I originally wrote and posted the entry below back in March. The funny thing is, however, that I cannot remember why I felt so compelled to write it.
There have been some significant changes in my life the past forty-eight hours, and I took to my blog this morning in hopes to cleanse my soul of the anguish I have been feeling. I accidentily stumbled across this entry, and realized THESE were the words I needed to say and get off my chest today.
So I present to you, a modified and edited repost of thoughts I've previously shared. Maybe these words are what you need to here today too ...
Because we all end up exactly where we need to be.
"We never realize that replacing what’s not broken won’t fix what is. We never realize that a relationship will not save us. We never realize thatwhen we arrive at the juncture of whether to try harder or move on, it almost always means it’s time to let go. And we grapple with it because we never realize what letting go means: simply that we, at no point, are actually permitting anything to leave. We’re just permitting ourselves to come to terms with the truth that it’s already gone." (Brianna Wiest)
The time has come for me to encounter another set of crossroads. And at this very moment, I am sitting in the center of them. Literally sitting ... debating which direction I should walk (if not run) in and asking rhetorical questions to which no one is giving me the response I would like to hear.
I have never been good at saying goodbye. Yet I've said goodbye more times than I would have liked. And even though I have managed to utter the words goodbye several times over the years, I continue to stumble with letting go.
So I sit at "the juncture of whether to try harder or move on." I sit here reflecting on my thoughts, my actions and my words because goodbyes do not hurt until you realize how much has changed. They do not hurt until you realize how much of the events preceding the goodbye were your fault.
I sit here with my head in my hands. Warm, salty tears streaming down my sweat stained cheeks. I thought I could run to escape the pain. But instead running lead me directly to it. So I weep, sitting in the middle of the road at this juncture. I weep for what was and for what is to be. I weep because I cannont turn to you. And even if I did, you cannot even help me utter those fateful words. You cannot help me decide which road I should now travel on.
Peering out into the horizon at each road ... I wipe away the tears with the back of my hand and exhale. I stretch out my legs and direct my eyes up towards the sky. The words "...when we arrive at the juncture of whether to try harder or move on, it almost always means it’s time to let go..." cloud my mind. And I know deep within my heart that the truth is ... you are already gone. Whoever that you is ... you are already gone.
I stand and lift up prayers to the sky. Seasons change and as time would have it, THIS season is ending. It may in fact be time to say goodbye. If life would have it ... our paths ... our roads WILL cross again. So I start to walk. Slowly but surely, I start to walk because I AM capable of doing this. More capable than I may think.
"We tie ourselves up with our anxieties when at the end of the day we always look back and realize the path was paved for us. We just had to stop questioning what we already knew to be true. We are always compelled to act when we’re meant to. The tides usually turn us on their own. We don’t always have to swim. The real art of being is learning to float." (Brianna Wiest)
The tide is turning me on it's own ... and I am just going to float and trust that things will fall into place as they should, in the end.
Because I will end up exactly where I need to be.
