T R U T H

"But what you should also know is that the times in which you are most a writer are usually the times in which you are most trying to clean up your insides."
- Brianna Wiest 

The quote above resonated with my soul the moment I read it. It is no secret, that I take to this blog when I am going through the roughest of times. And often times, my best written entries were composed during moments of times when I needed an outlet for the feelings and emotions I was harboring deep within. You see, I am not very good at putting my thoughts and feelings into words verbally. But when you give me a pen and paper ... and some time to be reflective and introspective ... there is no telling what I will be able to say or what I will say.

Writing has always been a strength for me. It has always been something I've enjoyed doing. And during the trials and tribulations of my life, writing serves as a sort of catharsis for me. Other than a good long run, listening to sad songs or an ugly cry ... writing is the best way for me to cope with whatever hardships I am dealing with. So it's no surprise that the past week or so I've been waiting for the moment to strike ... at which I found the words to put on paper that my lips could not say. 

2014 began with such excitement and positivity! I had great goals for this year and a list of things I wanted to accomplish. I was looking at life with new eyes ... with a new found appreciation for letting go of that which I cannot control and taking risks/making mistakes and learning from them. I left work each day by 4:30pm and worked out every evening. I spent my time with friends and doing activities that pleased me. I was happy with where I was at and how things were unfolding for me. Yet in the back of mind, I could not help but wonder when was  trouble going to strike. When would it knock on my front door asking to come in and turn my world upside down for a bit. I am not a pessimist ... but I mean let's be real: I was not going to be walking on sunshine forever. 

And unexpectedly, trouble did finally knock on my door. But this time, in the form of doubt and insecurity. Unresolved issues from my past somehow worked their way into my present. This perfect facade I had put on for the past three weeks suddenly began to dissolve. Without warning, the skeletons in my closet came walking out ... scaring away any piece of mind I thought I had developed. The truly unfortunate part is that my skeletons have impacted my developing relationship of sorts with the *man* I have been spending time with.

Within seventy-two hours, a relationship that was going *well* suddenly turned awkward. And I am not sure how much of this is my fault. For the past forty-eight hours, I have beat myself up over what I should've done, could've done, should've said, would've said. But while participating in this catharsis ... it just dawned on me that I am NOT being true to my #1 resolution for the new year: Make Mistakes and learn from them. Let go and see what happens. 

For the past couple of days, I have been trying to control EVERYTHING and to be this perfect person. I have made mistakes ... and instead of embracing them and learning from them, I have lead them haunt me and open up closet doors that were meant to be shut. What am I doing!? 

As for my unresolved issues from my past - I've decided that perhaps I need to seek the counsel of a professional. My girlfriends are AWESOME! I am truly blessed to have such a strong, inspirational group of women surrounding me and cheering me on. However, they are biased [no matter how awesome I think they are.] I think there's value in talking to a third party .... someone who does not know me at all. 

My greatest realization is that there are still some issues from my previous long-term relationship that I have not dealt with. And unfortunately, they play out in every relationship I have pursued since him. Yesterday I decided ... I will be unable to move forward in new relationships or any relationship ... until I address these skeletons from my past.

This will be a difficult undertaking. I hate talking about my emotions and feelings. And there's nothing harder than looking insecurity in the face and telling it to take a hike. I've done it before ... and it was one of the HARDEST things I decided to do during my collegiate years. However, I think it's time to stop running from the past. To stop sweeping broken pieces of myself from yesterday under the rug. I need to rediscover how to truly love myself. I need to discover how to build healthy relationships with others. I need to learn how to embrace my flaws, my imperfections and my weaknesses. And how to march to the beat of my own drum for 2014 - to continue letting go and making mistakes (as those are the greatest teacher). 

So dear friend, if you're reading this, please pray for me. Please send light and love my direction. Apparently God is telling me, it's not time yet to step off the potter's wheel. He's telling me the exact opposite in fact. He's requested that I step back on ... there is still some molding to do. And I think it is time that I let go of control and allow him to do his thing. 

Maybe I'll be a work of art when he is done?