My CORE Belief about Life

Never expect, never assume, never ask, and never demand. Just let it be. Because if it is meant to be, it will happen.

When we learn that we can only control our actions in this life, it seems confining and even unsettling because on some level we all want to feel like we’re in complete control. But when I thought more about this I came to a deeper understanding that actually made me feel free. Some things may happen exactly as you planned and others may not, but in the end it will be exactly as it should be.

Communication

My goal for the remainder of this school year, is to work on my communication with others. This includes my professional communication and personal communication with others. I have realized this is a short coming of mine, and I am going to need to work day after day at effecting change on this particular weakness.

I started tonight by asking Mike, "Do you ever think about the direction in which our relationship may evolve in regards to the future?" His response was, "Yea and it's def a convo we can have toomrrow." This gave me a whirlwind of emotions ... I have butterflies, nerves and the feelings I cannot associate a word with.

Mike and I have been together unofficially, for about two years now. We have officially been dating for approximately six months. We both are terrible at clearly communicating, but I feel like we have each worked at improving this in our own way. In my proclamation tonight, that I want to work at communicating effectively with others, I decided to ask Mike the question above.

Typical Christina, I wordsmithed how to phrase the question ... and talked to myself for probably thirty minutes about how to ask the question and what the possible outcomes were. For better or for worse, I am a thinker. I think about EVERYTHING. Sometimes this works to my advantage - I'd like to think I am sensitive to the feelings/emotions of others and extremely reflective. This ALSO works to my disadvantage ... I will think, and think, and think about something until I have totally taken the original thought out of context and convinced myself to belief something entirely different (and perhaps untrue). It's the thing I need to work on ... after I master this communication challenge. ::insert innocent giggle here::

I always put off the tough conversations. One good thing about dating Mike, however, is that I just realized our relationship is going to force me to speak up and initate things. THAT will impact me positively in all areas of my life ... or so I am thinking. He is not one to initiate ... therefore I will have to. And for the first time in my two years of knowing him, I am okay with that. I think it will be a good thing. I can use it to my benefit - in achieving my goal of communicating clearly and effectively.

But we need to have this conversation ... because we will be at year three in the blink of an eye. And we need to be on the same page. Where are we going? Where is this heading? I do not need to be married or engaged by tomorrow, or next year, but I'd like to know what direction are we looking in ... and is it the same for both of us? Also ... I have to move out of my place in June. I need to start figuring out what's my next dwelling ... whether it be with him or by myself/with roommates. And I want to know if we both feel this relationship has the potential to become serious [not that it's not pretty serious already].

If I were to be honest ... Mike is one of the most important people in my life. His opinion and his friendship mean so much to me. Do I think he is the one - I do not know. But I can see myself marrying him, and I am willing to work at *us* every day, for the rest of our lives. It'll take some hard work, but I am willing to do it by his side. I hold back sometimes, though, because I do not know what he feels or thinks. And after my tumultous previous relationship ... I am scared shitless about getting hurt (if I put myself out there) ... so I have almost trained myself to wait for his response to validate my own.

So I decided tonight ... I need to communicate and be honest about where I am at. If he decides he does not see a future ... or does not want to take that step ... I'll be crushed. I'll proably cry. But he's worth the risk ... and I am willing to take it to get some clarity on *us*. My new challenge for tomorrow, is to stick to the conversation. To not avoid it. Time [24 hours] will tell what the verdict is. Not that there will be a final verdict or a final decision rendered. I'm not really sure what to expect, if I am to be honest. But I think we need to be honest with one another. And make a vow in regards to what we do next. Do we consider living together in the near future? Do we consider planning for a lifetime together? Do we consider introducing one another to extended family/etc? Or do we plan to go seperate ways? Or to just go for the ride ...and jump off when we do not like it anymore?

I look forward to tomororw. I think only good can come out of the conversation. And this goes without saying ... regardless of what happens ... I am SO grateful for Michael Joseph Terwilliger. He is an amazing guy and one of my best friends. I love him with all of my heart and I am so glad I met him. There's something about him. Something that I cannot describe. But it keeps me coming back to him, time and time again. He is different than any guy I have ever dated ... and this journey has been crazy! But if I could go back and do it all over again, I would not change a thing. I think this relationship has unfolded exactly as it should. And it's made me become a better person. So Mike ... thank you for being you. Thank you for choosing me - or so it seems haha - day after day, week after week and month after month. I am not sure why you do ... but I am glad that you do.

Signing off ...

*YOU*...

... are the only person in this world who knows how to live your life.

If someone tells you otherwise then they are struggling with living their own life and they’ve decided it’s easier to tell other people what to do. They are afraid of their own reality, but you can help by showing them how you live fearlessly and with conviction.

Goal: Embrace your life today exactly as it is, with all its flaws and perfections, its hopes and disappointments. Inspire other to live their lives more presently and more fully, by showing them the faith and confidence you have in the life YOU are living. Lead by example.

Radiating Positivity

My positive for Wednesday was my student intern. He is such a sweet heart and I am SO looking forward to working with him this year! His enthusiasm is contagious and his innocance is heart-warming. I am excited to teach him all that I know and to help him develop him as a future educator!

My positive for today was that our special education team is working together. We have been sharing resources, offering emotional support and going above and beyond in helping out with various tasks. I am excited to work with this incredible group of women and to learn/grow together.

Here's to continuing to be positive ... every day of this marvelous school year.

Shitty Year vrs Marvelous Year

I've been really sour after work the last two days. There's a lot going on that I am unhappy with, and it is so easy to get hung up on all the negativity.

Then I came across this...

I realized that this will be a shitty year if I continue to focus on the negative. So I am challenging myself to find something to be grateful every day. And I plan to blog about it on here. That - I hope - will make the difference between a shitty year and a marvelous year. 

So today I am grateful for sitting with the fifth grade team and getting to know some of the members a little better. I am also grateful for getting to know one of my sped teammates better.

Relationships are important to me and I am hoping to build positive ones this year.

Here's to a marvelous week! 

Summer has come to an end.

Summer has finally come to an end. And it flew by so fast.

Here's a photo recap .... since I cannot find the words to capture how great this summer has been!

These photos do not even begin to capture all of the fun, laughs and memories had this summer. All I can say is everything happens for a reason ... and I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity to take a summer off. Although I am sad to see summer go, I feel rejuvenated and ready to take on another year of teaching!

This summer break is one for the books!

2AM. Cannot sleep.

You ever get that gut feeling that you're set apart? That you  are on a different path. That no matter how much you want to be like your friends, and fit in ... You will not. Because you were born set apart. 

I've spent the first twenty six years of my life trying to be like everyone else. It's all I've ever wanted. To fit in. To be accepted. But time and time again, I have be unable to. 

I've walked unmarked trails ... Even when I did not want to. Because I have always been on a different path for whatever reason.

There's an old saying that goes, "Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"

And I don't know the right answer to that question. However I cannot seem to shake this unmistakable feeling that my road ahead will be a tad lonely.

Not because I will not have loved ones. But because my loved ones will not be able to love me in the way I need it. Because I will trail down the paths not wandered, while my loved ones travel down the beaten paths.

I feel like where God wants to take me, I must go alone. In order to fulfill his will ... My cross to carry may be heavier than my neighbors.

And for that I weep. It hurts. It's lonely. And no one really understands. 

My only hope is that one day I will learn to accept my fate and be okay with it. Because fighting it ... Is only adding to the struggle and pain.