updated resolutions for 2012

1. Facebook and Tweet LESS ... the world does not need to know about my every thought and/or whereabout
2. Take no friend or family member for granted. Value time spent with each and be sure to show each person how much I care. Tomorrow is not promised ... so love those god gives you because he may call them back one day.
3. Treat others the way I want to be treated. Gossip less. Find more positive things to say.
4. Go to church more often ... grow closer to god.
5. Workout more often.
6. Budget money. Save more! Be wise about where I am spending money.
7. Try to be a better person. Love more. Give more. Help more. JUDGE LESS. Take chances. Do something new. 

Okay so these are not really updated per say ... but in light of Kevin Hinnant's death yesterday ... I have been doing a lot of thinking about what is important in life and changes I would like to make to myself for the new year. 2011 has been full of several ups, downs and life lessons. I praise God for every heartbreak, success, lesson ... this year has been incredible! I feel like I have grown so much and I am looking forward to the possibilities a new year brings.

[regret]

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. 

FAMILY - Christmas 2011

New Year's Resolutions: 2012

1. I want to talk less about others and more about myself. I have a bad habit for gossiping about other people, and not telling enough information about myself (so that people can really get to know me). I want to stop gossiping about other's shortcomings and start giving others a chance to get to know the real me.
   
2. I want to value friends and family more. I also want to treat them the way I would like to be treated. This goes hand in hand with talking less about the shortcomings of others, but rather appreciating what it is a person has to offer.
   
3. I want to go to church more and grow closer to God. I fight it so often ... but why am I fighting it? I need to learn to let go and let god ... let's see where he will take me this year.
   
4. I want to workout at least three times a week ... consistently. I have found that exercising is one of the best stress relievers. My end goal is to run a 5K in June. I know I can do it if I stick my mind to it.

Reality Check

Solomon’s life reminds us that it’s important to find joy in “ordinary” things, for they are indeed wonderful. Bigger is not always better. More is not always an improvement. Busier doesn’t make us more important.

Rather than look for meaning in breathtaking moments, we should find meaning in every breath we take, and make every breath meaningful. 

The Story of My Life ... Currently

“Being Twenty-Something?"

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. 

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. 

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. 

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. 

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. 

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. 

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! 

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

23 Things I've Learned...

1. Everything in life happens for a reason ... 
2. Live in the MOMENT. 
3. Continue to push forward. As you continue pushing eventually everything will fall into place. Never give up..
4. first love is the sweetest ... but it surely cuts the deepest
5. it is important to never let success go to your head ... or failure to your heart
6. passion is not what you're good at ... it is what you enjoy the most :o)
7. Love is absolutely eternal. Even if you 'break up' with someone you love, you will still have a connection and love for them for ever.
8. God chooses what we go through. We choose how we go through it.
9. Always value who you are. Enjoy your uniqueness. Don't compare yourself with others and put yourself down. Be true to yourself.
10. The way to multiply the blessings in your life is to start giving praise for the blessings that u already HAVE! 
11. "In the end, everything will be ok. And if it's not ok, it's not the end."
12. Relationships are the number 1, by far, the most important part of life. Without relations with others, we would have nothing. Therefore, put those as your main priority in life. Everything else is secondary.
13. Realize who the real people in your life are and beware of who isn't... You might be surprised at the answer either way...
14. Never let others see you sweat. Be like a duck: calm on top, but paddling like hell underneath! 
15. When something is right for you, you will know.
16. Keep integrity::: You are who you are when no ones looking. 
17. When people show you who they are, believe them. 
18. The 5 people you spend the most amount of time with will determine how far you go in life
19. You can never be lonely if you love the person you're alone with. Learn to love yourself before you love others. 
20. “To have a good friend is one of the highest delights in life; to be a good friend is one of the noblest and most difficult undertakings.”
21. And it's the truth that everything you've always wanted will come to you the second you stop looking for it.
22. We are never satisfied with what we have. We want what we can't have and take the things we do have for granted.
23. The way you treat people is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.

intervention

I need an intervention.

Sean is coming home in less than three weeks and he will be home for the month of December. Note: I only know this because I am a MASTER facebook stalker. Regardless, since Halloween ... he has STOPPED calling me and texting me. All forms of communication have stopped. Funny thing is, this is exactly what I wanted almost a month ago. But it is amazing how constant phone calls, and uttered "I Love Yous" can make a girl go a little stir crazy when she no longer hears the words anymore. What's more is I am convinced that Sean is about to begin dating Rachel Story (a friend of his from college). She is ALWAYS writing on his wall which tells me he must be writing on hers.

Folks, we are coming up on three years that I have not been with this kid. I have made so much progress and come so far! Yet why do I seem to find myself still grieving and hanging on to something that is no longer mine? I can tell you verbally that I no longer love him and I realize that I deserve someone so much better than him. Yet, I sit here wishing, hoping and silently praying that maybe today will be the day that I get a phone call from him. Maybe today he will confess his love for me and make a change for the better. I will never understand our current relationship or why he keeps me stumped.

Ideally, I want to begin dating again. I am so bored with my love life right now. I want to go out on a date! I want to have options out there. I want to fall in love again. I want, I want, I WANT! But apparently God does not agree with my wants and is not giving them to me. WHY GOD!? What do you have planned for me? Tell me ... because I am frustrated that my plans are not coming together. Selfish of me, I know. But I am ONLY human and this is my blog ... so I am allowed to vent :o)

But seriously, I need an intervention. All I want for Christmas is a honest to god potential date. Actually scratch that. I feel like the holidays are a TERRIBLE time to begin dating someone. I am not trying to meet family or become all emotional and clingy. So perhaps, after Valentine's day? HAHA

If I only I knew the plans that you have for me oh lord ... if only I knew.

My Own Worst Enemy?

October has been a wonderful month for me - in comparison to September. I have loved a lot, laughed a lot and lived a lot. I praise God for all of the blessings and experiences I have had this month. Come to think of it - October has gone by entirely way too fast.

Funny is my life has been in the semi fast lane too. And now that the smoke is beginning to clear, and my vehicle has slowed down, I find myself feeling lost. All of a sudden ... I am questioning relationships I have with people. Why do I do this to myself month in and month out? Why do I get so insecure when it comes time to relationships?

I find myself asking - myself - am I a good friend? Have I grown selfish? Do I make enough time for my friends? Who are my true friends? Do I like the company I keep? These thoughts are probably silly ... but I feel so vulnerable all of a sudden. Why!? Is this Satan? Or Am I my own worst enemy?

I hope I have a blessed time out in Baltimore this weekend ... Lord guide my steps.

The King's English

Since late September, I have been truly happy and enjoying my life! There is not a moment or day that has passed ... that I cannot remember taking a second to praise God for it's wonderfulness. This week has been no exception, however I have noticed that I have been under attack spiritually in a couple of different incidences.

The most troubling to me, however, has been my post observation meeting with my principal today. Earlier in the week, I planned and taught a lesson in reading; and my principal came to my classroom to observe me teaching. Today we both met to discuss my lesson, and I was eager to hear what constructive criticism and positive feedback she had to provide. Unexpectedly, we began the meeting with small chat about how I am doing and how reading instruction is going in the classroom.

Feeling at ease and confident, I responded "Laura and me" have been implementing a new structure for our guided reading block and we are working together to improve the structure. My principal immediately interrupted me and said that I ought to learn the King's English ... because "Laura and me" is improper. Instead, she pointed out that I should have said "Laura and I." My principal then continued to say that I need to ask my coworker to assist me (in fixing this horrible mistake) by pointing out when I make this grievous error. I was beyond flabbergasted and caught off guard. I did not know what to think ... other than, "SHIT!" Think carefully about what you say next so that you do not make the King frown upon your grammatical mishaps in conversation.

After this point in conversation, I think my brain went black. I was preoccupied with holding back my tears, formulating grammatically correct sentences to respond to my principal AND relaxing my face muscles ... so that my administrator did not see my defeat and panic. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, I have been asked to be observed .... AGAIN. F M L. Oh wait ... that's not the King's English. I am so frustrated right now ... I HATE being a novice at things ... and  I hate doing anything less than perfection. I am upset my principal found so much wrong with my lesson ... although she made a few valid points that  I have considered. I am angry that I did not follow my instincts and tell my co-teacher that I was uncomfortable teaching this lesson that she thought would be spectacular. I am overwhelmed at the pressure and responsibility of having to bring my special education students up at least five book levels by the end of the year. Oh! And at ensuring that they will have passing scores on the MSA's in March.

I bawled all afternoon ... in fact, I look like a swollen baboon right now.

I bitched and complained to my friends and family. And almost 12 hours later ... I am beginning to feel better. I pray that God gives me strength to face the obstacles that are put in my path this school year. I pray that these obstacles help me build a tough exterior and support my development as a teacher. What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger ... and God will not put me in a situation that I cannot get through without him. Thank you Jesus for putting me back on the potter's wheel ... help me Let Go and Let You direct my steps. I will get through this ... and I will be better for it.

In the meantime ... I don't think I will EVER make the mistake of saying "So and So ... and ME" ever AGAIN! Perhaps I should purchase a rosetta stone program ... and brush up on my grammar ;o)

But I'd of had to miss the dance

It has been five years since I began dating Sean.

Five years ago on this day - Oct 7, 2006 - I began dating Sean. I had no dreams of the relationship going very far, but I gave it a try. I thought Sean was weird and annoying and kind of funny looking - but I enjoyed talking to him and he really liked me, so I gave it a go. The next thing I knew ... it was November around Thanksgiving time, and he was telling me he loved me and I was saying it back. Then it was December ... and we lost our virginity to one another. Then it was April, and we had been together for six months. Then our 1 year anniversary arrived, and we both cried our eyes out at the thought of God blessing us with one another. Then in February 2008 ... Sean broke my heart. He cheated on me with one of my friends .... and denied it. From that point on, our relationship was cracked and never the same again.

We grew apart. I did not trust him ... and he turned into the stereotypical asshole. Fall of 2008 rolled around ... and I was desperately clinging on to a boyfriend who was heartless and talking to other women behind my back. I allowed Sean to take advantage of me physically, emotionally, mentally .... he would put me down and manipulate me. He would guilt trip me for when I questioned his relationships with other women and so forth. Spring of 2009 ... I attempted to take my life. I was so depressed and so down .... I twiddled down to a mere 125 pounds. I did not eat, I did not sleep ... I just cried my eyes out and drank away the pain. Fall 2009 ... we *officially* broke up. Sean broke up with me through a text message. I was not good enough for a phone call or an explanation. He began dating other girls ... but somehow managed to continuously contact me and keep me hooked. I took the bait ... weak, insecure and hurt .... I took the bait and played along.

Spring 2010 .... I still dreamt of marrying Sean and I was hopeful that we would work out. I mean, he continued to tell me he loved me ... we continued to sleep together on the side ... he continued to hit me up via phone calls, texts, instant messages. I was too caught up in my fantasy ... too insecure and unaware of my self worth ... to realize, he was still playing games. He only made time for me when it was convenient for him. He only contact me when he wanted sex. Again, I allowed it. I thought that I was better off being an option ... than nothing at all.

Absolutely disgusting when you think about it. I was that low and that clueless ... that I deserved the world and so much more. That Sean was taking advantage of me and almost abusing me mentally, physically and emotionally.

This time last year ... I was still making midnight road trips up to him and sleeping with him. I was still holding on to the ideal that we were meant to be and would ultimately work out together. That he actually cared about me and wanted to be with me.

It wasn't until this past September ... when I went to see Sean graduate from boot camp at Parris Island ... and when we returned, and I realized Sean put EVERYONE before me (thus clearly taking me for granted) that I made a decision to let go. To finally let go ... to see things for what they were ... to confess I no longer loved him .... to confess that I loved myself more. To make a commitment with myself to change and to love myself.

Oh gosh ... the first two or three weeks were soo tough. I cried myself to sleep every night. I was depressed and scared for my life. But the neat thing about prayer and time and God ... is one morning I woke up, and the pain was gone. I could see clearly - I know that I had made the right choice and that I was finally free. It took the Parris Island trip to open up my eyes to what I deserve and to give me the closure I needed all along to finally walk away.

5 years ago today, I started a journey that I just knew I would be on for the rest of my life with Sean. But Today is a NEW day, and I am here to say proudly - I know I deserve better and I am 100% over Sean. I still cry sometimes ... I miss who I thought he was and what I thought we had. But I know in my heart, that I am in a better place than I EVER have been. And that one day soon ... I will meet someone who challenges me to be better and who treats me the way I deserve to be treated.

It's amazing what can happen in five years ... and how much time changes things.

"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"

Crisis ... Averted :o)

Have you ever realized that facebook is quite possibly one of the BEST and WORSE inventions EVER created? It can make you feel so connected to people and so left out at the same time. My mother called it a bragging platform the other day ... I think of it as a great way to mistake the grass as greener on the other side.

In a perfect world ... I would be the center of attention ... ALWAYS. Everyone would LOVE me and I would get along with everyone. I would always keep friends and never loose them ... I would be the life of the party ... the person everyone wants to talk to or be friends with. A girl can dream huh? Ha! I think about what I just wrote and realize how DUMB that sounds. That is because it is dumb.

I am really working this month on accepting myself for who I am ... flaws and all. Pastor Dale's sermons are touching upon that ... but it is really something I want to embrace. I ... my whole life ... have been one to covet what others have at times ... or what they're doing. WHY!? I think it is an insecurity of mine. I have an overwhelming need to be liked and needed by others. I do a terrible job of doing that for others ... but you know how Leo's roll ... it's all about me. I want to diligently work at changing this over time.

I will not find happiness within ... if I am constantly feeling bad or down about myself because of what other people are doing AND what they may/may not think about myself. I need to love me for me ... and celebrate my positive qualities. I need to work on living in the moment and appreciating life as it comes. I need to really try to work on looking at the glass half full - recognizing the good in my life and letting go of all the rest.

I am speaking it into existence ... OCTOBER will be one of the best months of my life. I want this to be a turning point ... no crossroads ... but a point at which I make every effort to be the best me and love myself inside and out. I am truly blessed and fortunate in so many areas of my life. I need not forget this.

A part of me is wondering if perhaps I should shutdown my facebook and twitter ... try to go a month without it, and really explore myself. HA! I am not there yet ... LOL. Chriss - don't get too far ahead of yourself. But Whew! Crisis averted ... I saw one of my former coworkers (who I am no longer friends with) write on the wall of a former coworker I am friends with ... and I instantaneously became jealous when I realized what had gone on tonight -- some WMES staff had gone out to dinner. And I was not invited. Oh well - everything happens for a reason. averted

Your Struggle in Life

It has been a tough day or two. Not as bad as this time two weeks ago ... but I am going through a rough patch. I am thankful that I see this patch for what it is though. All of a sudden, I feel guilty for feeling how I feel about Sean and I am trying to make excuses for why I miss him and want to be with him. I am continuously thinking about "him" and it does not help when I hear old songs that remind me of him. I had a moment today where I stopped, looked myself in the mirror, and said, "You have got to get yourself together. You deserve better ... you are better ... than this. Do not settle for less. Know your worth ... do not go back down that road."

And it was at that moment, that I was able to call out - you want to crawl back into this pattern that you *know*. The pattern that you're familiar with ... because it's easy. This pattern of running back to him ... having him break my heart and smash it to pieces. This pattern of being the victim ... of sleepless nights, and teary eyes, and despair. I have done this for two ... hell, maybe four in a half LONG years. It is what I know. It is what I *thought* I deserved. It is what I have tolerated. And I am now ready to break free ... but if I were to be perfectly honest, I am scared shitless.

That's the thing about change ... it takes you out of your comfort zone. I feel it ... I see it ... change on the horizon. But I am absolutely, positively scared shitless. So what do I want to do? I want to run back to the one person I know ... the one person who makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Makes sense right? I know ... it's stupid! But it's a cycle I have not broken ... and right now I am on the edge of a breakthrough, and I do not know what to do. I am not frustrated ... but I am terrified.

My biggest fears? That I am not worthy of being loved. That I will never find anyone else who will love me like Sean ... hell, that will love me. That I will never find anyone that I will fall in love with. That I will NEVER get over Sean. That I will NEVER move from this dark, lonely place. That I will end up old and alone.....

I am scared! I am sad. I am angry. I am alone. I am desperate to move past this place.

I ask myself why I allowed Sean to break me so much. God ... if I could go back to my sophomore year of college, and change the chain of events that led me to this place. I ask myself why I care about him so much ... and why I seem to keep hope alive, when everyone else sees that the fire is gone. I ask myself why I cry for him ... why I cry for us? He is not doing it for me. Obviously.

A friend last night said to me, "Your struggle in life has been Sean." God ... do you know how bad that sounds? I have experienced success and happiness with just about everything I've done ... and I have been hurt and moved on with just about everyone else who has ever broke ties with me in my life. But  .... then there is Sean. The one struggle I cannot seem to overcome.

I have come so far ... since my junior year of college, when I nearly took my life - because I was so depressed over this boy. When I was so depressed I became a mere 120 pounds ... anorexic almost. I am not that girl anymore. Yet, I still cannot seem to permanently shake him from my mind and my heart.

The Battle Within

I think I am battling depression again; or I am definitely at a crossroads in my life. A season of change and growth is definitely upon me. I am not sad but I am not as happy as I think I should be. I feel extremely insecure and vulnerable ... and nowadays, I am beginning to wonder if I am lost. I do not know who to turn to. I want to cry out for help ... but I am not sure who would answer. I battle with who my real friends are ... and whether or not they even want to help me through this. I feel so pitiful ... so pathetic. I am embarrassed about my tears and fears. Perhaps, this is why I am afraid to cry out. I do not want to be judged ... I am already judging myself enough as it is. I do not know what I am going to do ... or how I will get through this. But I am scared ... Lord, I am so scared of this place. I do not want to find myself here, this time next year. This place I find myself in is lonely and dark. The sun has to shine again .... right? I need help. And I hope someone sees through my fake smiles and happy charades ... that I am hurting and crying out for help. I have got to get out of this place....

Let Us Never Forget: 9/11

I was an 8th Grader at MLK Middle School in 2nd pd Algebra. I was a 12yr old who was looking forward to getting out of school early b/c of something occurring in NYC. I didnt know much about the world trade centers, let alone why a plane would strike it. But only when I saw the 2nd plane strike and the South tower crumble... did I begin to realize that this was not a time to celebrate an early dismissal. Today as we once again pore over these grave pictures, I ask: What is your snapshot of 9/11? Let us NEVER forget. Thinking of all of those who are no longer with us ... all those innocent souls whose lives were took on that fateful day. 

A Letter from God

To My precious child:

Because I knew even before I created the earth that you would accept My love for you, and that you would seek to know Me thus…

In the beginning I created the heavens and the earth. Then at the right time and in the right place I created you. I created your inner most being, I created every part of you, I knit you together in your mother's womb. You were carefully and wonderfully made; my works are wonderful, and you My precious child are my work. My eyes saw your unformed body. All the days planned for you were written in my book before one of them came to be. How precious are my thoughts for you, How great is the number of them! If you were to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

Listen to me, My precious child; I created you and have cared for you since before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime, until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you. I will carry you in my arms, holding you close to my heart. For I know the plans that I have for you plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My precious child there are some times of suffering in your life. But the temporary suffering of this life does not compare to the glory that shall be revealed in you. Know this that I am with you and I will help you. Your help comes from me, I am the God who created the heavens and the earth, and the one who created you. I will never leave you, I will never reject you. When your parents fail you I will pick you up, hold you close, and adopt you. Nothing can ever separate you from my love for you. When you are in trouble and distress my love is with you. When you are persecuted my love is with you. When you are hungry and cold and naked my love is with you, I am always with you. When you are in danger and threatened with death my love is with you, I will be with you forever.

My precious child know that nothing can separate you from my love, no matter how high you go, no matter how deep you sink, nothing in life and not even death can separate you from Me, and My love for you. No demon or any other power in hell can separate you from my love. My love for you is revealed through Christ Jesus your Lord. In all things and every situation you will have victory, you will conquer, because the victory of Christ Jesus is your victory.

But now, My precious child, I the LORD, who created you and formed you, says: Do not be afraid, for I have purchased you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, they will not over flow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned. I command you to be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid; do not be dismayed, for I, the LORD your God will be with you everywhere you go.

My precious child, know that everything will work together for your good, because you love me. You have been called according to my purpose. For I knew you before you were born and I predestined you to be conformed to the likeness of my Son, Jesus Christ. This is your destiny, and this is your purpose, that you become one with my Son Jesus, and thus one with me. I created you in my image so that you and I can express love to each other. The most intimate relationship you can have is with me because you and I are becoming one. You and your brothers and sisters that believe in me are becoming one with Jesus, and thus one with me. You in me, and me in you, together, unified by my love for you. You were designed for this purpose, nothing else will ever satisfy your deepest needs, your deepest desires, only I can. Because you seek to know me I satisfy your heart with love, joy, and peace that only I can give you.

My precious child if you should forget me, and enter into sin, and not turn back to Me on your own then I will punish you. Because your sin will separate you from feeling My presence, and My influence, and I want you to return to your first love, the One who loves you. I the Lord discipline those I love, and I punish everyone who I accept as my child. Just as a good Father disciplines His children to turn them away from a dangerous path, so I shall discipline you for your good, that you may share in My holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

My precious child, When you confess your sins, I am faithful and just and will forgive you of your sins and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. In repentance and resting in Me is your salvation, in quietness and trusting Me is your strength. I will create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit within you. I will not send you away from My presence, and I will not take My Holy Spirit from you. I will restore again the joy of your salvation, and make you willing to obey Me. Then you will teach My ways to sinners, and they will return to Me also. Humble yourself, therefore, under My mighty hand, that I may lift you up at the right time.

My precious child do not forget all my benefits, I forgive all your sins and heal all your diseases, I rescue your life from the pit of destruction and crown you with love and compassion. I satisfy your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles. I The LORD work righteousness and justice for all the oppressed; I The LORD am compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. I will not always accuse, nor will I harbor my anger forever; I do not treat you as your sins deserve or repay you according to your iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is My love for you because you fear Me; as far as the east is from the west, so far have I removed your transgressions from you.

My precious child, call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know. Always pray to Me about your every concern, pray from your mouth and pray from your heart, I hear every thought that you think. Everything that you care about, I care about also because it concerns you. Cast all your cares and anxiety on Me because I love you. Trust in Me, the LORD YOUR GOD, with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding; In everything acknowledge Me, And I will direct your paths. Do not worry about anything, but in everything big or small, by prayer, with thanksgiving, present your requests to Me, the Most High God. And I will give you My peace in your heart, peace that is beyond all human understanding, and it will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. Always be joyful. Keep on praying always. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is My will for you because you belong to Me.

My precious child, Study My Book of law and truth, the Holy Bible, do not let My words depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. My words are Spirit and they are Life. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you will, and it will be given you. For the word of God is living and powerful. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. The most important thing you will ever own is your Bible because it gives you knowledge of Me, The Most High God. It makes the poor rich, it gives hope to the hopeless, faith to the fearful, food to the hungry, water to the thirsty, love to the despised, comfort to the lonely, freedom to the prisoner, health to the sick, light in the darkness, and life to the dying.

My precious child I have set up circumstances and situations in your life to cause you to seek Me and find Me. I desire that you know Me. I am The Lord your God, full of compassion, and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, Let not the mighty man glory in his might, Nor let the rich man glory in his riches; But My precious child glory in this, That you understand and know Me, That I am the LORD, exercising compassion, lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth. For in these I delight and take pleasure.

All things are created for My pleasure and My pleasure is to show forth loving compassion. I have compassion on the poor and needy, and I am a Father to the fatherless, I help them, and I defend them. Far below Me are the heavens and the earth, I stoop to look down, and I lift the poor from the dirt and the needy from the garbage dump and I set them among princes. My precious child I want you to do these things also, have compassion on the poor and needy and help them, this is what it means to know Me. For I am Love, and when you live in love, you live in Me, and I live in you. Loving compassion is good, and this is what I require from you, to do what is right, to love compassion, and to walk humbly with your God.

As a father has compassion on his children, so I your LORD have compassion on you because you fear Me; for I know how you were formed, I remember that you are dust. Forever and ever My love is with you because you fear Me, and My righteousness with your children's children; with those who keep My covenant and remember to obey My laws. My law is to love. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments all of My laws are based. When you walk in love you are obeying all My laws. When you walk in Love you are walking in My Holy Spirit for I AM LOVE!

My precious child come and live in My shelter, in the protection of the Most High God, you will find rest in the presence of the Almighty. You will say, "This I declare of the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him." My precious child I will rescue you from every trap and protect you from the fatal plague. I will shield you with My wings. I will shelter you with My feathers. My faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. But you will see it with your eyes; you will see how the wicked are punished.

Because you My precious child make the LORD your refuge, because you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling. For I order My angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone. You will trample down lions and poisonous snakes; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

My precious child, My servant, and My friend, whom I have chosen, I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will hold you up with my righteous right hand. All who come against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, for I myself will help you declares the LORD, your Redeemer. You will rejoice in the LORD and glory in the Holy One of Israel.

My precious child, when you asked Me to forgive your sins and come into your heart I sent My Holy Spirit into you to comfort you, to give you power, and as proof to you that I have adopted you as My child. The Holy Spirit shall lead you into all truth because He shall testify of Jesus, and He will give you power to testify of Jesus. I will speak to you through My Holy Spirit that is in you, He will tell you what is right and wrong, what is love and hate. My Holy Spirit is a gentle whisper inside your heart telling you the path to walk in. If you walk in My Spirit you will walk in love, you will not sin. And you will see great and mighty things happen before you, they will not be accomplished by strength, nor by outside force, but by My Spirit says the LORD ALMIGHTY. Through My Holy Spirit I shall give you supernatural gifts that you may be blessed, and that you shall bless others through demonstrating My love for them. My Holy Spirit will be with you through out your whole life, and after I will receive you into My glory.

I your LORD say to you I will rescue you because you love me. I will protect you because you trust in my name. When you call on me, I will answer; I will be with you in trouble. I will rescue you and honor you. I will satisfy you with a long life and give you my salvation. Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me. It is your destiny.

two months and some change later...

As another year comes and goes, I find myself sitting in the middle of train tracks that can take me each and every direction I could possibly imagine. The only problem is, I am not confident about the train track I should head down on.

It has been two years since Sean and I have officially broken up. It has most likely been three or so years since we were involved in a serious relationship. We have both grown up, grown apart and developed new chapters to our life stories.

I can confidently look back over my four or five years with him, and see how I fell in love, lost myself completely and then found myself all over again. It is truly amazing to be able to be a witness to my own personal struggles, triumphs and progress.

I have teetered tottered on whether or not I should wait around for Sean or move on with my life. I have spent countless nights contemplating what I feel for him and where we stand with one another. I think his being away at boot camp has been the BEST thing to EVER happen to me. It has given me a chance to do so many things and process so many thoughts and feelings.

I recognize that I Sean is my safety zone. My comfort. My familiarity. I could not tell you if I was or was not in love with him anymore. I cannot honestly say that I want to marry him or spend my life with him. I have not the slightest clue if he is in love with me or even wants to begin a life by my side. But the real truth is, I do not feel like asking these questions anymore.

What I do know is I care about Sean and want the best for him. He will always have a place in my heart as my first love … the one who took my breath away for the very first time. No one can ever replace him or the memories we created and shared together.

But today is a new day. I am going to choose a road to go down … I hope that from this point forward, my life is not going to be the same.

Reflection: 

Two months ago, I posted the blog entry above. Funny thing is a couple days later, I received a letter in the mail from Sean at boot camp. I felt guilty about what I wrote and I immediately returned to the document and did some editing. For the next two months, I faithfully wrote to Sean at camp and entertained the fantasy that we were going to make it after all ... and that perhaps, I was still madly in love.

I went to his boot camp graduation in Parris Island ... and we have both been back home for a total of nine days now. At some point during the last week and a half, I came to the conclusion that for the LAST time I am done with Sean. The season of fall is upon us, and I want to be in love again. I want to go on a date. I want to be held. I want someone to be proud to post a photo of me on facebook next to their side. I want someone to want to see me during daytime hours ... NOT at 2:00am at night. I want to have a conversation with someone ... a deep and meaningful conversation. A silly and light hearted conversation. I want to conversate! To communicate! I want for someone to take an active and genuine interest in me and what I am doing. I want to take an interest in someone else's life.

My relationship with Sean is so one sided ... I am the ONLY one who is fighting for this idea of "us." Sean has made it quite clear that I am just an option to him ... that he does not respect nor value me. And at this point, I am okay with that. We cannot change people ... people will be people. I only wish he would be forthright with me or stop playing these foolish games. I have NEVER been happier that he is going away! I think I was the most stable in terms of romance/love during the three months that Sean was gone. But more importantly, I just want to love myself enough to let go. I want for God to move in my life and show me happiness that I have never dreamt of. 

If there is one thing I have realized, it is that God moves in mysterious ways and everything happens for a reason. I have come a long way over the past two years ... and this  recent trip to Parris Island helped bring me a step closer towards the closure I need. The other day I was so down and out ... so consumed with my grief and misery ... and then it was made clear to me, that I am blessed! I have A LOT of good occurring in my life right now that I should be ashamed for sulking over Sean or my misfortune with him. And it also became clear to me ... as I talked with a treasured friend ... that back in April, I was overcome with grief about my new job. I wanted to linger at WMES ... but I stepped out on faith and God led me to RMES. Within six months, I have been blessed tremendously and I am happier than I have been in the teaching field.

THAT ALONE tells me that I can do this! I can be free of Sean and the chains I have allowed him to place on me. It tells me that I CAN love again! I WILL love again! I am so excited right now ... for the plans God has for me. I just pray that I know when the moment is right to step out on faith, and break free from the shackles.

Thank You Lord for all you have done and will continue to do in my life! I serve an AWESOME God.

Self Reflection

I have been deep in thought lately, about what it is that I admire about myself and what it is that I need to work on. I think it would be beneficial to write down what is worth changing or improving ... so that I can use it to reflect and become a better person.

1. I need to stop talking about other people. If I am celebrating another's accomplishments or good doing, I need NOT talk about them.
2. I need anger management help. Sometimes I get so angry (about stupid stuff) and I allow it to get me into a uncontrollable funk. It is then that I am at my worst, and I will say or do things that are ruthless and spiteful just to make me temporarily feel better.
3. I need to not be boastful. There is NO need to talk about my accomplishments and blessings obnoxiously, especially if it has no benefit to anyone else.
4. I need to determine who is a person of value in my life, and who is worth letting go. I cannot be friends with EVERYONE ... so now is the time to determine who is really worth my time and energy, and who is not.
5. I need to make a better effort to reach out to those I care about and reconnect.
6. I need to stop being so selfish and only caring about myself.
7. I need to limit my social media usage.

Things I would like to continue ... because I do think it makes me a better peson:

1. I should continue to pray. Everyday. Ask God for strength, guidance and forgiveness.
2. I should perform random acts of kindness ... a good deed or kind words can go a long way.
3. I should aim to let my actions speak louder than my words.
4. I should try to listen more than I speak.
5. I think it is good that I do not hold my tounge ... I should continue to stand up for myself and not let anyone walk all over me.
6. I need to try to be a better person ... to have a kind heart and even kinder actions. 

Jumping the Broom

Music I would consider walking down the isle to:

• Pachelbel Cannon in D 
• Bach, Air on the G string
• The Butterfly Waltz
• Kenny G Forever in Love
• Ave Maria

moving day...

I move out this weekend! I cannot believe it ... but it is finally happening :o)

let go and let god

I am so lost and confused lord .... help me! I will never forget the challenges I have faced this summer ... nor the struggles I have endured. This is new to me. This is new for me. It has been a long long time since I have last wrestled with struggles likes these. I hate the fact that I am changing ... friendships are changing ... people are changing. I miss who we were but I cannot help but wonder who will we become? Lord, help me be strong. Help me be independent. Help me be faithful. Help me trust in you ... to lead my steps down the right path. Help me to stop trying to be in control .... there is the ticket! I am trying to be in control ... and I need to let go of the steering wheel. Lord I call out to you .... HELP ME! I need your help oh lord ... for I am lost and I do not know what to do. And I am tired of feeling this way ... this emptiness ... this void ... this confusion ... this hurt ... Lord help me LET GO AND LET GOD.

"The Instabilities and struggles in our friendships/relation​ships are either signs that it's time to let them go, or tests that make us remember why we held on for so long in the first place. "

Crossroads...

“You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.”

HELP! I am sitting in the middle of a crossroads ... and I do not know which road to travel down. Everything in my life is going according to plan // I am content with it ... minus many of my relationships with friends. Why am I having this struggle with friendships ... with determining who is real and who is fake? With who I should hold on to and who should I let go of? Who am I? What do I stand for? Have I changed ... to the point that I am lost and that I have forgotten who I am and/or where I have come from? 

I have many decisions to make ... I hope I have what it takes to make them and to never look back.

Happy Fourth: Change of Heart?

I wrote him a letter at bootcamp on Friday night. Saturday morning, I got a text from his parents saying that they had received a letter from Sean (at bootcamp) and it was addressed to me. He did not have my address but was hoping his parents could get the letter to me. I wrote him another letter back and sent pictures. Again, I do not know what the future holds but I am not going to question it too much. I am going to live in the moment and enjoy all the blessings I have in my life. And I will pray that with time, God reveals what his plan is for my life.

Happy Fourth of July. My weekend was truly blessed with the company of my loving family. I pray all of my readers weekends were blessed as well.

Goodnight.

life is not going to be the same

As another year comes and goes, I find myself sitting in the middle of train tracks that can take me each and every direction I could possibly imagine. The only problem is, I am not confident about the train track I should head down on.

It has been two years since Sean and I have officially broken up. It has most likely been three or so years since we were involved in a serious relationship. We have both grown up, grown apart and developed new chapters to our life stories.

I can confidently look back over my four or five years with him, and see how I fell in love, lost myself completely and then found myself all over again. It is truly amazing to be able to be a witness to my own personal struggles, triumphs and progress.

I have teetered tottered on whether or not I should wait around for Sean or move on with my life. I have spent countless nights contemplating what I feel for him and where we stand with one another. I think his being away at boot camp has been the BEST thing to EVER happen to me. It has given me a chance to do so many things and process so many thoughts and feelings.

I recognize that I Sean is my safety zone. My comfort. My familiarity. I could not tell you if I was or was not in love with him anymore. I cannot honestly say that I want to marry him or spend my life with him. I have not the slightest clue if he is in love with me or even wants to begin a life by my side. But the real truth is, I do not feel like asking these questions anymore.

What I do know is I care about Sean and want the best for him. He will always have a place in my heart as my first love … the one who took my breath away for the very first time. No one can ever replace him or the memories we created and shared together.

But today is a new day. I am going to choose a road to go down … I hope that from this point forward, my life is not going to be the same.

how i am feeling right now...

"I’ve had to say ‘good-bye’ more times than I would have liked, but everyone can say that. And no matter how many times we do it, even when it’s for the greater good, it still stings. And though we’ll never forget what we’ve given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can’t do is live our lives always afraid of the next ‘good-bye,’ because chances are they’re not going to stop. The trick is to recognize when a ‘good-bye’ can be a good thing; when it’s a chance to start again." -Ugly Betty

-- goodbye to all the negative people in my life. all the fakes and liars. all the girls who do not have my best interest in mind. to all the people i have lost touch with, because they entered my life for a reason or a season. goodbye. it is time to start again.

The WM Girls ... as Bahama Mamas

our first night in the Bahamas

bahama mama's in coconuts :o)

on the booze cruise

C, R and I

R and I's last night in Freeport, Bahamas

Pirates of the Caribbean

We had the pleasure of seeing the ship used in the movie series Pirates of the Caribbean. We got to stand where Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp have stood ... as they filmed their fantastic pirate adverntures :)

The Curse of the Black Pearl  or the Flying Dutchman? 

Oprah Winfry's a Bahama Mama!?

Oprah Winfry is building a house in Freeport ... a vacation paradise to be exact. The house is no where near being completed, however we had the pleasure of seeing it as we traveled the waterways of the Bahamas!

Touristy Sights in Freeport :o)

The best part of being on vacation in the Bahamas was being a tourist! I thouroughly enjoyed sight seeing while sitting on a boat with a drink in my hand! I also enjoyed swimming with doplhins, snorkeling in the coral reefs, riding a banana boat, driving a boat, and seeing a limbo show while on a booze cruise. The activities and sights in the Bahamas definitely made the trip memorable ... and I truly wish I could have seen and done more during my stay in the Bahamas.

R and I on a Banana Boat 

The Hotel next to our Condo

Enjoying the Waves on the Boat

dolphins that were used for dolphin shows

snorkeling in the reefs!

largest starfish ever!