when your progress does not feel like very much

You came into this season

not knowing what tomorrow would bring,

but you made the brave decision

to keep trusting, and to keep going.

And even on days like this, that means everything.

And on those days

when your progress does not feel like very much,

and you find yourself wondering

if you will ever be enough,

remember that a few hundred nights ago,

you were not sure you’d make it here.

But here you are, living and breathing

on the other side of those old fears.

And new fears may arise,

and you may feel the weight of your unknowns,

but no matter how heavy all of it feels,

you are free to let them go.

You are free to step into tomorrow,

with wide-eyed hope and expectation

that no matter what does

or does not happen,

you are going to grow

in the way you were meant to.

So keep your eyes fixed on Light,

ever-coming in the morning,

reminding you it is okay,

to awake and start anew again.

Take heart, breathe deep,

keep a mindful, steady pace.

You may not have reached those further mountains,

but you are still well on your way.

And whether you fly or whether you fail,

or you feel at home or out of place,

you are still traveling for a reason,

and you have not fallen out of grace.

So let it be grace that gives you hope

in the middle of the day,

glorious unmerited favor

that reminds you it is okay...

it is okay to slow down

and take moment just to breathe,

and be reminded that in the chaos,

you can still find the peace you need:

peace within your soul to know

there is no comparison for the journey you are on.

You are where you need to be,

and no one can replace you.

Remember how far you have come.

Remember the miles that you have traveled.

Even if you are not where you thought you would be,

you have already it through so many things,

and even in seasons like this,

that is still worth acknowledging and celebrating

By: MHN

365 days

365 days ago, I sat in my car in a parking lot off Route One, a hysterical mess. I was defeated. I felt rejected. One single ten-minute phone conversation changed the course of my life.

Lost and heartbroken, I spiraled in depression and despair for the next couple of months. I spent way too much money on a psychic (who promised to reconnect my "twin flame" and I), drank way too much alcohol and wandered way too many streets aimlessly in the middle of the night. At that dark time in my life, I was unsure on how I would ever be able to create a new normal for myself and/or put the broken pieces of my life back together again.

But it’s been 365 days! Not all of these days have been full of joy and contentment or free from tears and pain. I have struggled far more than I would like to admit behind the scenes. But today, I can proudly proclaim that throughout the course of the past year, I have found peace on my new journey.

I purchased my first home and had a darling puppy choose me to be his fur momma. I ran every damn mile of my first half marathon and developed friendships with people I would have never imagined going on adventures in life with. I celebrated my 30th birthday amidst the milestones of old and new friends (baby showers, bridal showers, birthdays and new homes).

What's my point? As Bob Goff says, "Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won’t have a title until much later."

We all go through storms from time to time, and some shake us to our very core. But in the midst of the storm, there is something beautiful taking place in your life (even if you cannot see it). Have faith. Hold on. Do not give up. The best is yet to come and that storm your weathering ... it's making you a DAMN sailor! A brave and fearless one at that

Years That Ask ... Years That Answer

There are years that ask questions, and years that answer.

At the end of last year, I asked God why things fell apart with Michael Terwilliger. Why we had to go our separate ways. Whether or not our paths would ever cross again. I was angry and hurt at how the final days of our relationship played out. I wass mad about the words left unspoken and the unanswered questions that lingered in the air.

Today, I think my questions were finally answered. 

It all makes sense now. 

I have no doubt our paths crossed on purpose. During our time together, I matured from a young girl into a woman. Mike taught me how to chill out and not take life (or myself) too seriously. He taught me how to yearn for adventure, and then how to take life for the boot straps and find adventure. 

Michael taught me how to save and manage money. How to invest and to plan for the future. He taught me how to be different. How to march to the beat of my own drum, and be okay with it. Mike was the reason why I got over the heartbreak of my first love - Sean McKenzie. And Mike ultimately taught me what it was that I needed in a partner for life and how to love myself. 

In the bottom of my heart, I know that our paths will never cross again. We had to go our separate ways and this is why our relationship played out with such vengence in the end. 

I would not be sitting on my patio in Caledonia Court with a dog (16 pounds lighter I must add) if it was not for him and the role he played in my life. This was Mike's purpose in my life. His purpose was fulfilled.

The only question that still remains is whether or not he ever loved me. I also know in my heart that I will never get the answer to that question. And I have to let that be okay. If I had all the answers, I would be God.

I am so grateful for the role Mike played in my life. God knew what he was doing when he choose this path for me, and allowed Mike to walk down it with me for a little while. I needed that companion on that one stretch of path to arrive at one of the blessings he had in store for me. 

I will cherish my memories with Mike always.

I have nothing but gratitude for 2018. This year has been a milestone year in every aspect. 

I will never forget the lessons I've learned, the harships I've faced or the great triumphs I have achieved during this last year of my 20's.

Go Big or Go Home is what I always preach. One thing is for sure - I've certainly gone BIG this year ... and maybe that has something (or everything) to do with how BIG my GOD is.

the only person i should have ever been talking to

It's 12:14AM and my eyes are tearing up a little.

For whatever reason I just spent thirty minutes going through your photos. 

It's amazing how someone's past can become so intertwinned with yours. How days pass by and so much changes. But revisiting one picture can take you back to that time and place in an instant. How a song on spotify can transport you back to years ago when this person was a part of your life. 

The greatest blessing I was even given was an opportunity to walk away from you. The greatest gift you gave me was letting me go and closing the door behind you. I can never repay you for that gift. It has afforded me the life that I deserved. The life that I wanted. The life that I needed.

But yet I still tear up. 

I miss our friendship. Well ... what I presumed to be friendship. I am still so confused about that entire experience. That entire relationship. I pray to God that I never entertain anything like that ever again.

I am over us. The past. The fact that this relationship died with the end of the fall season and/or 2017. But I hope you are doing well. Keep living life to the fullest and pursuing your dreams. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You deserve to be in the company of people who understand you and bring out the light in your eyes. And what I just now realized is that that message is really intended for me. That is the only person who I should have ever been talking to. 

love and light always

I received word that you are moving home. I knew this decision would come. You had been vocal about wanting to move home for quite some time to be closer to your aging parents. But to hear that it is actually taking place is bitter sweet.

In many ways I am happy for you and I know that you need this change. In other ways I remorse because this move is confirmation that our season together is no more.

I dream about you often Michael. What we would say if we crossed paths again. And I wonder ... will we cross paths once more before you embark on the journey home. 

I miss you. 

I am not sure that we will interact again. And if we do - I am not sure how I will behave. But I am sending you love and light always.

Dear Michael...

Dear Michael,

It has been a little less than four months since we went our separate ways. It is funny how it feels like forever. With this passing of time, a void has developed in my life that I have been unable to fill.

I write because I miss you. On some days, I miss you so much that my heart literally aches from the inside out. Let me be clear - I do not miss you in a boyfriend kind of way. I realize, only now, that you really sucked in that department.

But I do miss you as a friend. You were my BEST friend. The one person I always counted on to tell me the truth. To give me sound advice when I needed it the most. To listen to my pointless stories and dramas, only to be the voice of reason. To make me giggle uncontrollably with your uncanny sense of humor. To expose me to some new line of thinking that I had not previously considered or been made privy of.

I understand - I think - why you had to go. Why you let me walk away without so much of a word or an explanation. Why when I took a stand, you literally went ghost - never to be heard from again.

I guess when I say I understand, I mean … I realize now that the road we had traveled together eventually diverged. It was written in the stars. It was inevitable.

But I still mourn your loss. Every. Single. Day. I wish I could forget you and what you meant to me. But then to do that would be to deny a part of myself that came alive. To deny a part of who I am presently today.

It is never easy to lose a friend. Especially when it is someone you adore. Idolize. Respect. Admire. Love. I forgive you for the hurt you caused me (particularly in the end when you let me go without a fight or so much as an explanation). I want nothing but the very best for you. You will always be a very special person to me. And I will carry your memory in my heart always.

I do not think I am ready now to cross paths with you again. My wounds are still too raw. But a part of me truly hopes that in the future, perhaps our paths will cross again. And that I will be able to look you in the eye and smile … and mean it.

I SO hope that you are doing awesome. That you are happy and surrounded by people that love you and make you feel alive. I hope that Sadie continues to be the BEST company around, and that you feel content with where you are at in life. And I hope at some point in time you fall in love with yourself … and all that you have to offer someone … anyone … this earth. Because you my friend are pretty incredible, I just do not think you ever realized it.

And this is totally selfish of me, but sometimes I wish upon a shooting star that maybe every once in a while... you think of me too. That maybe somewhere in that closed off heart of yours,  you will hold my memory dear too. That you look back on our memories together fondly … and that ... you ... too … are wishing that I am doing alright wherever I am too.

3 Months.

It has been three months. In some ways, three months have gone by SO fast. In other ways, these have been the longest three months of my life. 

This morning as I drove to work, I cried out to God declaring that I had forgiven Michael. That I was forgiving him for the hurt he caused me, for the pain. For not being able to love me the way I wanted ... and needed to be loved. For not fighting for me when I walked away. For not always treating me the way I deserved with his words or actions. 

This came shortly after reading an "On This Day" facebook post from today, one year ago:

Thanks Living on a Wednesday:

This being thankful stuff is wonderful. Even on days that aren't so bright ... it really makes you stop and think about all of the good things going on in your life. It also makes me feel happier. More content.

Slept in until 9AM today with my guy. Spring weather awaited outside. We went to lunch together - at the Golden Corral. Delicious. Walked over to the Mall ... and browsed through some stores.

He took me home to get my car. His Vday gift was waiting on the porch ... and I could not help but give it to him early. I was SO excited about it. He loved it. Mission accomplished.

He made me the most delicious ribeye steak for dinner with mac N cheese, green beans and apple sauce. IPA on the side and ice cream with all the fixings for dessert.

It's been a good day with him by my side. I enjoy his company. His sweet, sincere personality. His sense of humor. His beautiful eyes. His laugh and smile. I hope I never take him for granted ... he is a treasure and some days I am not so sure that I am worthy of him.

Thank you lord for blessing my life with him. I really cannot imagine my world without him in it.

Back to school tomorrow. Here goes nothing!

This post that I had carefully crafted a year ago, reminded me that what I experienced with Mike was in fact real. I have beaten myself up lately wondering if my time with him was real or make believe. If it was a figment of my imagination that he was loving and kind ... or if he had in fact been those things at one point in time. This post confirmed my doubt and confusion. At one time, what we had was real. 

I realized on my car ride to work though, that I have to forgive him. I need to let go. My fervent prayer and tears were a release this AM. I literally felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. I am not too foolish to proclaim that this will be the last time I am sad, or that I cry over this man. But I do believe that God heard my prayer. That he and I both recognize that I have forgiven Mike. 

I also asked God to speak to me. Funny what you pray for ... I stumbled across this elephant journal entry this evening ...

Your contract was complete. A wise healer once explained to me that every interaction we have with others—friends, family, lovers, our children—involves a contract made on the soul level. Our souls agree to help one another out with some aspect of our earthly existence. Some of the contracts last a lifetime, while others are only good for a short period of time.

The length of the contract depends on the experience we need the other person to help us through. And, every interaction, no matter how terrible it may seem in the material realm, helps evolve our spirits. I know, sometimes it doesn’t seem like it, but this belief requires faith. When people are no longer in our lives, it means the contract has been fulfilled. We must thank the other person in our hearts, wish them well even if we feel pain, and let them go

 What a message. What peace I feel. The contract has been fulfilled. The day we broke up, I told myself that God said job well done. I had done everything in my power to nourish that relationship. When I walked away, it was because there was nothing else I could do. I was drained and needed to part ways. But I have no doubt that I gave that relationship my all. And that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had.

The message I read this evening reminds me of this. It also makes me feel as though God has acknowledged my prayer, my cries and that season of my life. My soul contract with Mike was fulfilled. It is complete. This contract unfortunately did not last a lifetime. But gosh I am grateful that it lasted at all. 

My season of life with Mike, overall, was a good one. I grew so much as a person. Hell ... I grew up during my time with him. When I met him, I was a 25 year old girl dancing on tables wasted, and throwing up in people's cars hahaa. I changed when I met him. I left behind many of my old, foolish ways and behaviors. The next couple of days/weeks, I will ponder what lessons did I learn from this season of life? I think recongnizing and understanding those lessons will be key to continued advancement in life (and to continued healing).

Taken from another elephant journal article..

What I didn’t know was that the experiences that were deeply painful and difficult were exactly what my soul had requested before coming here so I could learn and grow.

Damn soul, always taking the bumpy route to enlightenment.
Our souls know when we come here what our life purpose is, and they plant lots and lots of people, experiences and lessons in our path to get us there. Those people and experiences are always leading us to our higher self, but there are tons of lessons we need to learn in order to reach that final destination of spiritual enlightenment. 

This is where our soul contracts with other people come into play. 

We make them before we come here and those people are incredibly important to our soul’s growth, no matter how brief our encounters with them may be. They present opportunities that push us further towards where we are meant to go. 

Without them, we may not have made it there. 

The bottom line? What he doesn’t realize is that through our brief encounter with each other, he helped advance my soul in many ways. What I saw as his “rejection” of me revealed to me how I continue to go into my story of not being enough when a man decides he doesn’t want to stay. 

I am more than enough. And his decision to not pursue anything deeper with me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and where he is at in his own journey.

Thank you Lord for the past three months. I am not sure I want to go through them again, haha. But I am grateful for the lessons learn, my character strengthened and the fact that this broken road has led me back to you. I look forward to seeing where I am in the next three months. I plan to buckle up ... no doubt it has the potential to be a bumpy ride!