New Love...

I am always quick to share that I am content being single to others. Sometimes I muse at the idea of being in love again and having a boyfriend. However ... the truth is ... I am terrified to begin a new relationship. It took me sooo long to be okay with being single, that the thought of losing my *freedom* terrifies me. I am also scared to get hurt again. I am afraid that a new guy will be like my last. I am afraid that I will resort to old habits - paranoia, jealousy, insecurity. It is so much easier to hide behind a mask of independence and being single than to even consider going down the road of taking a chance. 


I guess what I am saying is that I still have weak days because of what I have gone through in the past. I have come so incredibly far ... and I do not want to turn that progress back around. I know that when the time is right, someone will enter my life ... but will I be ready to receive them? 

LOST: The Sequel

“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”


I am in this place again. Why does this happen? Am I the only person this happens too? I am feeling so insecure ... I am feeling dissatisfied. I feel as though I have no one to talk to.


I just found out that I was NOT invited to a happy hour with former Watkins Mill Staff. OUCH - that hurts. That makes me feel blue. I found out about a beach vacation rental ... and I realized I have no friends who I'd be comfortable asking to join me for a weekend trip. Boo Hoo. 


I reflected on my situation at work - and I feel all alone. I do not trust anyone and I do not have any one to confide in. I am a constant ball of stress, worry and fear when I am in that place - and I constantly doubt my abilities. WHAAAT ISS WRONNGG WITH ME!?


The craziest thing - is - I do this all the time! I have too many plans ... too many people to see and/or make time for. Too much going on. And then when I have a lull in text messages, communication with others, plans, etc ... I freak. I feel unloved. I feel unwanted. I feel alone. I feel hated. I feel like an outcast. WHY DO I TORTURE MYSELF LIKE THIS?


I am a nut case apparently. An unhappy, ungrateful, dissatisfied one. So the question is this: How do I pull myself together and get out of this blue spell. How do I remain thankful for what I have and what God's given me. How do I trust that I have dear friends who truly care about me? How do I find peace in knowing that even though we all have terribly busy schedules, that does not change the friendship that we have?


My friend thinks it's all the stress at school and Lance leaving. She could be right. She probably is right. Oh! And maybe it's that my best friend has a boyfriend. Heck - most of my best friends have boyfriends. And one of my best friends lives in Baltimore. And another has a potential boy in the works. And it's spring time and warm outside ... and I am alone. 


Christina - get a grip get a grip GET A GRIP! Remember ... you've got a couple of friends who care about you. You mean the world to them! Think of Kat, Leish, Tash, Jen, Erica ... they check on you and would find it odd if they had not heard from you in a long while. Think of Stacy and Robyn ... your work out buddies. Think of Anne - who cherishes your spirit and soul. Think of your sister ... that's a whole heck of a lot of people who care. Be fortunate ... some people do not even have two souls who care that much.


Here's what I need to do - as I sit here and rant, ramble and stew -

1. Keep my eyes, heart and mind set on God.
2. Do the best I can ... and be the best teacher that I can be ... at work.
3. Keep in contact with those I value most - and hope that maybe they'll keep in contact back.
4. Focus on the positive in my life. 
5. Perhaps go on facebook and twitter less again? 
6. Practice the art of NOT gossiping.
7. Be honest and true to everyone - have integrity.

Okay ... so that's where I am going to start. Let's see if I can turn my attitude and outlook around :o) Glass half full glass half full ... Here's to buckling up and keeping it going. :o)

L O S T ...

“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”


I am lost in my life right now ... it's that time of month when I find myself unhappy with certain aspects of my life or when I start to envy the things the others have. HELP! I hate it when I become this girl - my insecurities get the best of me and I become needy/clingy/disgusting!


I have a lot to be thankful for. I HAVE A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR. I need to trust that God is working in my life and that everything happens for a reason. Today ... I am jealous of my roommate. I am jealous that she's been receiving phone calls from Stephanie. I am jealous that her and Stacy continue to have hour long chats after workouts about their lives. I am jealous that she has all of these friends I know nothing of. This is ludacris! Why am I envying these things?


I am bothered that I have not talked to my best friend in a week. She has a new boyfriend and has fallen off the face of the earth. I am bothered that I have not talked to Alicia .... where has she been? I am bothered that I have not talked to Jen or Erica ... HELL - why has Erica fallen off the face of the earth!? I have not really heard from her since January because she's so gosh darn hard to get ahold of.


So then I worry ... and I sit ... and I stew ... and I over think. And I question myself and my qualities. And I worry myself sick. And I worry some more. Why do I do this? WHY WHY WHY!? I repeat - I have so much to be thankful for. Why am I worrying myself sick over silliness? 


Why do I feel so sad or unhappy today? Why do I feel soo down? I need to shake this spirit. This is not very becoming of me. In fact - this makes me want to go get a gelato from Rita's. This weather makes me miss college ... when Kat, Leishy and I would go get italian ice on a warm spring evening. 


I need to get it together. This is ridiculous and not very becoming. I need to buckle up ... and just keep going. I cannot be lost forever ...

prayer for today ...

Father God, thank You for Your provision and blessing in my life. I know that You are making a way even when I don’t see a way. Help me to stand strong in You so that I may see the harvest of blessing You have prepared for me in Jesus’ name. Amen.

God is Good

This weekend has been a blessing. Three days to rest and to spend time with old friends. I have been sick with a sinus infection for most of it, but goodness I am so thankful for the blessings in my life. I am grateful for my dear friends, my loving family, and the coworkers I grew to know and love at Watkins Mill. I am grateful for this warm spring weather (in the dead of winter) and for being able to stay physically active. I am grateful for losing approximately four pounds and for delicious food. I am grateful for a God who never leaves me nor forsakes me. I am grateful for my job as a teacher. I am grateful for my students, new and old. I am grateful for meeting new people. I am grateful for good music streaming over pandora.com. I am grateful for the positive memories I have of the past five years of my life. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned for the low points in my life and for the mistakes I have made. I am super thankful for my parents and my siblings. I am grateful for living in my own condo ... it's been almost eight months now. I am thankful for being single, independent, strong, and black. I am thankful for waking up to see another day.

I am thankful and grateful for all of my wonderful blessings. <3 Thank You Lord for a Relaxing weekend that has restored my health and my spirits (even though physically, I have been suffering from a nasty sinus infection and a tooth ache.) God is Good all the Time.

What do you think Teachers do?

week from hell

"When someone can walk out of your life, learn how to let them go. They are not tied to you and you deserve better." ♥


not the best week of my life ... i feel like if it has not been one thing, it's been another. closing the chapter of the american hero for once and for all.