in time, it has currently become a character flaw for me. In reflection, I've realized that I want EVERYTHING to be about me. I want things when I want them to happen. I want people to give me words of affirmation for EVERYTHING that I do. I want compliments. I want people to be available at the drop of a hat, on my time. I want to go where I want to go, when I want to go there. I want to help someone else out, when I am willing to help them out. I want to talk about myself in conversation. About my students. My studies. My career. My house. My accomplishments. ME ME ME ME ME.
THIS has to change. Now, I am a LEO and I tend to exaggerate - so the above statements could be a bit exaggerated or out of context. But the bottom line is, I have honestly forgotten how to not be so self-centered. Being an independent, working female for the past four years has made me self-sufficient and dependent on my efforts and my efforts alone. But I fear I have forgotten how to really put the needs of others first. I have forgotten how to really listen. How to ask a friend how they are doing, and to mean it. How to let conversation flow naturally, and really take in what it is that they're saying. I have forgotten how to converse period.
I think of so many conversations I hold with others. Often times I am asking all the questions or I am doing all of the talking. I no longer know how to really hold a conversation. I mean an intellectual, stimulating conversation about something other than myself or within the scope of my personal interest (i.e. reality tv, gossip, social media or something equally as bland or boring). I also realized I often answer questions asked to me ... but I do not ask them back. Or I do, only half listening to the response of the person I am talking to.
So with these epiphanies ... what do you do? I realize my shortcoming. I want to fix this shortcoming. However I do not even know how to go about changing. But I must because I am unhappy with this flaw - and I know for sure, that it is something I can change. Something that I NEED to change to be a better friend, daughter, sister, teacher, colleague, friend.
“It is when you lose sight of yourself, that you lose your way. To keep your truth in sight you must keep yourself in sight and the world to you should be a mirror to reflect to you your image; the world should be a mirror that you reflect upon.”
― C. JoyBell C.
3.07.2014
Life Lessons at 25
Although I am months away from my 26th birthday, this year has taught me many life lessons. This year has been anything but easy. I have laughed and I have cried. I have lived and I have regretted. I have loved and I have hurt. But through all of the ups and downs of this year, I have most importantly learned valuable lessons that are changing the way I behave and think about things. So in reflection of the lessons learned, and in preparation for what is to come, I present to you what this year's experiences have taught me.
- He will not buy the cow if he can get the milk for free.
- Be honest and direct. It'll save you the trouble of anything, later.
- Say what you mean. Mean what you say. See number two for clarification.
- Instead of waiting for the man of your dreams to find you, live a life that will bring you two together.
- Live your life. To the fullest. Live it as you see fit or BEST.
- Take advantage of opportunities given to you. You're lucky if the opportunity comes around a second time, after you've missed it the first.
- No one likes to have games. Or to have games played with them. Especially when dating.
- Let go. Let God. Worrying only gives you a stomach ulcer.
3.05.2014
L|E|N|T
What I CANNOT give up for Lent.
- chocolate
- carbs!
- coffee/caffeine
- facebook
- reality television
- alcohol (i.e. beer!)
- eating dinner(s) out
- doing what I want to do ... when I want to do it
What I will GLADLY give up.
- listening to people whine and complain
- nosey co-workers
- the extra five pounds I have put on over the last month
- people trying to tell me how to live my life
- my diet (of chipotle and beer)
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